Thursday, May 28, 2009

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it - UPDATED



Don’t let anyone fool ya, it is still plenty tough for a woman up in this USA mug.

Sure, we’ve gotten into some pretty high places, but the climb’s still a rough one. Plus, once we get there, it’s as likely as not that there’s going to be some guy there to take our crown away and organize a club around making sure that as few of us as possible get through the next time. Plus, I don’t know if you gals out there know this, but marriage only exists to limit access to our hoo-hahs. Although if that’s true, then I don’t know why two lesbians wouldn’t be okay with all them marriage Nazis, because then you would have twice as much coochie guarding going on, right? Lesbian readers, feel free to chime in with any coochie guarding tips you might have. Being a straight gal, I have no clue how to limit access to my lady parts, and maybe a lot of that went on during my two marriages, but that’s not really what I remember. I mostly remember the fantasy football.

Being female is awesome (although I am still waiting for red flowers to grow in the crotch of my underwear like that film strip in 5th grade said would happen). Except sometimes, it sucks. For example, in my life, I oversee quite a few construction contractors. Every once in a while, I will call over a male colleague to confer with me in the presence of the contractor on user-specific issues. And you know, it makes no difference that I am the one that called the contractors in, the one that approved the estimate, and the one that oversees their work, issues the change orders, and asks them all the questions – if there is a man standing next to me, they will talk to the man. I ask a question, and the contractor tells the answer to the guy standing next to me. It would be kind of hilarious if it weren’t so infuriating.

Ok, perhaps they’re not used to reporting to someone who steps over circular saws in a pencil skirt and adorable 3 inch strappy sandals, but hey, to whom is it not obvious yet that the world is changing every minute, baby? Either get on and strap in, or get the fuck off and shut the fuck up.

And from the GTFO&STFU category, we have the myriad of Sotomayor critics on the right, who are throwing out more red herrings than Gus Van Sant imitating Brian DePalma imitating Alfred Hitchcock. If one were to listen to these right-wingers, and I must warn you beforehand that I am not making any of these things up, we would be enlightened by the following arguments.

Sotomayor:

1.) Is being unreasonable about the pronunciation of her name. Americans want to put the emphasis on the first syllable (SO-to-my-yer) instead of the last, (so-to-my-YOR). So she should let them stress the first syllable and stop insisting on the correct pronunciation, because it’s annoying. After reading this unbelievably juvenile diatribe, I was struck by a couple of things, the first one being that the author’s name is Krikorian, (emphasis second syllable) and he probably would not be too keen on being called “Cry-Korean!”

The second thing is that he also tries to pick a fight with Latino/Latino sticklers, saying that “English dropped gender in nouns, what, 1,000 years ago?”

Oh, okay, I’ll try to remember that the next time an actress or a comedienne or an aviatrix or a seamstress or a heroine or a waitress or a chairwoman or a landlady come by, trying to give me shit about where are all my extra letters at, bitch?

2.) Is claiming that her extra special rulings are food-inspired. Yes, again, please to remember that I am not kidding. The incredible stretch of logic goes like this: Sotomayor says that Puerto Rican food is an important part of her heritage. Sotomayor also says that her heritage is an important part of her rulings, ERGO, pig’s feet with beans = illegal Mexican abortionists running wild in the streets. Never mind that W. appointee Justice Alito went on and on and on during his confirmation hearings about his family’s immigrant background and his, ahem, empathy for others in similar immigrant-y type situations.

3.) Is a stupid bitch. In spite of graduating summa cum laude from Princeton and graduating from Yale Law School as an editor of the Yale Law Journal, she is apparently “not that smart” according to an anonymous former clerk whose words have been repeated in perpetuity throughout the dumbiverse. Also, when she is not busy basing rulings on how she feels about things (Duh! She’s a woman! Probably also on her period!), she’s too clinical. Also a bully. Except when she’s too feminine.

Is your head reeling yet? Mine is, but that’s probably because I’m a girl.

Also, just as warning to all my single ladies, I don’t know if you know this, but it turns out that conservatives have a much more highly developed sense of disgust than liberals do. I know! The anal sex obsession/revulsion, the poor-people-living-in-squalor-hating, it all makes so much more sense now, doesn’t it? So, you marriage-minded gals, you know, if you’re looking for someone to help with the diaper changing, or the bathroom cleaning, or the sex-during-that-time-of-the-month having, maybe a Republican spouse is not such a good idea after all. Just sayin.

---------------------------------

UPDATE - UPDATE - UPDATE

--------------------------------

Yesterday on his radio show, the deliciously thick-skulled Republican show poodle G. Gordon Liddy (does EVERYONE on the right get a radio show?) said, regarding SCOTUS nominee Sotomayor, "Let's hope that the key conferences aren't when she's menstruating."

I got 3 reactions to this.

1. "Conferences?" Do you mean the oral argument sessions? Who calls them conferences? You'd think someone who's been eaten up and shat out by the legal system would have a little better handle on the terminology.

2. Fucking bring it, assholes. You'll only make it easier for Sotomayor to get through. And for the next one to get through as well. You're only making it easier for people to stop calling themselves Republican. You're only making it easier for me, not more difficult. So flail, motherfuckers, flail. Mmmm...I love it. It smells like fresh, newly-mown victory, deep fried and dipped in a side of cool, creamy vindication, motherfuckers.

3. At 54, Sotomayor is a few years past the average age for the onset of menopause, so the whole "on the rag" joke is just a bit off the mark. Not that I would expect Liddy to know at what age women are likely to be menopausal. In fact, I seem to recall a few similar jokes made by other men on the right regarding Hillary Clinton and even Nancy Pelosi, who are 61 and 69, respectively.

So the question is, if you've got yourself a menopausal-age woman that you want to ridicule, why go for the menses? I mean, it's kind of like teasing a 30-year-old man for having pubes. Why not go for the hot flash joke? It seems like kind of an equivalent slam to me, so why do those types never do it?

The answer is, only women make jokes about hot flashes and menopause. Men don't joke about it because they don't know what it is. They have no idea what menopause even means. Because by the time women have reached the age of menopause, men have long since stopped paying any attention to them. No wonder women like Sotomayor and Pelosi and Clinton confound those old washed-up pants-pissing fear monkeys. Unless they're making them a sandwich or washing their laundry, those old fucks have no idea that women even live past the age of 40.




22 comments:

Michael said...

It's truly sad how the modern-day sense of conservatism boils down to little more than a profound forsaking of one's self-awareness.

Dad E said...

Vik-Don't let those contractor's do that to you. Teach them how to treat you. Guys like directness. Go, girl.

jadedj said...

Now I know where my diaper changing, dish washing, bathroom cleaning proclivities come from...I'm a liberal Democrat...male type.

The wingnut uproar about her is basically pathetic.

dguzman said...

BRILLIANT as always. I laughed like a hyena when I read: "I’ll try to remember that the next time an actress or a comedienne or an aviatrix or a seamstress or a heroine or a waitress or a chairwoman or a landlady come by, trying to give me shit about where are all my extra letters at, bitch"

Pure bloggy gold, baby!

And I agree with DadE re the contractors. I suggest you grab one by the jaw and turn his face toward you, so he'll know whom to address.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Michael: I just don't know how they get around having to hold their noses while they speak. They must be breathing through their mouths.

Jadedj: The upside is that no one in the real world seems to be taking their outrage very seriously.

DadE & DGuz: Oh, don't get me wrong. I have my ways of dealing with the contractors, don't you worry about that.

Some Guy said...

It goes without saying at this point, but you write good (for a girl).

Marshall Park Slope said...

If only Olbermann would replace his parting "good night and good luck" with "get the fuck off and shut the fuck up" I would sleep peacefully 8 hours every night.

Frank Sirmarco said...

She lives in American, vikki - if she don't like havin' her name misspoke, she should go back to Canada!

GETkristiLOVE said...

I hate it when sometimes in nice restaurants, the wait staff does the same thing. Even though I am the one to ask about the menu/wine and order for myself, they ask SV how everything is tasting, bring him the wine to sample, and even bring MY credit card back to HIM.

Red said...

During the time EG and I were apart, I went out with a Republican in blue clothing. (He was on city council as a Dem.) He claimed that if he had to change a poopy diaper he would throw up - he would just never be able to do that. Needless to say, I went running back to me darlin' man when he gave me an opening. He can change diapers; I've seen him. Though he's an independent rather than a Dem.

I think it's possible (forgive me, Vikki) that not every single Republican guy on the planet is that dumb. But my experience was with one who was!

kirby said...

No, no, you have it all wrong. Women should marry Republicans so that they'll have enough money to be able to pay the brown people to raise their kids and clean their houses. At least that what my sisters-in-law tell me.

SkylersDad said...

Based solely on my wife's experience with menopause, I think that the Repub's that want to even go there had sure be out of roundhouse kick distance!

vikkitikkitavi said...

SGuy: Thanks, you're a smart man. And I'm not even damning with faith praise.

MarshPS: That's it, I am copywriting GTFO&STFU.

Frank: Frank! Long time no comment! It's good to know that time has mellowed you at all.

GKL: The same thing happens to me. All. The. Time.

Red: I didn't say they were dumb. I said they had an overly developed sense of disgust. Hell, it's a scientific fact, now.

Kirby: Hm. Have they been dumped for the new wife yet?

SkyDad: I think that's a good rule no matter what time it is.

Zoe Wiseman said...

ARGHHH

How can you say that SotomaYOR isn't intelligent enough but get behind the average "C" Yale student for President?

?????????????

It's infuriating!

But - there is something about her Puerto Rican heritage that concerns me. And that's abortion. I don't know that she would uphold it. I hope she would, but ... just questioning. It's a gut feeling.

bubbles said...

Excellent post! Surely can relate to the parts about dealing with men. Much as I love 'em, some of them need a good ass kicking, which I have always been happy to provide. (Ya know, I'm such a bitch.) The stuff that I've been hearing about Sotomayor has been so 'old white guy' that I have felt like I've stepped back to the '80's... freaks.

Distributorcap said...

somethings i think people like liddy are one giant hot flash........ and i have no idea what they feel like, but liddy is so out to lunch, he has to be living some sort of hot flash......

and that hot flash destroyed all brain cells

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Expanding on Zoe's comment, why haven't more people jumped on Rove's "I know lots of stupid people who went to Ivy League schools."
I've only seen a few people who have linked that observation to GWB.

Hey Karl-"C" students who make it to Yale on Daddy's connections may very well be stupid. People who come from housing projects in The Bronx to graduate Summa Cum Laude from Princeton, umm, not so much.

jadedj said...

Randyluvs, GREAT comment!

SJ said...

"flail, motherfuckers, flail" Indeed.

dguzman said...

It's like our country's gone back in time to the 1950s or something, or maybe that's just what these motherfuckers want to believe.

BTW, this weekend I saw a woman in a hot-pink baseball cap with "Palin 2012" on the front. I was afraid.

Grant Miller said...

The Coochie Guarders - a great name for my next fantasy football team.

Anonymous said...

Rush is thinking about endorsing Sotomayor, a Roman Catholic, because of secret information about her stand on Roe v Wade.

Won't it be nice to have Rush on our side for a change?