OMG, everyone! The Republicans are totally into black people now!
First of all, the new head of the party said, and I am so not kidding, that their latest message is “off the hook,” yo. And that they plan to bring it, beeyotch, to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”
Wow. That is one hep cat.
And that’s not all! They have discovered another brown dude that they are pretty sure is gonna be huge. And not only is he dark-skinned, but he’s immigrant-y as well! Parents from a different country, and all that. But born in the
As the president made clear this evening, we are now in a time of challenge. Many of you listening tonight have lost jobs. Others have seen your college and retirement savings dwindle. Many of you are worried about losing your health care and your homes. And you are looking to your elected leaders in
What you’re not doing, is looking to the Republican elected leaders in
Republicans are ready to work with the new president to provide those solutions. Here in my state of
Warning: those “better ideas” will be the same ideas they tried to sell you in the last election.
Well, okay. But I’m pretty sure we just spent the last eight years listening to stories.
During Katrina, I visited Sheriff Harry Lee, a Democrat and a good friend of mine. When I walked into his makeshift office, I'd never seen him so angry. He was yelling into the phone: "Well, I'm the Sheriff and if you don't like it you can come and arrest me!" I asked him: "Sheriff, what's got you so mad?" He told me that he had put out a call for volunteers to come with their boats to rescue people who were trapped on their rooftops by the floodwaters. The boats were all lined up ready to go, when some bureaucrat showed up and told them they couldn't go out on the water unless they had proof of insurance and registration. I told him, "Sheriff, that's ridiculous." And before I knew it, he was yelling into the phone: "Congressman Jindal is here, and he says you can come and arrest him too!" Harry just told the boaters to ignore the bureaucrats and go start rescuing people.
There is a lesson in this experience: The strength of
Wait a minute. Ignoring Jindal’s self-aggrandizing portion, I’m pretty sure that the hero of this story is the sheriff, right? And wasn’t he acting in his official capacity as an agent of the government when he organized the rescue? So, I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this really a story about the compassion and wisdom of government agencies, and how the people within them ultimately have the power and the ability to overcome the nitpickers who are unable to effectively weigh the value of different courses of action? And let’s be honest; don’t those nitpickers plague not only government agencies, but also private enterprise and charitable institutions everywhere? I mean, when some idiot refuses to let you adopt a dog because your backyard fence is only 3 feet high instead of 4, does that mean that charitable institutions are the enemy? When the quality control person at your job rejects a document it took you 10 days to gather the signatures for because it was signed with fine point pens instead of medium point pens, does that mean big business is, as that idiot Reagan would say, “the problem”?
We are grateful for the support we have received from across the nation for the ongoing recovery efforts. This spirit got
What “spirit” is he referring to, exactly? If he means the spirit embodied by Sheriff Lee, then I take it that he means that those with big ideas can overcome the naysayers? If so, that seems like an implicit recommendation of the stimulus package to me. And somehow, I’m pretty sure that’s not what he meant.
To solve our current problems,
Yeah, Americans have a great “can do” attitude. I agree.
Except, you know what I can’t do? Regulate Wall Street. I have tried, and those fuckers just won’t listen to me. I told them that sating their desire for more investment opportunities by creating bad securities was not a good idea. And I also told them that those completely unregulated credit default swaps would weaken the market by creating a situation in which the failure of one large institution would necessarily bring about the failure of many all at once. They told me to fuck off. So, when I hear traders moaning about how unfair it is that they, as taxpayers, would have to pay for the funds that Americans who can’t pay their mortgages would receive under the stimulus…let’s just say that my reaction is not one that would likely make it onto the air on CNBC.
Instead of trusting us to make wise decisions with our own money, [the Democrats] passed the largest government spending bill in history, with a price tag of more than $1 trillion with interest.
Okay, so taking away the tricky question of “interest,” the stimulus bill that was passed totaled $787 billion. Yes, that’s a lot of money. But it’s too bad the Republicans only recently discovered their disdain for government spending, otherwise we might not have spent $638 billion in
While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $300 million to buy new cars for the government, $8 billion for high-speed rail projects, such as a "magnetic levitation" line from
The 300 mil for government cars are for green cars. The high-speed rail is similarly a green project. Remember that, readers, because you will be quizzed on it later on.
And as for the volcano monitoring, 1) you need a better joke writer, and 2), it’s kind of important to monitor volcanoes, and 3), the 140 mil is for a variety of scientific projects, of which volcano monitoring is one. Yes, I know it’s shocking that Governor Jindal would play fast and loose with the facts. Let’s move on.
Democratic leaders say their legislation will grow the economy. What it will do is grow the government, increase our taxes down the line, and saddle future generations with debt. Who among us would ask our children for a loan, so we could spend money we do not have, on things we do not need? That is precisely what the Democrats in Congress just did. It's irresponsible. And it's no way to strengthen our economy, create jobs, or build a prosperous future for our children.
Well, in times of need, sometimes you do have to borrow against the future. I don’t like it either, especially since it’s essentially Republican free market fucks like him who got us into this mess that I now have to pay for, but I believe that government spending is the way out of this mess, and I’m not the only one.
When we should not leverage our future, is when we are not in need. When were we not in need? Again, the war in
Yes, we need to pay it down. Yes, it’s wrong. But after sixty years, to try to lay the burden of our debt on to the stimulus bill is not just short-sighted, it is, if you ask me, a calculated strategy to delay our recovery.
To strengthen our economy, we need urgent action to keep energy prices down. All of us remember what it felt like to pay $4 at the pump and unless we act now, those prices will return. To stop that from happening, we need to increase conservation, increase energy efficiency, increase the use of alternative and renewable fuels, increase our use of nuclear power, and increase drilling for oil and gas here at home. We believe that Americans can do anything and if we unleash the innovative spirit of our citizens, we can achieve energy independence.
Remember, a couple of paragraphs ago, when Jindal was railing against the government investing in green cars, and a high-speed rail along one of the most emission-choked sections of highway in the
To strengthen our economy, we also need to address the crisis in health care. Republicans believe in a simple principle: No American should have to worry about losing their health coverage -- period. We stand for universal access to affordable health care coverage.
See, they don’t stand for you having it, they only stand for you having access to it, if you can afford it. Which you can’t. Unless your work pays, if you have a job. And if you can keep that job after you get sick. And if you can keep the insurance that costs too much after they find out that you got sick once. But other than that, it’s totally accessible.
What we oppose is universal government-run health care. Health care decisions should be made by doctors and patients, not by government bureaucrats.
Hey, we agree on something! I, too, believe that health care decisions should be made by doctors and patients. Currently, mine are being made by corporate bureaucrats.
To strengthen our economy, we must promote confidence in
Maybe because it’s not funny anymore.
Last year, we passed some of the strongest ethics laws in the nation and today,
Whoops. Spoke too soon.
We need to bring transparency to
Hm. So, the bill is corrupt and your fellow Republicans in the Congress didn’t read it? Wow, care to elaborate?
As we take these steps, we must remember for all our troubles at home, dangerous enemies still seek our destruction.
Oh. I guess not.
Now is no time to dismantle the defenses that have protected this country for hundreds of years, or make deep cuts in funding for our troops.
No one’s talking about dismantling any defenses, unfortunately. I appreciate that you are insinuating otherwise, however.
In all these areas, Republicans want to work with President Obama.
When they’re not calling him corrupt.
We appreciate his message of hope, but sometimes it seems we look for hope in different places. Democratic leaders in
Hear that, American people? Jindal believes that, inexplicably and against all evidence to the contrary, all you need is a tax cut like the ones BushCo gave you, and then you can fix the economy on your own, even though the economy is worse now than it was when you got those tax cuts that didn’t fix the economy then, even though it was not as bad as it is now. So…get to work, American people! Doing…something! Something fix-y!
You know, a few weeks ago, the president warned that our nation is facing a crisis that he said "we may not be able to reverse." Our troubles are real, to be sure. But don't let anyone tell you that we cannot recover. Don't let anyone tell you that
…by defeating the conservative Southern states in civil war
overcame the Great Depression…
…with a Democratic president and massive government spending
prevailed in two World Wars…
…while increasing our national debt
won the struggle for civil rights…
…led by two Democratic presidents opposed by conservative Southerners
defeated the Soviet menace…
…with, if the Republicans’ own rhetoric is to be believed, massive increases in government spending
and responded with determined courage to the attacks of September 11, 2001…
…no thanks to a Republican administration that was determined to ignore a real threat in favor of a make-believe one.
The American spirit has triumphed over almost every form of adversity known to man, and the American spirit will triumph again.
Readers, the point of these exercises for me is always to turn the speakers' own words against them. Some people make it easier than others.