Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why does the Lone Star State hate our fifty stars?


Well, now that they’ve discovered a blonde, white woman from Texas who’s a terrorist, I certainly hope that the right wing will subject the Lone Star State to the same kind of pejoratives that they did California in the aftermath of the hoopla over John Walker Lindh, the “American Taliban,” AKA the “misguided Marin County hot-tubber.”

I can’t wait for all the televised hand-wringing about how the conservative Christian climate in Texas makes it a breeding ground for anti-American sentiment. I want Texas listed alongside of Syria and Iran as state sponsors of terrorism. I want to erect a fence around Texas to keep them from crossing the border into the real America. When we do allow them to travel, I want them to be searched, x-rayed, and body-scanned. I want to see their passports; I want their Lone Star beer confiscated if it exceeds 3 ounces, or is not contained in a clear ziplock bag. If someone in a cowboy hat prays to their “god” or goes to the bathroom while on a commercial flight, I want crazy hysterical fucking hell to break loose.

And I call for the government of Mexico to enforce the border along the Rio Grande with national troops, and to stop allowing Texans to cross over to trade guns for cheap hooch, illegal drugs, and sequined sombreros.

I want an apology from the governors of Texas from 1985, when Colleen LaRose (What is that, French?)was first arrested, to when she was allowed to escape their jurisdiction in 2005. That means you, Rick Perry, and you, George W. Bush. Please explain to the American people how you allowed the radicalization of Jihad Jane to happen on your watch.

And I call for the people in New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas and Louisiana to build new settlements along their borders with Texas, in order that Texans may be contained within their existing lands. And I call for patriotic Americans to populate these settlements in order to ensure that the country of the United States of America is not threatened by the growing menace of domestic Texan terrorism.

Lastly, I want to remind the American people that the Lone Star State did secede from our Union once, and had to be forcibly integrated back into these United States by order of a treaty of war. And it has not escaped my notice that Texans, including their terrorist-colluding Governor Perry have frequently expressed a desire to secede from us once again. And so I say unto them…now seems like a really good time to do that.

So, you know, feel free.

11 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Damn terrorists.

SkylersDad said...

Take your boot-scootin asses out of the country and don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

kirby said...

Fatima LaRose? Sounds like she was trying to live out some half baked romance novel. By the way, most of the New Mexicans I know could get behind your idea of a Check Point Carlos at the Tejas border.

Mnmom said...

I don't think all of that would go far enough to wipe out the terrorist threat growing in Texas. Perhaps we'd best "nuke it back to the stone age". Wasn't that the prescribed treatment for those harboring terrorists?

Professor Chaos said...

Hear, Hear! You nailed it. Wish you'd post more often, I always love your stuff.

Dad E said...

The first known terrorist in Texas struck at the grassy knoll, I am convinced.

dguzman said...

Well, I'm glad I got out there before the fences went up. Still, how will I get my family out? Because believe me, those Texans are a bunch of ten-gallon-hat-wearing, pistol-waving, Bible-loving horse jockeys.

Poplicola said...

It all seems a little harsh. I feel like the sequined sombreros are punishment enough. Or they would be if they realized the Mexicans were laughing at them.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Dad E - Them root scootin' terror pootin' cowboy image stealing (cowboys are from california and they were mexican) Texans should probably secede now. And don't let the American Flag hit them in the ass. Maybe Puerto Rico would finally join the Union so we wouldn't have to change the number of stars.

jessica said...

Not born in Texas, but was a resident there for about 25 years and have many near, dear friends still living there. I am (have always been) a Democrat - even tho' I had many friends who were overstated Republicans. Please don't lump the whole state into this big judgemental group. There have been (still are) many good folks there who are NOT ultra-conservatives. We are not a single thought - like many other states, many of us do NOT follow the "party line". I loved Ann Richards and was dismayed at her replacement. Never voted for a Republican in that state -- NEVER.

Anonymous said...

I think that if Texas were allowed to secede (more power to them) that a few states would join them like the Old Confederacy, the Louisiana Purchase States, plus Coahilla, Tamaulipas, Chihuahua, Neuvo Leon, Brittish Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Yukon, Northwest Territories, and Alaska (incidently excluding the Blue States).

I hope your dream comes true.