Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Campaign commercials that should have been

I’m sure I’m not the only frustrated political junkie who writes campaign commercials in my head. Here’s a golden oldie I composed mentally for the 2004 Kerry campaign:

[Under: Comical music.]


The Bush campaign has tried again and again to smear John Kerry by saying that he’s from “Taxachusetts,” hoping voters will think that tax rates in Kerry’s home state are somehow his fault.

Bush needs a lesson in how government works.

John Kerry has served nineteen years in the U.S. Senate, not the Massachusetts state legislature, and so has no authority to write or sign laws determining the tax rates in Massachusetts.

[Under: Ominous music.]

Voiceover (cont.)

But you know who does have the authority to determine the tax rates? The governor of Massachusetts. Because he signs all the bills into law. And do you know who the governor of “Taxachusetts” is?

Mitt Romney. Republican.

Damn. I swear I don’t know why I don’t get paid to do that.

Yes, the Republicans – and the press, can you believe it? – are strangely silent on the subject of the tax rates in Massachusetts so far this campaign season. And I’m confused by that, because I was in Boston last year, and I had to rent a car, and holy smokes! I paid almost 400 bucks, even though the rental charge itself was only about half of that. The rest, as the townie gal with the elaborate fingernails and the oiled/crispy hair behind the counter explained, shrugging, could be attributed to “Taxachusetts.”

So why haven’t taxes in MA been a huge issue for the Republicans? As governor, Romney has cut the budget deficit largely by raising all sorts of fees and taxes, as well as by closing many tax loopholes. I think if a Democratic governor of MA were running, the opposition, and the press, would’ve brought that up a time or two.

Don’t you?


GETkristiLOVE said...

Renting a car in Boston is like paying for insurance on a rental in Mexico.

Splotchy said...

That's a great commercial!

Spooney said...

Yeah, I'm renting a car at Logan the week of Xmas. It's suppose to cost me $283.70. Let's see how much it really ends up costing. They really bend you over & ass-rape you during the holidays.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Do as they say, not as they do. Can your sister and I get a family discount if we hire you to do our ads?

vikkitikkitavi said...

GKL: That sounds like the setup to a great rental car industry-specific joke.

Splotchy: Alas, it might have been.

Spooney: Yeah? How's it feel, huh?

Dr.MVM: Um, this is awkward. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm endorsing you and my sister.

SkylersDad said...

You really have missed your calling!

vikkitikkitavi said...

SkyDad: If you only knew.

dad said...

Key-rist yes. Very good Vikki. I also have had many political ads running through my head also. I think I could have turned that swift boat thing around so fast and make Bush look like a draft dodger while Kerry was risking his life.

Think of the how you could use Par Roberson or Jerry Falwell, or Cheney as the Dark Lord and all the rest of the clowns. Golly, gee whiz, it seems so simple.

I think after the Republican nominee is chosen you keep attacking Bush for oh so many lies and illegal activities and how its important to return American to greatness in the eyes of the world instead of someone who defends Bush's policies. Just keep saying in so many ways that X supported Bush and it reflects on his judgment.

Distributorcap said...

oh mitt was such a GOOD governator ---- rudy the drag queen is having a field day with his judge appointments --

and of course mittens, the ken doll with no genatalia, is more liberal than Ted Kennedy

Grant Miller said...


Coaster Punchman said...

I've been working on a post about how the right wingers are so much better at framing than the left wingers, which is 99% of our problem. But all the big words scare me.

Red said...

CP has such a good point. I canvassed for the DNC in '04, and we talked a lot about reframing things, but that conversation never seems to take place at the top levels. And of course, the Republicans had Karl Rove until very recently. The Dems don't have a guy like this. I have a theory that he was hot when he was young (be patient) and he traded his good looks to Satan for more political acumen than just about anyone in the world. Now if only he had used his powers for good...

dguzman said...

I don't understand why the dems don't just look to the bloggers for everything they need to win. Every damned day, I see pure genius like your blog all over the internets, yet the dems are still saying the same stupid shit that's gotten us only two dem of the last six presidents. I honestly don't know if those dem idiots know how to think, you know? Maybe if they showed some stones and really blasted the repubs on their failed party ideals, people wouldn't see dems as fringe wimpy weirdos; they'd see them as ballsy people who know and speak the TRUTH. But hey, I'm. just. sayin'.

Bubs said...

Great ad! I'm still wondering how the Kerry campaign NEVER used the flight suit/mission accomplished footage in any of their campaign ads. But that's just me.

Speaking of framing, have you ever read "Don't Think Of An Elephant" by George Lakoff? Should be required reading. For our side.

Grant Miller said...

Dear Red,

What if someone finds Karl Rove hot now?

Just asking, for a friend of mine.

Grant Miller, Esq.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Dad: Yes, ignoring the Swift Boat thing until it was too late was mistake worthy of the 2000 Gore campaign. Curse you, Donna Brazille!

DC: Well, I LOVE "Mittens" as a name for Romney, but as for the other charges you've leveled...1. I don't think they let you be a Mormon if you can't procreate rigorously, which does usually require genitalia, and 2. I'm sorry baby, but I'm going to have to call a huge no way on the "more liberal than Ted Kennedy" charge. I mean, doesn't Romney want to put an image of Guantanamo on the American flag or something?

Grant: I love a man on the fence.

CP & Red: I think what you have to do is, turn the lack of a Karl Rove into an asset. Be the "no bullshit" party. I think that might play pretty damn well.

DGuz: Thanks, and ah, I couldn't agree more. See comment above.

Bubs: No, I haven't read it. I might have to though, dang it. And yeah, I can remember at some point in 2004 just screaming at the television "Take the fucking gloves off, already!"

Red said...

Grant, obviously your "friend" has got more issues than an average campaign.