Wednesday, June 02, 2010

My bad



I have friends who will go see any dumbass vampire whatever that comes along. I have friends who went fucking apeshit over that ridiculous Harry Potter hoo-hah. I have friends who think nothing of forking over their hard-earned money to watch lame CGI car-monster things blow up other lame CGI things. I know people who just want to watch movies where cars are driven fast and that’s all. I know people who will go to see any comic book-inspired movie, no matter how lame, and will insist that these movies are really, really good, and even that the actors in them should win Academy Awards.


Everyone’s entitled to their own peculiar brand of Crap That They Happen To Like, and I’m no exception. But I take pride in at least knowing that the Crap That I Happen To Like is crap. I don’t try to pretend that it’s not crap. I know it’s crap, but it’s Crap That I Happen To Like, and so leave me alone and let me enjoy my crap and I promise I won’t bore you at some party or in your cubicle by waxing rhapsodic for twenty minutes about how some actor of middling talent has elevated the franchise.


So here’s the Crap That I Happen To Like: Sex and the City. Yup. It’s bona fide crap, but I like it. And, yeah, blah blah blah it was a pretty funny tv series but the movies suck blah blah blah. Believe me, I, unlike the people who think Watchmen wasn’t awful, harbor absolutely no illusions about the level of crapitude that I am endorsing every time I shell out to go see SATC on opening day, or pre-order the latest DVD on Amazon. The scripts are awful, the filmmaking is beyond hacky, the plots are just the worst, and the costumes are, well, they look like they were the product of some kind of dare. I don’t care. Well, of course I wish it were good, but it’s not good, and I’m still going to see it any way.


What I object to, is not any legitimate criticism of any of the above. I could read reviews that complain about the implausibility of the characters’ dialogue and wardrobes all day long and it would not bother me a bit. I would probably agree with them on all of their points, in fact. (Speaking of which - Michael Patrick King, if you are out there somewhere, please – I beg of you – please bring back the series writers for the next one.)


What I object to is the hate. My crap isn’t hurting anyone, and it’s certainly none crappier than most of the other crap out there, so why make it so personal?


Because when reviewers ridicule the aging faces and bodies of the women in the movie, and express disgust at the thought of them having sex, I have to take it personally, because I AM THE SAME AGE AS THEM. I am hanging out there myself, about halfway between Carrie and Samantha, so if the thought of their middle-aged lady parts is grossing you out, then fuck you. You’re a hater, and you’re not even an imaginative one, because it’s the easiest fucking thing in the world to make fun of women who are not as young as the women that you think are hot.


Older women have always been Hollywood’s reliable punching bags, and so it’s no surprise that critics are particularly hostile to movies where the joke is not on us. Normally, when we’re not being mocked for daring to still possess a sex drive, or for having the gall to believe ourselves to be still vital and sensuous, we’re being told to make ourselves invisible, because once the cooch dries up and the skin goes “leathery,” as one reviewer so tactfully put it, then what the fuck are we still hanging around for?


Holy fucking shit, y’all, why do you think so many women happen to like this crap, anyway? Because it means someone cares about us. Because someone still thinks we are worth the bother of making terrible, shallow, mindless crap for. Someone still thinks we are worthy of a hilariously relentless product placement assault. Someone still thinks that there’s a sliver of market that would rather look at a really expensive impractical shoe than a really expensive impractical piece of automobile nonsense. It’s because someone out there knows that for us, “Lawrence of my labia” is way funnier than some pimply young dork fucking an apple pie. I know, hard to believe. But then, you’re not a ridiculous gross old dried-up wrinkly-faced cougar like me.

16 comments:

Lisa said...

Never got into SATC, but I understand the appeal. Hell, I think nothing of spending into the triple digits for something that makes me smell good.

And there's very little that's hotter than Kim Cattrall. Bish is sexier now than she was in "Porky's."

Cathy said...

I hear you loud and clear and am unapologetic in my love of Sex and the City, however! I just read a review of SATC2 which made me wish they kept the girls on American soil. Here's an excerpt:

"The great mistake of “Sex and the City 2,’’ then, is to send its characters out of New York and into the United Arab Emirates for a weeklong, all-expenses-paid vacation at a swank Abu Dhabi hotel. Just so we’re clear on this: Four fun-loving American fashionistas descend upon a country where their lifestyle and clothing choices would get them whipped if they were citizens, where earlier this month a woman who reported being raped by six men was charged with illegal sex and faces life in prison. But what does that matter when you can ride a camel across the desert in your Christian Louboutins?"

If you've seen it and think otherwise, please let me know. Otherwise, this review has just sobered me up.

Cathy said...

Forgot to cite the source:

http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/articles/2010/05/27/sex_and_the_very_wrong_city/

GETkristiLOVE said...

I was criticized for going to see it by a gal I work with that I happen to know LOVED the movie Sweet Home Alabama.

I'm right there with you sister. To me, watching Charlotte and Miranda get each other drunk and confess their most inner mom thoughts was like eating forbidden fruit. I could do it all night long.

Grant Miller said...

Not sure if I'm allowed to comment here as I am a dude, but I had my first direct run-in with SATC last night - I never watched the show nor the movies and my wife asked we rent the first movie from NetFlix. It was fine, harmless. Admittedly, I read mostly while she watched the movie but I've watched far, far worse chick flicks. I've watched far, far worse action man films, too.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Zing! The ladies are lightin' up the comments!

Liberality said...

I haven't seen the movie and I've only seen snippets of the series, at other people's houses, and I have to say I LIKE that there are films out there for us older women. Ain't a damn thing wrong with it and those who don't like us older gals can go try to charm the pumps off some 20 something gal for all I care.

vikkitikkitavi said...

@Cathy: I don't disagree with the reviewer's point. It was definitely ill-advised to set the movie where it did without addressing women's rights in a better way than it did. No argument there. That being said, I still think the reviewer is weirdly hostile toward the characters, particularly Carrie.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Lisa: No argument, and p.s. I am loving Dior's Pondicherry. Hells yes, I went out and bought it.

kiki said...

i like the idea of 3 of the 4 SATC girls having sex. Especially 2 of them.

In terms of Crap That I Like; Vengaboys.

Spooney said...

I liked the series & thought the 1st movie wasn’t bad & I agree that the writers from the series should be brought back. All 4 of those ladies still look pretty damn hot if you ask me & so are you, my darling.

Pinky said...

We broke up after the last movie. Sayonara, auf wiedersehen, ta-ta ladies. Yes, I'm a fickle mistress. But you know what wins for me at the box office? A Paul Rudd movie. Loved Role Models, loved I Love You Man, and I'm excited for Dinner for Schmucks because it has my other 'must see' guy in it, Steve Carrell. And that's the way I roll since the break up. I think I'm a better person for it.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Spooney: You're adorable when you compliment me.

Mnmom said...

Along those lines BETTY WHITE is my new idol!! To get on SNL and talk about her muffin. Yes America, women over a certain age HAVE a muffin and can still use and enjoy them. And we're old enough that young male BS doesn't dazzle us.

I loves me some crap too: high doses of special effects are worth my money.

dguzman said...

You know, I don't even like fashion or dudes or shoes like the ladies in SATC, but I fucking LOVED the TV show and the first movie. To all you sexist bastards who don't want to see the reality that girls grow up to be women, fuck you. To Vik, queen of my bloggy hero world, YOU RULE.

jessica said...

Well, I am not a SATC fan, but I say, live and let live. As far as the actresses being "old" -- I gotta say that I have 15 years or more on them, and I do NOT feel old YET. And old broads DO have sex (in real life and in reel life). Loved Meryl Streep in "It's Complicated" -- smokin' mama, she is! And not a young chicklet, either. Critical guys must be those pathetic types who have a midlife crisis and try to retain some vestige of youth by dating younger babes.