Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Nostradamus, Schmostradamus


So some crackpot anti-choice group in Colorado has just been cleared to start collecting signatures for a ballot measure that would “define a fertilized egg as a person.”

First of all, let me just say that I used to be the kind of gal who would sign any petition, anywhere. What the hell, I used to think, let them have their day. The voters will sort it out.

No more. Voters are, for the most part, appallingly stupid and can no longer be trusted, I’ve decided, to act sensibly. Look, I’ve already got a female-film-crew-member-groping action star for a governor. Keep the crazy shit off the ballots in my new motto.

To that end, I have some questions for the proponents of this legislation, and for those Colorado residents who may find themselves tempted to sign the petitions to put this joke on the ballot:

  1. Are you crazy?
  2. Seriously. Are you fucking crazy?
  3. How’s Crazytown? Because that’s where you live, you fucking crazy asshole.

If Colorado does put this measure on the ballot, I have a couple of predictions for their future that I would like to share.

First of all, I predict an all-out war between the north-of-Denver liberal Boulderites and the south-of-Denver conservative Colorado Springers, and the entire city of Denver will become their battlefield. At first the Springers will appear to be winning due to their superior firepower, but then the Boulderites will threaten to cut off the Springers’ Croc supply lines, and the Springers will be forced to either surrender, or wear actual non-clown shoes when they go to the Wal-Mart.

Secondly, if the measure gets on the ballot and passes, then of course abortion and stem cell research will be deemed illegal. Also, most female-controlled methods of contraception will be denounced as murder, since their effectiveness relies on preventing fertilized eggs from implanting in the uterus, and instead expelling those eggs into, I don’t know, probably the toilet. Women convicted of using those kinds of contraceptives will be forced to register with the state, notify their neighbors of their presence in the neighborhood, and wear t-shirts identifying them as “baby toilet-drowning whores.”

Also, many fertility clinics will be forced to close or move out of state, due to the considerable legal ramifications of performing in-vitro fertilization. One prominent fertility specialist will proclaim the state of Colorado a “fucking medical minefield.”

Women will be required to apply for a pre-birth certificate for every pregnancy, and if a child is not presented to the authorities within the proper time frame for birth, a criminal murder investigation will be mandated. No longer will a woman’s word be sufficient to account for a so-called “miscarriage.” Investigators will be authorized to inquire about the eating, drinking, smoking, driving, running, flying, skiing, biking, skating, sunbathing, fucking and praying habits of all expectant mothers.

Lastly, I predict the bankrupting of the state of Colorado, due to the billions of dollars owed in settlements to 20-year-olds convicted of underage drinking who contended that, counting from their fertilization date, they were actually 21.

8 comments:

Chris said...

If a fertilized egg is indeed a person, shouldn't the mother have the option to deliver the "baby" immediately after fertilization? Suppose she's really anxious to play with her little bundle of joy. If that "person" can't survive outside the mother's womb, then wouldn't it just be a case of he or she dying of natural causes?

SkylersDad said...

Brought to you by the same fine folks who organized "Focus on the Family".

Makes me so fucking proud to have them south of us...

dguzman said...

I'm waiting for these freaks to outlaw drinking or smoking or eating unhealthy food while pregnant.

People in CO really are fucking nuts, aren't they? Is there just something in the water?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Holy crap, this post has it all. And as usual you are correct in your assessment of the situation. I hope that your sister makes it out alove after the crazy people strike.

GETkristiLOVE said...

So are they calling Identical Twins half a person each?

Does this mean people using birth control that have twins run in their family, serial killers?

Yeah, I'll write in #3 on the ballot. That one appeals to me most.

kirby said...

Another fine post.

Grant Miller said...

I can't remember if this question was ever asked at a political debate or not, but it should:

"Would you have supported Osama Bin Laden's mother having an abortion?"

vikkitikkitavi said...

Chris: Interesting question. In other words, does a host have the right to expel a parasite?

SkyDad: Yeah, can y'all do something about that already? You gots to keep those southern-going Republicans in their place or before you know it they're all the "O.C." this and the "O.C." that. These days, you can't swing a dead starlet in LA without hitting some slumming Republican rich bitch from Orange County with her own reality show.

DGuzman: Hey, ixnay on the Oloradocay insults. My sister lives there, ya know. And I have to tell you that a friend of mine told me that once when she was pregnant, she had a drink slapped out of her hand by some bitch in a restaurant. I wish I'd been there, 'cause that bitch would have seen some motherfucking slapping.

Dr.MVM: Who said anything about leaving? I have no doubt that, if the conservatives try to take over CO, that my sister is fully prepared to get all Road Warrior on their asses.

GKL: #3 was written especially for you, sis.

Kirby: Thanks! Shoot anything recently?

Grant: If it hasn't been asked, it's only because that is too finely nuanced a question for our current level of discourse.