Get Well Soon

It’s getting dangerous to be a liberal in America. Cripes, they’re even gunning for Unitarians. What’s more harmless than a Unitarian, I wonder? Sure, one could examine their sect for oppressive homophobic woman-hating paranoid dogma and find them wanting, no doubt, but what’s the worst a Unitarian could do to you, bore you over coffee in the church basement following the service?

I shouldn’t joke, I suppose, because two people are dead and more are wounded, but I hope that guy, a self-confessed conservative who opened up on a group of Unitarians as they gathered to watch a group of children perform “Annie,” gets charged with terrorism rather than murder. If a killing spree is motivated by a political agenda, doesn’t it seem like that should be the charge?

The shooter was apparently despondent over being unemployed. Also, he had recently received notice that his food stamps were being cut back.

Hold on. An unemployed man on food stamps?

What’s the matter, Mr. Shooter, couldn’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps?

See, that’s the extent to which liberals are being demonized in this country. We are being blamed for unemployment, and social program cutbacks, which are, as everyone knows, key features of the Republicans’ agenda for America.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should reveal that I was myself baptized Unitarian, or whatever you call baptism when it’s performed by the Unitarian church. But even the Unis failed to make anything stick to me, and I ended up just a lonesome ole atheist, doomed to spend eternity in solitary limbo, with only that chick from “The Rapture” for company, what’s her name? Mimi Rogers? Yeah, that’s her, although…wait, wasn’t she the Scientologist who converted husband Tom Cruise?

Fucking great fun that’ll be. In fact, that Unitarian basement is starting to sound pretty good to me right now.

Oh, but I kid the Unitarians. The truth is, their church is pretty cool. Thomas Jefferson was one. So were Franklin, Thomas Paine, Paul Revere, Daniel Webster, John & Abigail Adams, and that furniture guy, Ethan Allen. Our founding fathers were lousy with Unitarians, in fact. Part of the appeal to those brainy, independent types was that Unitarians believe that while the Bible was inspired by God, it was written and edited by humans, and so therefore fallible and open to interpretation. They also believe that humans must exercise free will, and that no religion has a monopoly on theological truth.

I know, it’s a wonder they’ve made it this far.

Also damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t this week is Barack Obama, who cancelled an appearance visiting wounded servicemen in Germany because the Pentagon, an absolutely politics-free institution, by the way, asked him to. Their reasoning was that they didn’t want the soldiers used as political pawns.

Wait a minute. They are familiar with Iraq, right?

So Obama acquiesced, only to find himself being criticized by McCampaign for choosing not to visit the troops. As if Obama, or any politician, would pass up the opportunity willingly. And then Pentagon spokespeople, never known for their backbone under fire, released a statement saying that while they told him not to visit the troops, it was because Obama didn’t say “Mother may I?”, or something, and if he had, they totally would’ve let him.

Speaking of McCampaign, rumors are flying about a Romney VP slot. To which I say, “oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please.” Seriously, please. Please put Romney on the ticket. Please. Because then it’s just two rich white dudes and we can finally put to rest all the news stories about the Hillary-didn’t-get-the-nomination whiners and how, if he picks a woman to run with, they’re going to vote for the old guy who wants to overturn Roe v. Wade out of, you know, spite. But not just any kind of spite. Feminist spite. And as we all know, that’s the best kind of spite.

But what the hell do I know? I was hoping that W would win over McCain in 2000, because I thought NO WAY would people not see through that asshole’s cowboy act, and then Gore would win. Turns out I figured wrong. So you can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

BTW, Hillary-didn’t-get-the-nomination whiners, my nominee didn’t get picked either, okay? In fact, my nominee is such a has-been, no one cares that he not only cheated on his wife while she has CANCER, but that he might be a baby daddy as well. Although I will say in his defense that if Edwards was really running from a pack of tabloid reporters in the middle of the night at the Beverly Hills Hilton, don’t you think that someone would’ve GOTTEN A PICTURE?

But who knows, stranger things have happened. And no doubt will.