The dark horse

In Genesis it says that man has dominion over all the animals on earth.

It’s quite the convenient belief. And it’s been used to argue against everything from Earth Day to laws preventing the beaks of live chickens from being cut off in order that more of them can be crammed into a cage. Personally, I believe that man makes his gods in his own image, and so it’s no surprise that the god of most Christians is pretty much an misanthropic critter-shootin’ asshole.

Don’t get me wrong, though, I don’t anthropomorphize animals. Not like that woman who claims that her dog told her she had cancer.

Apparently there is a legitimate medical basis for dogs detecting cancer by smelling cancerous cells in urine or even possibly in human respiration. But this woman believes that her dog let her know she had breast cancer by smelling her breath, looking sad, and then nudging the infected breast. But how did the dog know it was breast cancer, and how did he know where the lump was, by rubbing up against her? If that’s how dogs indicate cancer, then there must be something really horribly wrong with my right leg.

The nurse who broke the cancerous news to the woman in the story told her that it was not uncommon for her patients to tell her that they had already been diagnosed by their dogs. What the nurse doesn’t say, however, is how many patients react to the news that they do NOT have cancer by saying “that’s strange, because my asshole dog told me that I DID! ”

And speaking of asshole dogs, the woman also had a 2^nd dog who was completely oblivious to her ordeal. Now, if you think that dogs know when you have cancer, how can you continue to live with a pooch who knows you have it, and yet doesn’t give a shit? I mean, what a douchebag, right?

I’m not sure that dogs are any good at medicine, but I know there’s one thing dogs are really, really, good at, and that is getting humans to think whatever we need to think about them in order for us to want to give them more biscuits.

Another thing they’re good at, is bearing the suffering that humans inflict upon them. All animals are. Horses are being affected by our current economic woes more seriously than other animals because they are expensive to care for. Consequently, more and more of them are being criminally neglected. More and more of them are being sent to auctions where they are purchased by “killer buyers” and shipped, under horrific conditions, to slaughterhouses in Mexico and Canada.

Horse meat is not eaten in the United States, but until recently, horses were slaughtered here, and their meat was exported. In 2007, the last slaughterhouse in this country was shut down, but pressure from foreign importers on legislators has increased, and there have been several attempts to revive equine slaughterhouses in the US. And now, a Republican state rep from Montana, Ed Butcher (I know), has introduced new legislation in his state under the guise of pretending to give a shit about the suffering of horses.

Yes, that’s right, he says that slaughtering old, sick & neglected horses is the “humane” way to dispose of them.

If there’s anyone out there who isn’t informed enough to know that even the best slaughterhouse makes a mockery of the word “humane,” then there are plenty of places you can go online to be disposed of your ignorance.

In fact, if you ask me, we should come up with a new word for “humane,” one that isn’t based on “human,” because we have no right to claim that concern for suffering, or sympathy for the conditions of other species, are qualities that we collectively possess.

But if you do care about horses, and think they are beautiful, and can’t imagine them receiving the kind of treatment we usually reserve for cows, pigs, chickens, and goats, then you should support H.R. 503, which would end not only the slaughter, but also the export for slaughter, of horses in the United States. Horse owners would be encouraged to put down their animals humanely, like dogs and cats are. When you think about the lifetime of service they give to us, it is almost literally the least we can do.

Also, think about eating less meat. You don’t have to stop. It’s not about being perfect. None of us is perfect.*

Go one day a week without eating meat. If you already do that, go one more day. You don’t have to feel deprived about it, either. There are plenty of meat substitutes out there, and you can use them to make all those comfort foods that you love. You can buy awesome breakfast or ground sausage, and a great substitute for ground beef, and tasty fake chicken breasts. This weekend, I made Emeril’s recipe for classic jambalya, using vegetable stock, vegan shrimp, and vegetarian Italian sausage. You wouldn’t believe how freakin good it was, and it’s about a bazillion times better for the environment, and…it’s not chock full of the flesh of suffering animals.

That’s better than even odds, readers, it's a win-win. Think about it.

*except Gwyneth Paltrow