Monday, July 06, 2009

No time is a good time for goodbyes

Well, readers, I’ve spent the weekend trying to make sense of Governor Palin’s resignation speech, which wasn’t easy considering the only thing more fucked up than the content was the delivery. Is this something they teach you in the beauty pageant world, to talk like your speech is written on the bodies of thousands of tiny bats flying around inside your skull?

First of all, I think that her usual M.O. of making her family stand up next to her was an excellent choice to make for a speech complaining about how the media exploits her children. It’s irony so thick and meaty you’ll be tempted to eat it with a fork – but use a spoon, of course, readers, to get every drop.

Drops such as the one in which she asserts that deserting the governor’s office while Alaska descends into perhaps unprecedented economic hard times is what’s best for Alaska. Frankly, I couldn’t agree more, but I had no idea that Palin and I would be on the same page on that issue. Hunter S. Thompson once said that when the going gets tough, the tough turn pro. No doubt Palin will come to appreciate that thought as she struggles to deliver on her 11 million book advance from Rupert Murdoch.

Another drop: Palin compared her decision to the inspiration she found when recently visiting American troops in Kosovo and Germany. And what did she find inspiring about the troops there, you may ask? They “don’t give up.”

Palin also went out of her way to crow about how the Supreme Court had reversed their favorite whipping boy, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, on two recent decisions in which the state of Alaska was defending what Palin describes as “states’ rights.” One decision ruled that a mining company does indeed have the right to deposit slag into an otherwise clean, freshwater lake. The other ruled that the state has the right to deny a defendant access to crime scene DNA to test against their own, even if the defendant pays for the tests.

Hey, way to go, Alaska. Now there’s some rights worth fighting for. No wonder your former governor is so proud. Freedom ain't, as country stars and bumper stickers are so found of reminding us, free.

Palin also quite rightly pointed out that part of the reason she was quitting was because she was, by virtue of the announcement that she would not seek re-election that she had just made 30 seconds ago, now a lame duck governor, and lame duck governors do not get anything done, so she had just as well quit in the middle of her first term anyways. I can’t help but wonder if any of the governor’s aides had pointed out that such reasoning was not very sound, since she could’ve easily not announced that she wasn’t running for a second term, and therefore not given away her lame duck status, if that status was so meaningful that she was using it to justify walking away from the office that the voters of the state of Alaska had elected her to. But I’m nitpicky like that.

And not to get into uncomfortable subjects, but did she really say that the world needed more retarded children? Because, Sarah, darling, no matter how much you love your retarded child, and lord knows I believe you do – the world does not need more retarded children. Nor does it need more blind children or deaf children or children born with bodies that do not allow them to run and play. No one thinks things like that. Jesus Christ, think about what you’re saying once in a while, will you?

Some people will no doubt point out that she didn’t really say the world needed more retarded children. She said, in the context of complaining that people were making fun of her son, that “the world needs more ‘Trigs’, not fewer.” And yes, she did put her child’s name in quotes in the official text of the speech. I CANNOT DEAL WITH HER GRAMMATICAL SHORTCOMINGS, PEOPLE. WE DO NOT HAVE TIME.

So what does “Trig” mean, if not a retarded child? A child people make fun of? The world needs more of those? That can’t be right. Maybe she meant a child used as a political prop, but could never be referred to in that way by anyone else but her?

I bet that’s it.

And here’s the last drop: after an entire speech spent denigrating the “REAL climate change” (ho ho!) that occurred in Alaskan politics, and painting the situation there as one completely unworthy of her considerable attentions and talents, she then went on to state that the dude taking over for her was going to be really good at governing it, and she didn’t want to discourage young people from going into politics. Because it’s so worth it! But not for her. And you can change government for the better! If it were even worth changing, which it isn’t. Public service, people! It’s for losers! Or not!

Overall, I think I was somewhat stunned that the entire speech was delivered in a manner so stammering, halting, and disjointed, and with such poor skill and technique that it was hard to believe that the woman stood on the floor of the RNC last year in front of twenty thousand people and lied her ass off with a straight face and wink. If McCain had won, she would’ve been one cantankerous septuagenarian’s heartbeat away from being president! President! Of the United States! I mean, sure, we’ve succeeded in lowering the bar to a stupefying level over the last eight years, but still. Even George W. at his most mind-bogglingly obtuse would’ve had trouble coming up with this:

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

In other words, only quitters keep trying. Only lazy people continue to work.

OMG, readers, it almost came to be. Remember that, every time you hear McCain prattle on about teaching Iran a lesson or you hear that stupid, bullying, coward of a moron whining on and on about how hard it is for her to stay awesome. Remember. It almost came to be.


Dad E said...

You show a real writing discipline here. I don't think I could wade through all the bull shit and write something that is interesting to read. On the bright side I am positive that as long as the Republican party embraces her, it is easier for the public as a whole to see how empty their ideas are. Sail on Sara Baraquitter with your overblown ego and attention span of a 2 year old.

Distributorcap said...

as always vikki - you are "dead fish" on - and brilliant

as i said over at my sarah palace - "I have never been so tired of hearing about someone so stupid in my life." i really cannot fathom what ANYONE see in her - other than the MILF she parades around for Rush, Pat and Bill the Kristol.

this woman is a horror show - she is "night of the living dead" wrapped up in "the creeping terror" with shades of "they saved hitlers brain." the thought of her running the country would actually make the end of " beneath the planet of the apes" a reality

the pundits can pundit all they want - the 20-25% rapid idiots in this country will continue to adore the 21st century Eva Person - the other 80% will hate her even more. and the pundits dont seem to get that -- quitting aint a way to endear people who find you repulsive.

thanks vikki - you always make my day.

danger - sarah palin!

SkylersDad said...

Oh I don't know Vikki, I think you judge too harshly. Her basketball story was breathtaking:

"Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me - sports... basketball. I use it because you're naive if you don't see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket... and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I'm doing that - keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities - smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it's time to pass the ball - for victory."

Holy shit, she just said a good point guard keeps her eye on the basket, then in the same paragraph, said she was keeping her eye on the ball. She can't even pull off a stupid sports metaphor!

SJ said...

I find I can't even speak about this person without wanting to scratch my eyes out in frustration and almost coming to be. I'm glad you can do it though. Thank god, you can do it so well.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

She asked her five kids if she should resign and said all five said "yeah" (OK, one Hell yeah"). I wonder how she got an answer from her pre-verbal, Down's Syndrome toddler?

bubbles said...

What scares me is that no matter how stupid she says or how badly she says it, there are still some people that "listen" to it. The ignorance is frightening to me. Remember, I live in a place where there are stickers that say "Palin 2012" on the road. Yikes.

"..more Trigs", WTF? That is insane and very, very sad - since government funding to support the care of the least able citizens in the country is sorely lacking - and government shouldn't spend, now, should it?


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Great post. Thanks for putting it up.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Great interpretation of the whole event. Thank the gods that we can always count on her to self imolate at the time that she needs to be on her game the most. She is a joke and will never get as close to the big chair has she did last year. However, I am sure the joy she brings me by the stupid things that come out of her mouth will go on and on and thats a bit of alright.

Larry Jones said...

Sarah Palin is now free to make speeches all over the country, appear on talk shows, write books, campaign for Republican midterm candidates and run for president! Woohoo! That's entertainment!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Zoe Wiseman said...

looks like you have a scared fool for a fan down here.

and he/she made just about as much sense as Sara Palin did.


when things get weird, the weird turn pro.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Damn, I wanted to see what her one fan wrote.

I quit the tryouts for basketball in the 9th grade, because my elbow hadn't healed from the dislocation yet and it was causing me a lot of pain. My teammates called me a quitter, and that still bothers me because I should have stuck with it.

Palin could have stuck with it and proved to us all that she has some redeeming qualities and seized the opportunity to be a role model for up-coming women politicians, but I guess when the shoe doesn't fit, quit.

Hilary didn't quit. I respect her for that.

vikkitikkitavi said...

My genius anonymous troll decided that the most devastating way to insult a woman blogger is to call me ugly and to speculate as to whether female is my true gender. I deleted him not because his comments hurt my feelings, but because I feel like I deserve an original insult, not some tired old "she's prettier than you!" eighth-grade excuse for trash talk.

I'm 48, so telling me that I would not be admitted into a beauty pageant is not exactly news to me. Nor does it cut me to the quick. I doubt that the troll could pose 1/100 of the threat to my self-esteem that I pose to it, but he's welcome to keep trying, I guess, since he obviously has nothing better to do.

Anonymous said...

Thousands of tiny bats... that's a perfect image of the inside of her head.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

He could have at least gotten your name right.

Spooney said...

What a dink that troll is...a perfect example of a Palin supporter.

BTW, I just got the Title "No time is a good time for goodbye" Sara - Jefferson Starship...good one!

Doc said...

"Jesus Christ, think about what you’re saying once in a while, will you?"

Why can this not be spoken aloud at every meeting of Government at all levels? We ruled out school prayer, you'd think that this would be the very least they could conceed to!

You have this boob of a woman dead to rights! Thank our collective lucky fifty stars that this dunderhead never came within an inch of being Prez.

I read on a blog today, "If you can't stand the heat, quit licking the grill!" and I think we have a perfect example here.


dguzman said...

Thank you for sifting through that pile-of-shit's pile of shit. I couldn't do it. But I guess that means Sarah and I have something in common -- we're both quitters!

Brilliant post as always.

That fucking Anon Troll keeps coming over to my blog and bashing you there too, the bastard.

dguzman said...

And while I laughed out loud at the great title, now that damned song is stuck in my head! "I'll never find another girl like you..."

SFNative said...

I love this. Unfortunately, it's so perfect I have no witticisms to add.

Allow me to say, word.

Michael said...

I'd commission you to spend real time on dissecting this speech and give the crazy behind it the burial we so desperately need.

Marshall Park Slope said...

It's sooo good Vikki! something I remembering hearing on the TV and just found in the speech:

"I've determined it's best to transfer the authority of governor to Lieutenant Governor Parnell; and I am willing to do so, so that this administration - with its positive agenda, its accomplishments, and its successful road to an incredible future - can continue without interruption and with great administrative and legislative success."

What is resiging in the middle of your term if not "interruption"?


jadedj said...

Great post.

My hat is off to you for hightlighting and weeding through that convoluted bullshit of a speech. My innards simply wouldn't take it. But then my ears automatically fill with fluid when she opens her irritating voice.

That being said, I will admit that this is re-scaring the shit out of me, because as Bubbles states above, there are far too many nimwits who believe her drool.

Believe it people, this bitch will be back on the national scene.