Have you noticed how many people are out there talking through the tubes of the internets, spewing right-wing talking points such as “torture works,” and “Obama’s a socialist,” and yet when you make a comment about the Republican party, they quickly assert that they are “Independent,” and “disgusted by both parties”?
It’s officially a trend, according to Pew Research. In 2004, one in three people identified themselves as Republican. Now it’s less than one in four.
That’s not to say that conservatives are getting less conservative. They’re just too fucking chickenshit to stand up for the party that embodies their beliefs.
Yeah, for all their guns and hellfire and damnation, they sure are a bunch of pussy-ass motherfuckers.
I mean, seriously, can you believe that shit? I have always been proud to be a Democrat, because even in our dark days, it’s the ideals of our party that make us super badass. We cannot be truly represented by any one politician, no matter how cool he is, and we cannot be brought down by just one, either. The Democratic party is like that loud ethnic family on your block: they’re always screaming at each other, and they can be verbose and sentimental and bull-headed, but they look out for one another. At first they seem kind of embarrassing, but in the end, they stick up for people, even if they don’t see eye to eye with them. Not like that scary repressed WASP-y family across the street. No one wants to be them, no matter how much money they have. Sure, it’s nice that all their bullying makes them successful at protecting their money and buying expensive things, but hey, what good are expensive things when no one wants to sit next to you at the block party because you’re so damn mean?
Still, I think that admitting you have a problem is the first step toward healing. And so, as a service to Republicans, I am giving them a handy guide for self-diagnosis. Here’s hoping they put it to good use, and get some help before it’s too late.
You Might Be a Republican If…
If you think that the TV show “24” is proof that torture works…you might be a Republican.
If Dick Cheney’s word is good enough for you…you might be a Republican.
If you listed “the specter of gay marriage” on your divorce papers as the reason why your own heterosexual marriage didn’t pan out…you might be a Republican.
If you don’t understand that Colbert is making fun of you…you might be a Republican.
If you uttered nary a peep for six years about the 3 trillion we’re spending in Iraq, but go apoplectic and don a hat made of teabags at the mention of 800 billion for projects to benefit the
If you think Sarah Palin is qualified to govern, um, anything…you just might be a Republican.
If you have no idea what ACORN is, but are pretty sure it’s out to ruin America…you might be a Republican.
Of the last two presidential candidates, you think Obama was the one not born in the United States…you might be a Republican.
If you think the president’s use of a teleprompter is worth even one second of discussion…you might be a Republican.
If you think that if a president authorized it, it can’t be illegal…you just might be a Republican. Hell, you might even be a former Secretary of State.
If you oppose abortion, but support the death penalty, extraordinary rendition and waterboarding…you are definitely a Republican.
If you think the best way to “represent”
If you're a closeted homosexual who digs anonymous gay sex but preaches that gays are evil...dang it, there's not even a joke there. The odds are real damn good that you're a Republican.
Readers, this list is by no means comprehensive. I invite you to submit your own “you might be a Republican if” in the comments.