Monday, February 11, 2008

The 50th Grammy Awards: Come back Hoobastank, all is forgiven!

If an award show falls in the forest, but there are no awards being given out, does it make a sound? And if it does make a sound, does that sound resemble the sound of a Chevy Malibu commercial?

I’m not kidding, folks. They gave out exactly 9 Grammys last night. That’s one award every 23 minutes. That’s only a little bit more than the number of Grammy Lifetime Achievement Awards given out, of which there were seven, which is one every 30 minutes. I believe that at some point this Grammy Award versus Lifetime Achievement Award matrix will become unstable and collapse, as everyone who has ever won a Grammy will also have simultaneously won a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award.

These Lifetime Achievement Awards did not come with a video or audio retrospective either, it was all “hey, we’re giving so-and-so a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award, here’s a picture of the dude, now let’s move on to Cher introducing Beyonce honoring Tina Turner.”

Beyonce, never one of my favorite people, did an interpretive dance that purported to honor the ballsy black women of music history, although because it was Beyonce, it came across more as a post-mortem on every bitch who deserves a Grammy less than she does.

Okay, I know I am hard on Beyonce. And I have decided to be nicer to her now that her thighs are larger than mine. Although I will admit that when she was twirling her head with Tina Turner during “Proud Mary,” I did say a teeny little prayer that it would be her wig that flew off first.

And how awesome was it that, just seconds after Prince gave out some award (the title of which I couldn’t hear because Prince is still doing the whole “I’m too special to speak at a volume that humans can hear”) to the endlessly boring Alicia Keyes, that the Grammys decided that it was time for everyone to get nostalgic for Morris Day and the Time, and brought them out to do “Jungle Love”?


I thought for sure that Prince would reappear on stage with Wendy and Lisa in tow, and they would re-stage the “Purple Rain” battle of the bands. By the way, am I the only one that rooted for Morris Day in that movie? Prince just always seemed like an asshole to me. A teeny, tiny little purple asshole.

Jason Bateman, the “host” of the Grammys, showed up for the first time at 8:35, and only then because they needed someone to shill for their lame-ass “My Grammy Moment” promotional stunt. Viewers had to vote for which orchestra musician would play with the Foo Fighters later in the show. Shockingly, the hot Asian chick won over the non-hot female cellist and the incredibly dorky violinist with the white boy 'fro. And I say “shockingly,” because the Grammys are about musical talent, friends, not crass commercial appeal.

Speaking of which, thank you Grammys, for letting me know how much Mary J. Blige loves her some Chevy Malibu!

Of course, there was Kanye, who gave other hip-hop artists some advice on how to win Grammys: don’t release your album the same year he does. Bang!

Ah, ya gotta love Kanye. This year it was all about his mama, who died several months ago after botched plastic surgery. Kanye had the word “mama” shaved into the back of his head. He succeeded in getting the director of the telecast to stop playing music under his acceptance speech for Best Rap Album by advising him that, seeing as how he was honoring his mother, it was in bad taste. Even I squirmed. Kanye even sang an only partially-cheesy song about his mom during his 5 minute slot, although he sang his hit song “Stronger” first, of course. Got to make sure they hear the hit first. Mama woulda wanted it that way.

Oh, and did anyone else notice that Kanye, besides cutting out the numerous swear words and the word “dyke” from the song “Stronger,” also self-censored the following line:

You know how long I've been on ya?
Since Prince was on Apollonia
Since OJ had Isotoners
Don’t act like I never told ya.

Network dudes, WTF? That’s a funny fucking line. Don’t be cutting out the funny lines from my Kanye, people. I’m not listening to Kanye because I can’t live without Steely Dan samples.

Some random observations:

This year the Grammys seemed to be heavy on the mash-ups of the standard rock song and the new, Grammy-approved pop song.So when Carrie Underwood came out in her huge teased blond hair that made her look, inadvertently, I’m pretty sure, like a 50-year-old Dallas divorcee, and sang her latest hit “Before He Cheats” as dancers wielded big sticks and danced some vaguely martial-artsy moves, I had half-convinced myself that Carl Douglas might suddenly appear and favor us with a little “Kung Fu Fighting.” Alas, it was not to be.

Ringo Starr should win an award for most gracefully aging pop star. He’s not bloated, he hasn’t had an embarrassing face lift, and his hair color does not look like one of those available from Kiwi brand shoe polish.

Speaking of embarrassing face lifts, Andy Williams’s cheek bones look like they could cut diamonds.

When Ringo handed Vince Gill his Country Music Album of the Year award, Vince turned to the mic and said “I just got an award handed to me by a Beatle!” Then he thought for a moment and said “Have you had that happen yet, Kanye?” Bang! Bang!

Brad Paisley has a paisley guitar. I hate that.

That strap holding up Aretha Franklin’s dress didn’t look nearly sufficient.

(Never has so little done so much.)

The “I should’ve stopped partying long enough to attend at least one rehearsal” moment of the evening goes to Kid Rock for his completely incomprehensible duet of “That Old Black Magic” with Keeley Smith.

When is Stevie Wonder going to hire someone honest enough to tell him that he looks ridiculous?

Oh, Amy Winehouse. I’m not sure I’m buying the whole “I’m absolutely dumbstruck by each and every award, bit of praise, or applause.” Do y’all think she’s for real? I love her to death for her talent, but I just get the sense from her that I’m being played a bit, you know? Like she’s all cute and wide-eyed and vunerable, and I just want to put my arms around her and take care of her, but then as soon as I leave the room I feel like she’d be going through my purse looking for cash and hard candy.

This was supposed to be the year of the new, re-tooled Grammys, the Grammys that “get it.” Unfortunately, to “get it,” you have to know what “it” is. And the Grammys most definitely do not know what “it” is. For example, here is what they thought “it” was last night in the category of Best Pop Performance – Duo or Group:

Bon Jovi


Maroon 5


Maroon 5 won. Not that it matters exactly how you arrive at the degree of not "it” that it takes to make it to that list of nominees: whether it's that you’ve hung around too long, or that you’re tainted with American Idol-stank, or that your music is just simply awful. It matters not. You’re not "it,” and you’re getting a Grammy!

For those of you who crave old, outdated dish, read last year’s Grammy review.


Anonymous said...

"Tiny purple asshole." Preach it, sister.

Oh, and I'd gladly give up my money and hard candy if Amy Winehouse could make another album like the first one.

Larry Jones said...

They didn't give out many statues on the teevee, but I'll bet a few hundred people won awards this year. It's unbelievable how many categories there are. I won one in '79 for "Best Tape Edit (2-inch) Using a 3M Editing Block and Single-Edge Blade." Fucking good cut, too.

I would like to be "hard on Beyonce," heh, heh. Hey, give her credit for having curves, and flaunting them, or do you prefer the Calista Flockhart look?

The three fiddlers got a total of nine seconds to strut their stuff, and people were supposed to vote on... what, exactly? I thought the cellist had the best technique, but you're right, something drew me to the "Asian" girl. An asian girl named Ann-Marie. Ann-Marie Calhoun. WTF?

Kanye was the asshole of the night as far as I was concerned. I know it's just trash talk, but he wasn't funny or even clever with it, so it just came off as stoopid trash talk. He wouldn't be allowed on the playgrounds around here if that's the best he can do.

Carrie Underwood was obviously doing a Barbarella tribute.

Brad Paisley can actually play guitar. Cool.

Kid Rock is awful in every way. He doesn't deserve to be on the same stage with Keely Smith, unless he's bringing the sandwiches.

Amy Winehouse. She exposed her real self to the world with that album. She was too young (23!) to know not to do that, and now everybody thinks they know her intimately, and we all want a piece of her, and it's just too much. It's like Britney Spears, except Britney just exposed her body to us (it was all she had), and now everybody wants a piece of that, and it's just too much. I hope Brit gets custody and a double-wide, and I hope Amy pulls it together and sings for a long, long time.

Larry Jones said...

I just reread that. Sorry for going on and on, on your blog.

SJ said...

Carnac! I'm still reeling from the awesome Carnac reference below. Most wonderful. And eh, screw the Grammys. The songs are always 2 years old and U2 will ALWAYS be nominated because they are the 'classic' group to todays yoot.

Chris said...

I commend you for actually having the fortitude to sit through this. As you know, I watch some of the crappiest TV ever made, and even I won't sit through the Grammys.

Splotchy said...

I have the sinking suspicion that this post is about 1000 times more entertaining than the awards show. I don't know how you did it, but you did it.

Thanks for the recap.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Kirby: Yes, I am content to admire her from afar, although I don't want to get too attached, as I am sure she's one of the celebrities for which most major news outlets have pre-written obits on file.

LJ: If it were any other woman with 42" thighs squeezed into mylar hot pants on national tv, oh hell yes I would support her. But it's Beyonce, and I hate Beyonce, so I am therefore thinking catty thoughts about how she should give some of her thighs to Amy Winehouse.

SJ: Right? It's just so predictable that as soon as a group is washed up, they start raking in the Grammys.

Chris: Think nothing of it. This is just one of the many services that Bells On provides.

Splotchy: 1000 times more entertaining than the Grammys?? That's a pretty low bar, baby.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Ice Cream Castles is still my all-time favorite funk CD. Morris Day out-shone Prince so badly in Purple Rain, I'd thought his ego would have had The Time edited from the movie.

Thanks for the always dead-on, high quality snark.

dguzman said...

Oh man, I totally agree with you on the Morris Day rocked da hizzouse and Prince was just a spoiled "tiny purple asshole." I was sooooo happy when Wendy and Lisa went off and did their own album. (which rawked, by the way, so. effing. hard.)

I'm glad I don't have TV and can instead read great recaps and reviews like this. It's so much more entertaining and guilt-free.

SkylersDad said...

WTF was up with that Beatles sequence?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

This is the second Gammy wrap up I've read and it makes me ever so glad that I watched the BAFTA's instead.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Seriously, have they given Aretha her own Zip Code yet?

vikkitikkitavi said...

Randy & DGuz: Okay, where were y'all in the 80s when I needed backup on my whole MD&TT thesis? Back then, everyone said I was cuh-razy.

SkyDad: Don't ask me, I can't even talk about Cirque du Soleil. I hate hate hate hate hate them. I absolutely hate them. I hate even the idea of them. I hate how sometimes I'm minding my own business, not thinking about Cirque du Soleil, and then all of a sudden it will occur to me that somewhere in the world, right at that moment, Cirque du Soleil was probably performing, and it just ruins it for me. Fucking froggy circus fucks.

Hate them.

And I even went to see "Across the Universe" with Spooney because he is such a huge Beatles fan. It SUCKED!!! Never again, Julie Taymor!! Never fucking again!!

Dr.MVM: You watched the BAFTAs?? Dude...sorry...Monkey, where the hell is the sport in that?

Lisa said...

My favorite description of Prince comes from John Waters, who described him as "a midget dipped in oil and rolled in pubic hair."

I love the Winehouse. I wanted her to fish around in her hive, pull out a 7-layer burrito, and eat it onstage. How awesome would that have been?

Madam Z said...

Vikkitikkiwhatever, I couldn't care less about the Grammys or the show or the music (sic), but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR BLOG! You are the best writer of any of the bloggers I have read.

Grant Miller said...

Are you the first person that's ever asked for Hoobastank to come back?