And you thought Halloween was scary

Many, many thanks to Grant Miller for finding this gem, The Pumpkin Gospel, on the Christian Focus on the Family website. Go and read his post, which is hysterical, as always. But I really do feel compelled to throw in my two cents on this one as well.

Apparently, FOTF is very concerned that kids might get the idea that Halloween is about fun, instead of subservience to a Christian God (who really can’t be as much of a killjoy as these guys make him out to be, can he? Criminy).

So instead of simply having fun with your kids, drinking cider and helping them carve scary faces into a pumpkin, FOTF simply can’t resist squeezing every last bit of non-godliness out of the event, by advising parents “what to do about Halloween,” as if something more than making sure their kids don’t run into traffic in a candy-induced frenzy were required of them:

What you need:
pumpkin
newspapers
sharp knife
spoon
large
bowl
candle
matches
Bible

Don’t forget a large helping of self-righteousness!

What to do:
Prepare a place for your pumpkin carving. Set newspapers on a table and get out the knife, spoon and bowl. Cut an opening in the top of the pumpkin. Have your kids pull out all of the seeds and scrape out the inside of the pumpkin.

Some people might think the above directions are a little elementary for someone who is capable of accessing the internet and, oh, reading. Because who doesn’t know how to start carving a pumpkin, right? But sadly, many Christians do not know how. Many Christians have never carved a pumpkin, because their families believe that the rituals of Halloween are akin to Satan-worshiping. Many Christians have been threatened with eternal hellfire just for LOOKING at a Jack-o-lantern on the neighbor’s porch. So it’s important to start out slow. Because there are souls at stake here, people.

What to talk about:
1. How is the stuff we pulled out of the pumpkin like sin in our heart? (They’re both yucky; sin is inside us; it’s sticky and smelly.)
2. How is the way we cleaned out the pumpkin like the way Jesus cleans us out when we confess our sins? (All the yucky stuff is taken away; Jesus scoops out the sin.)

3. How is the way we take out the seeds and salt them and cook them in the oven like the way Satan will roast us on a spit over the Lake of Eternal Hellfire if we don’t dedicate our lives to Christ?

What to do:
Draw a happy face on the pumpkin, then use the sharp knife to carve it out. When you are finished, read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:17 and/or Ephesians 2:10.

And if those verses about us all being lumps of clay made to perform God’s will hasn’t sufficiently killed whatever joy your children might be experiencing, can I recommend that you remind them once again what happens to little children who do not dedicate their lives to Christ only? And remember, don’t be afraid to really delve into detail about the whole “roasting on a spit in hell” part.

What to talk about:
1. How have we made this pumpkin a “new creation”? (It has a face now; it used to be just a pumpkin, but now it’s a jack-o’-lantern.)
2. How do we become a new creation when Jesus comes into our hearts? (We learn to love Him more; we’re no longer filled with yucky stuff; we become God’s children.)

3. How having a jack-o-lantern with a “happy face” makes us the lamest house on the block and a sitting duck for egg- and T.P.-wielding tricksters.

What to share:
When Jesus comes into our hearts, we become new creations, just as our pumpkin became a new creation. Read Matthew 5:14-16. Then light a candle and place it in the pumpkin. Turn off the room lights so everyone can see the candlelight coming through the pumpkin’s face.

When Jesus isn’t in your heart, just as he isn’t in the hearts of all your little Jewish and Muslim and Hindu and Unitarian friends, then your pumpkin will rot and collapse, and your face will fall off, and your parents will put you in the garbage bin.

What to talk about:
How is the way the candlelight comes through the pumpkin like the way God wants our light to shine? (God wants others to see how much we love Him; God wants our light to be seen by others.)

How is the way we manipulate and carve this pumpkin like the way we crush your identity and demand total psychological obedience?

What to do:
Sing age-appropriate songs such as This Little Light of Mine (younger children) or Shine, Jesus, Shine (older children and teenagers.)

Jesus Christ on a crutch, mom and dad, we get it already! Now please, can we go put on our Harry Potter Roasting in Hell for Practicing the Black Arts costumes and go get some candy? Because we are going to need a hefty supply of sugar medication to make it through that Kids on Fire Christian boot camp you are sending us to next weekend.