Friday, July 06, 2007

Where's MY HOV lane?

The Los Angeles Times today published a story about how scientists off the coast of Baja California have noticed that a significant portion of the gray whale population is too skinny, due to the effects of global warming on its arctic food supply.

So, allow me to beat you to the punch, all you lame-ass comedians and right-wing industry apologists:

In LA, even the whales are skinny! Har har.

You know what else is funny? Drowning polar bears and dying coral reefs!


And the people that care about all that know what they are?

Fucking bleeding heart losers. Fucking whiny little vegetarians who are so weak from the lack of good ole' American fucking red meat that they fall to the ground, disoriented, and unable to use the stink of their patchouli incense to find their way back home.

They're dying of liberal colony collapse disorder, just like those fucking bees.

Some day, people in the future will look back at us, and our time, and they will say, "Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck were those fucking people thinking?! Talk about heads up their asses! What the fuck did they THINK was happening to all those animals and plants and whole entire fucking ecosystems?!? Did they think it was just some kind of crazy fucking coincidence??? Were they all just fucking stupid, or did they just not give a fucking rat's ass?? Holy fucking Christ on a motherfucking cross!!"

Okay, okay, people of the future! Cripes, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

So recently, I was having lunch with some scientists in the energy tech industry, and the subject of global warming came up, as it do tend. After we talked about carbon emissions, I brought up the fact that methane is also a greenhouse gas, and that livestock production contributes more to greenhouse gas emissions than any other source, including transportation.

"Yes, but methane dissipates more quickly in the atmosphere," one scientist said.

"Okay, maybe," I said, "but we don't need many years and new technologies to cut down on methane production. A serious reduction could be achieved in a much shorter space of time than by any other means we've discussed."

"But," said another of them, "you can have transportation without carbon dioxide. You can't have cows without methane."

He flashed a small smile to the others.

"You can have food without cows," I said.

My remark hung in the air like a fart in an elevator. Everyone looked at me like I had just taken a giant shit on their plate. After a few moments, one of them started to chuckle quietly. I wasn't sure if it was because he thought I was tres amusing, or whether he was acknowledging that I had managed, without the benefit of a Ph.D., to say something insightful.

I'm not a scientist, and so I usually don't stick my neck out like that when I'm around groups of scientists, because they tend to have a lot more facts at their fingertips than I do.

But jeezy creezy, when are we going to wake up to this simple and important part of the global warming equation? Vegetarians contribute the equivalent of 1.5 tons fewer of carbon dioxide per year than meat eaters. It's as simple as that.

So, tomorrow, while you're watching Sting butcher and jazzify some great vintage Police song at that dang lame Live Earth concert, and one of the musicians there, probably Melissa Etheridge, asks what YOU are doing to stop global warming, stand up and lift your beer and proudly exclaim "I'm eating some crappy little dried-out veggie burger, okay? Happy now, Al Gore? Huh? Happy?!?"


Grant Miller said...

They shouldn't let Sting butcher Police songs anymore.

Oh, and Go Veg!

deadspot said...

Remember the Onion story Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants?

OK, why is it on an Iranian news website?


Anyway, here's a little something to listen to while you eat your dried-out veggie burger.

Anonymous said...

I'd go vegetarian if it meant that Sting would just go away forever.

Johnny Yen said...

I just finished Jared Diamond's "Collapse" a couple of days ago. Fucking great book. I'll be posting about it soon. I keep coming back to that image of the Easter Islanders cutting down their last tree, and thinking "What the fuck were they thinking?" We're doing our version of it right now.

The Police played at Wrigley Field last night. The reviews are overall favorable, but there were people desperately trying to dump tickets outside, apparently.

Spooney said...

"Were they all just fucking stupid, or did they just not give a fucking rat's ass??"

Skylers Dad said...

When they pry my cow from my dead cold fingers...

OK, seriously now, it is a good idea Vikki. I have to consider the amount of meat I eat from a number of standpoints, health, environment, and ethics.

One of my right-wing friends, when faced with overwhelming evidence of global warming, has finally resorted to saying "At least we aren't heading into another ice age. That's what we really need to be worried about!"

Jesus Christ on a crutch...

Spooney said...

The more meat you eat the more you're supportin the troops!

'Bubbles' said...

But vikki, if I eat the amount of beans I require on a vegan diet, my production of methane will beat any cattle herd anywhere.


Just kiddin' vikki! When I'm eating the right way I eat Boca Burgers exclusively.

I hope Palm Springs is wonderful. I'm frying my ass off over here in AZ!

GETkristiLOVE said...

Somebody bring me some Boca, can't you see it's out of control?!

Michael said...

Why does it have to be in burger form to be worth eating?