Thursday, November 05, 2009

#25 Humorless Blogger

Much has been made in the last couple of weeks of the iPhone app released by PepsiCo’s AMP “energy drink,” and the feminists whose criticism of it caused it to be removed. The app instructed men on how to “score” with 24 different “types” of women by supplying them with pick-up lines tailored to each “type.” It also provided practical information, such as nearby hotels where the “scoring” could take place, and finally, it encouraged men to share a "brag list" that contained the details of the “scoring” via that preferred medium of self-important douchebags everywhere: Twitter.

AMP’s irony-free and apparently straight-faced “apology” was also delivered via Twitter: “Our app tried 2 show the humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women. We apologize if it’s in bad taste and appreciate your feedback.”

Yes, it’s the classic “I’m sorry if you’re offended” non-apology apology, delivered with preposition-dropping and character-conserving numerical lol speak.

Who could ask for anything more? Surely not the bonerkill feminists, who had criticized the app by once again advancing the tired argument that women were being objectified.

Yes, that old chestnut.

Readers, I would never suggest anything so esoteric and also impossible to prove, statistically. Besides, it’s not as if we’re still living in the ‘80s, when women had to sleep with dogs to gain access to cheap beer. This is the 21st century - an enlightened, post-feminist era when you don’t have to be a GOP broodmare to come terrifyingly close to being terrifying close to the employment of the 25th amendment, but it sure helps.

My argument against AMP, I mean, besides that I find the term “energy drink” to be a hilariously obvious attempt by marketing men to sell a cultural zeitgeist in which a man drinking a “soft drink” would be roughly equivalent to him cutting off his dick and lobbing it into the crowd at Lilith Fair – besides that, my argument against AMP is simply that I find 24 “types” of women to be a fairly confining number.

For example, I find no entry in their list of “types” of women that would advise men on how to score with chicks like that 15-year-old girl in Richmond, California who was gang-raped by ten males after a homecoming dance for two and half hours while as many as 20 other men and boys looked on and recorded photos and video. I mean, sure, she’s proven she’s not difficult to “score” with, but still, you’d expect a conscientious corporation like Pepsi to at least provide guidance on the best ways to inebriate and overcome your average underage girl. Maybe a companion app that figures pounds of resistance times blood alcohol level divided by the number of bros in your posse?

Come on, Pepsi, get on it, before Budweiser beats you to the punch!

Also disappointingly absent from their list of “types” of women is your basic women with power-type deal. Your Nancy Pelosis, your Hilary Clintons, your Sonia Sotomayors. I mean, sure the app offers “married,” and “businesswoman,” and “political girl,” and even “women’s studies major,” but none of those “types” really adequately covers a group with such aggressive unwillingness to concede to the broham desire for conquest that is so fundamental to his nature, not to mention Madison Avenue’s bottom line. So exactly how does one go about tapping a choice piece of wise Latina? Thanks to Pepsi, a bro will never know. Seriously, they could at least offer a few strategies for getting around the security detail, because in spite of their gender makeup the Secret Service has in the past shown a real reluctance to play wingman.

Sadly, I find myself also absent from AMP’s helpful guide to the 24 flavors of female. My age and sexual appetite might suggest I fall under “cougar,” I suppose, but then again, I think I am disqualified from that group by my aversion to stupid young men. So, in the interest of post-feminist helpfulness, I now offer to iPhone app programmers the outline of a guide to “scoring” with me.

1. Get a real drink
2. Take off that stupid hat
3. Put down your fucking iPhone

See? I’m easy.


Michael said...

Let's get away from all these phonies, Vikki. I know a place.

Bubs said...

"So exactly how does one go about tapping a choice piece of wise Latina?"

I had never asked that question, but now that you have, that's all I'm obsessing about.

Poplicola said...

I think you're missing the larger social impact of the campaign. If it works as intended, think of all the meatheads staying out of bars and restaurants because they're at home masturbating to energy drink advertisements. I guess I don't see the downside.

Dad E said...

I bet Sponey is feeling proud that he is not a "stupid young man".

Spooney said...

@Dad E, no I'm not a very young man anymore :)

SkylersDad said...

Too bad there isn't an app for tracking down and kicking the shit out of the people who thought of this.

Anonymous said...

Miz Vikki, ah luvs yew.

Grant Miller said...

Bonerkill. I love that word.

Doc said...

Forgive me for saying so dear but I suspicion that you aren't that "easy". I'm guessing Spooney had to do a little more than put down the phone, take off his hat, and order a tall Johnny Walker.

But what do I know?


GETkristiLOVE said...

Loved Spuds Mackenzie, but hated the commercials just for that reason.

Red said...

There are plenty of smart, assertive women in this world who are not about to get scored on unless a guy is somewhere approaching worthy; in my mind, no guy who thinks of it as "scoring" is.

But perhaps it's actually not "plenty" and is more like "some." We should come up with an iPhone app to help less smart/discriminating women determine when a guy is only after one thing. 'Cause if she's okay with that, I'm not telling her what to do. But if she wants a list of phrases with which to shoot him down, we should help a sister out.

We could also include crisis information for women who need it. It's sad to think how many do.

Anonymous said...

You've given me a great idea for AMP's new add campaign:

AMP, it's like TAB for Douchebags!

Liberality said...

I don't have a sense of humor I suppose because reading that about the young girl really pissed me the fuck off. THAT kind of shit is NOT OKAY with me!!!

And I know you feel that way too and so do all the guys who comment here. She is a human being and deserves respect--she is not a fuck machine for stupid fucking assholes and all the porn heads out there in the goddamn world. FUCK, man, why is that not OBVIOUS?!!!

bubbles said...

It would be interesting to see the team of folks at Pepsi that thought that was a great idea. More interesting to have been a fly on the wall in their meetings. I'm just imagining... SNL should have done a skit!

Marshall Park Slope said...

i am so glad you are back!

kittens not kids said...

i cannot believe that numerous people alive on this planet thought this app was EVER a good enough idea to actually implement.

jesus christmascake, what is this world coming to?

to my list of how to score with me, I would simply copy yours and add "demonstrate fluency in correct English spelling and grammar; never use numbers in place of words"

nothing is hotter than a man with flawless grammar and a great vocabulary.

kiki said...

where are they now featuring Spuds Mackenzie?

turns our Spuds was actually a female named Honey Tree Evil Eye. Fitting though, that like so many 80's-15-minutes-of-fame celebrities, Spuds / Honey died of kidney failure in illinois in 1993

R.I.P. Spuds / HTEE

michael rock said...

Crappy app to be sure, but take a look at the list of "Dating" reality shows and tell me they aren't often as reductive and sexist. And their viewership is in the many millions. Why do so few people protest them? Perhaps because apps are new and sexism on TV is very old, indeed.

dguzman said...

Holy shit. Leave it to you to take a bunch of time off then come back and hit your first pitch right out of the fucking park. Only you, man, only you.

As to this "idea" from Pepsi? I have no words, man. But yours say it all.