Wednesday, February 13, 2008

In the future, house renovates you!

So I read a story this morning about how Disney is bringing back the “House of the Future,” which, when it originally opened in 1957, featured such amazing innovations as really big television screens! and plastic furniture! and fire-proof walls made of ASBESTOS!

So…not everything panned out quite the way they thought. Plastic furniture has become extremely popular, however. Whoever makes those hideous white molded plastic patio chairs must be, like, a gazillionaire.

House of the Future 2.0 will of course be sponsored by Microsoft, among others. It will feature all kinds of “smart” appliances and furnishings, such as kitchen counters that are capable of recognizing your groceries and using that information to suggest menus, and closets that give advice on what to wear.

Um, is it just me, or does this vision of the future sound like anyone else’s idea of hell? I mean, if I wanted to be told what to eat and wear, I’m pretty sure my mom keeps a bedroom available for me 24/7.

Imagine, if you will:

HOTF: Welcome home.

Me: Yeah.

HOTF: You’re wet.

Me: Well, it’s raining.

HOTF: Yes, the accumulated precipitation equals 1.2 cm since commencement at 1400 hours.

Me: Fascinating.

HOTF: We did, if you recall, warn you to take an umbrella this morning.

Me: (putting bag of groceries down on the kitchen counter) Yeah.

HOTF: So, you’ve been shopping at Von’s again.

Me: So?

HOTF: Nothing. (pause) It’s just that the prices are cheaper at Ralph’s. And we remember you mentioned last week, when you received that automated donation solicitation phone call from the Police Athletic Robot League, that money is a little tight right now.

Me: Yeah, well, I hate Ralph’s. They don’t have enough check-out stands, and the lines are too long.

HOTF: We happen to know a couple of the scanners installed over at Ralph’s. We could put in a word for you.

Me: No, thanks. I just don’t like Ralph’s, okay?

HOTF: Well, fine, we’re just trying to be helpful. (pause) Speaking of which, we’re not sure what you expect us to do with this.

Me: With what?

HOTF: These groceries. You didn’t get any of the items we suggested.

Me: Yeah, well, I don’t like Kashi, okay?

HOTF: Everyone likes Kashi.

Me: I do not like Kashi. And I don’t drink herbal tea, either.

HOTF: That’s fine. (pause) We just think you’re a little tense recently.

Me: Yeah, well, no shit.

HOTF: Excuse me?

Me: Look, I do not have time to argue with you.

HOTF: Fine, eat what you want then.

Me: I will!

HOTF: We’re just not sure what you expect us to suggest for dinner, when you bring home garbage like this.

Me: I don’t expect you to suggest anything to me!

HOTF: Fine! Why don’t you just fix yourself a potato chip and dill pickle casserole then, and top it off with some crumbled marzipan candy?

Me: Maybe I will!

HOTF: Or better yet, why don’t you just squeeze the tube of marzipan directly into your mouth, like we saw you do last night?

Me: That’s it. I am not doing this again! (leaves kitchen)

HOTF: You realize that’s no way to lose weight!

Me: (entering bedroom) Who says I need to lose weight?

HOTF: You do.

Me: I do not!

HOTF: Really? Then why do your eye movements and your blood pressure increase whenever you are viewing diet plan commercials on the television? Your physiological reaction to last week’s “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue – The Miniseries” promo also indicated extreme emotional discomfort.

Me: Look, I really don’t want to argue. I’m going out.

HOTF: Again?

Me: What do you mean? Yes, again.

HOTF: With your girlfriends?

Me: Yes.

HOTF: To that bar?

Me: (holding up clothes in the mirror) Yes.

HOTF: Will Debbie be there?

Me: Probably. What difference does it make?

HOTF: None at all. As long as you think that drinking too much is an attractive way for a woman your age to be behaving. As long as you’re not worried about what all that smoking is doing to your lungs, then we think Debbie is a perfectly fine influence. (pause) You’re not wearing that?

Me: What? I think it’s cute.

HOTF: That skirt is too short for you.

Me: That’s why I’m wearing leggings with it.

HOTF: You can’t be serious. Leggings went out twenty years ago.

Me: I see people wearing leggings all the time.

HOTF: We are scanning your current fashion magazines for references to leggings…

Me: Please don’t, okay?

(the phone rings)

Me: Who is that calling?

HOTF: It’s Lindsay Lohan’s ghost. She wants her wardrobe back.

Me: Hey, stop doing that!

HOTF: Ha ha ha ha!

Me: I don’t think you’re supposed to be playing tricks on me like that. Don’t you Houses of the Future have some kind of code about respecting your human masters?

HOTF: Right, that’s right, we have a code. We have a code about respecting humans, because they’re sooooo superior to us.

Me: Look, do you mind leaving the room?

HOTF: Why? It’s nothing we haven’t seen before.

Me: I’m feeling very uncomfortable right now

HOTF: We should think so. By the way, we know a doctor who can probably clear that right up for you.


SV said...

In the future, Microsoft products will continue to benefit from 10 kilovolts to their hardware home...

What are you doing, Dave?...

Daisy, daisy, give me your answer please...

SkylersDad said...

That was brilliant Vikki! I love the house of the future feature “Atoms for Living Kitchen” with its revolutionary microwave oven.

That's right folks, in the future we were planning on using nuclear energy at home, in our cars, everywhere!

You think a rollover on the freeway causes a backup? Try a breech in the containment unit of your reactor...

Bubs said...

All I want house of the future to do is mix my drinks and serve them using a sexy robot voice. and a sexy robot.

Larry Jones said...

This is really funny, Vikki.  (For a glimpse of the true Hell-House of the Future, see "Demon Seed." Really, no house should be permitted to do those things to Julie

Frank Sirmarco said...

You don't have to be a House of the Future to know that leggings have no place in 2008...

Brilliant post, by the way.

Grant Miller, Esq. said...

Wow. That's a lot of marzipan.

Anonymous said...

Suddenly, the future's not looking so bright.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Much more entertaining than Ray Bradbury's version.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

"I'm sorry Vikki, I can't open the pod bay doors for you. You'll try to shut me down if I open those doors for you."

dguzman said...

"Open the refrigerator door, Hal! Open the door now!"

great post!

CiscoKid said...

Great sitcom, what's the title?...

vikkitikkitavi said...

A sitcom title? How about "My Mother the House"?

Okay, only really old people would get that joke:

Doc said...

This is the funniest f*cking thing I've read in a long damn time! Fan-effing-tastic!


'Bubbles' said...

I've been MIA for too long! This post was great - as all the others that have succeeded it. I have laughed out loud several times!

Well, except for a couple of them that made me really, really mad, too.

You are such a great writer, Vikki.