Thursday, April 30, 2009

With obvious apologies to that dude that does that redneck bit


Have you noticed how many people are out there talking through the tubes of the internets, spewing right-wing talking points such as “torture works,” and “Obama’s a socialist,” and yet when you make a comment about the Republican party, they quickly assert that they are “Independent,” and “disgusted by both parties”?

It’s officially a trend, according to Pew Research. In 2004, one in three people identified themselves as Republican. Now it’s less than one in four.

That’s not to say that conservatives are getting less conservative. They’re just too fucking chickenshit to stand up for the party that embodies their beliefs.

Yeah, for all their guns and hellfire and damnation, they sure are a bunch of pussy-ass motherfuckers.

I mean, seriously, can you believe that shit? I have always been proud to be a Democrat, because even in our dark days, it’s the ideals of our party that make us super badass. We cannot be truly represented by any one politician, no matter how cool he is, and we cannot be brought down by just one, either. The Democratic party is like that loud ethnic family on your block: they’re always screaming at each other, and they can be verbose and sentimental and bull-headed, but they look out for one another. At first they seem kind of embarrassing, but in the end, they stick up for people, even if they don’t see eye to eye with them. Not like that scary repressed WASP-y family across the street. No one wants to be them, no matter how much money they have. Sure, it’s nice that all their bullying makes them successful at protecting their money and buying expensive things, but hey, what good are expensive things when no one wants to sit next to you at the block party because you’re so damn mean?

Still, I think that admitting you have a problem is the first step toward healing. And so, as a service to Republicans, I am giving them a handy guide for self-diagnosis. Here’s hoping they put it to good use, and get some help before it’s too late.

You Might Be a Republican If…

If you think that the TV show “24” is proof that torture works…you might be a Republican.

If Dick Cheney’s word is good enough for you…you might be a Republican.

If you listed “the specter of gay marriage” on your divorce papers as the reason why your own heterosexual marriage didn’t pan out…you might be a Republican.

If you don’t understand that Colbert is making fun of you…you might be a Republican.

If you uttered nary a peep for six years about the 3 trillion we’re spending in Iraq, but go apoplectic and don a hat made of teabags at the mention of 800 billion for projects to benefit the USA…you might be a Republican.

If you think Sarah Palin is qualified to govern, um, anything…you just might be a Republican.

If you have no idea what ACORN is, but are pretty sure it’s out to ruin America…you might be a Republican.

If you think hate crimes legislation will end free speech, but support the FCC ban against saying naughty words on the TV…you might be a Republican.

Of the last two presidential candidates, you think Obama was the one not born in the United States…you might be a Republican.

If you think the president’s use of a teleprompter is worth even one second of discussion…you might be a Republican.

If you think that if a president authorized it, it can’t be illegal…you just might be a Republican. Hell, you might even be a former Secretary of State.

If you oppose abortion, but support the death penalty, extraordinary rendition and waterboarding…you are definitely a Republican.

If you think the best way to “represent” California is to advocate disenfranchising 5% of the state’s population…you’re a Republican, all right. Oh, and if your idea of “helping young girls with their self-esteem” is to get state pageant officials to pay for your boob job…you’re definitely a cunt as well.

If you're a closeted homosexual who digs anonymous gay sex but preaches that gays are evil...dang it, there's not even a joke there. The odds are real damn good that you're a Republican.

Readers, this list is by no means comprehensive. I invite you to submit your own “you might be a Republican if” in the comments.

27 comments:

Some Guy said...

If you think the United States is a Christian nation...don't even try to deny it.

Brilliant, by the way.

Grant Miller said...

This may be my favorite blog post ever.

Grant Miller said...

I will spend the next few days thinking of "You might be a republican if..." jokes.

Dad E said...

If you are thinking about changing parties--you might be a republican.

Dad E said...

If you watch Fox News because you think its fair and balanced--you might be a republican.

Poplicola said...

I don't fall under any of those categories, but I AM using the Mexican swine flu to retroactively justify my preexisting prejudice against the Swarthies from You Know Where. Border fence! Border fence!

SJ said...

pussy-ass muthafuckas... my stolen phrase for the weekend....

Dad E said...

If distroying embroys from fertility clinics is OK, but using them for medical research is murder--you might just be a republican.

Dad E said...

If you have been having sex with your mistress before you got divorced, like to dress up in drag, and see an opportunity to run for governor by campaigning against gay marriage even though you previously supported it--you might just be a republican.

Dad E said...

Someone stop me please!!

BTW-I like the Steven Colbert one the best.

If you think sucession from the Union is still a good idea--you might just be a Texas blowhard republican.

Zoe Wiseman said...

If you think hanging out on the border with binoculars walkie talkies pretending to be vigilantes is a good way to pass the time... you might be a Republican.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I've always been proud to call myself a liberal Demopcrat, especially when that fat drug addict was trying to turn those words into an epithet.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Some Guy: Excellent, I can't believe I left that one out!

Grant: And then you'll tell me you're stealing the joke, right?

DadE: Dang it! Embryos! Nice one!

Pops: Dude, I hate to say this, but you just might be a Republican.

SJ: Ah, high praise indeed from the SJ. Please to enjoy le obscenite, bish.

Zoe: Excellent!! The "Minutemen" need a mention!

Dr.MVM: I'm pretty sure it's still an epithet. But never you mind, monkey, history will vindicate us.

Spooney said...

If you don’t believe in evolution, then you are probably a republican...and an idiot.

Red said...

The Steven Colbert one is my favorite, too.

If you think the Republicans in the Senate are well rid of Arlen Specter...well, you never doubted that you were a Republican. But as, Ed Gillespie, maybe? wrote in the NYTimes, "...this is good for the Democrats and good for President Obama and bad for us, and if you think otherwise, put down the Ann Coulter book and go get some fresh air."

Spooney said...

If Ann Coulter gives you a stiffy, then you are definately a republican.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Red: Yes, especially with a Supreme Court nomination on the way. Me likely the filibuster-proof majority.

Spooney: If AC gives you a stiffy, you should go see a psychiatrist, I don't care which party you belong to.

kirby said...

Your "If" list also doubles as my "Reasons I don't go to family reunions" list.

Professor Chaos said...

If you had no problem with the patriot Act, warrantless wiretapping, and the end of habeus corpus, but are now suddenly afraid that the country is plunging into tyranny, you might be a Republican. And a loonie.

Distributorcap said...

if you enjoy teabagging, and not the drinking kind

Johnny Yen said...

If you think that any restriction of any kind on any gun, including assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets is a dangerous incursion on the second amendment, but that there should be limits on speech and the first amendment, you may be a Republican.

Liberality said...

Like Professor Chaos says...

If you had no problem with the patriot Act, warrantless wiretapping, and the end of habeus corpus, but are now suddenly afraid that the country is plunging into tyranny, you might be a Republican. And a loonie.the hypocrisy of the republican party is something that is always on display!

Coaster Punchman said...

I love this post so much I may print it and frame it. That is the greatest description of the Democrats I have ever heard.

jadedj said...

"If you're a closeted homosexual who digs anonymous gay sex but preaches that gays are evil...", you may be a Republican named Rush Limbaugh.

dguzman said...

BRILLIANT! As are all the commenters' contributions! I'm definitely printing this post out and putting it up in the Faux Nooz Work-Cafeteria.

Doc said...

You might be a Republican if you won't vote to give $0.69 of every $100 you make so that your failing school system can have art, music, books, buses and lunch, not to mention that you would like the MRDD program to fold so you don't have to fund the "retards".

Asswipes.

Doc

JP said...

If you think unborn babies have a right to life, but already-born, non-Caucasian civilian babies living in the Middle East have a right to die... you might be a Republican.