Overreachin'

So I was sitting on the couch yesterday, thinking that if the recent decision by Israel to trade two dead bodies to Lebanon in exchange for 12 dead jihadists, 5 pretty dangerous live incarcerated dudes, and some players to be named later, doesn’t forever lay to rest the stereotype of Jews as shrewd dealmakers, then nothing will. Spooney was sitting beside me, engaged in the rebuilding of some SS Camero engine on TLC’s Overhaulin’. Yeah, Spooney’s got the car gene. Me, I have a rule about watching television shows whose titles end in apostrophes.

Oh, don’t get me started on the whole punctuation thing. Readers, you don’t know how many times I’ve contemplated posting a rant just about people who don’t understand the difference between the plural and the singular possessive. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this country’s propensity for squeezing apostrophes into any available public space. Witness this picture I took at my local pet store:

Please do not touch the puppy’s WHAT? It’s too disturbing to even think about. I mean, are they warning off potential puppy molesters with this sign? Ew. And jinkies, even the puppy seems depressed at his chances of making it out of that bullshit enclosure and into the home of some normal, none-puppy-molesting family. Christ.

But, seriously, Israel, WTF? I know you have some strong religious/political-face-saving traditions regarding the recovery of the bodies of your soldiers, but you traded to Lebanon some asshole serving a life sentence for offing, among others, a 4-year-old girl. With a rock. He beat a four-year-old to death with a rock, apparently merely because she had the audacity to be, you know, Jewish, and you let that guy return to Lebanon to some kind of fucking hero’s welcome, and by the way Lebanon, WHAT THE FUCK on that, but it just goes to show you that religion, and the defense of religion, will make you do some fucking crazy-ass shit.

Witness the pending ballot initiative in Colorado, the not-self-righteously-at-all-named Human Life Amendment, which, if passed, will of course be challenged as unconstitutional by normal, non-hatefully-narrow-minded people, and will create a court battle that might be taken to the SCOTUS, and might then be used as the basis for overturning Roe v. Wade. No doubt this is the objective of the anti-choice group that is pushing this crap presidential campaign year let's-get-out-the-idiot-vote albatross, which attempts to make law the concept that life begins as soon as you agree with them.

Along the way, the law, if passed, would make the following types of birth control illegal in CO, because it might terminate the existence of a fertilized egg:

1. morning-after pill
2. IUD

This is the list I have seen every article on the initiative use. What they do not list, are normal birth control pills. But the morning-after pill, besides being really appallingly monikered, and is by the way commonly given to women who are seeking treatment in emergency rooms after being raped – wait – did I forget to say except in Catholic hospitals, where women can apparently go fuck themselves, because when it comes to a choice between religious dogma, and a woman forced to carry a rapist’s baby, we all know whose side the Catholics are coming down on – eh? The moral side, of course. The deeply, deeply moral side of forcing women to carry the babies of their rapists. Hallelujah.

Okay, so I never finished my sentence above, which was meant to point out that the morning-after pill is merely a super dose of normal birth control pills, so it seems unlikely that one would become illegal and not the other. So why are regular birth control pills, taken by hundreds of thousands of women in Colorado, not being discussed in these articles as being in danger of becoming illegal under this initiative? I DON’T KNOW. I AM NOT A CONSPIRACY THEORIST.

And what other fun times could be had by the women of Colorado if this piece of shit legislation gets the thumbs up by the geniuses of the Centennial State? (Sorry Sis and SV, but y’all did elect Senator Wayne Allard – twice!) Well, of course in-vitro fertilization will become a thing of the past, since fertilizing eggs that are not then implanted in a uterus will be tantamount to murder. Also, not only could pregnant women be prosecuted for drinking or smoking (aka having fun like a normal human being) while pregnant, they could also be prosecuted later if it turned out they engaged in the fetus-unfriendly behavior while pregnant, but before they were aware they were pregnant.

C’mon folks, ignorance of the zygote is no defense.

So, if you’re getting the idea that this bill is one hot mess of Very Bad Things, you’d be right. Which makes me wonder, what exactly is the process of getting initiatives on the ballot in Colorado, anyway? Do they have to gather a certain number of signatures, or does it just have to be spelled correctly, or do they just do what California does and throw anything on there that their governor can pronounce?

If the worst comes to pass, don’t expect any help from President McCain, who apparently thinks birth control is too icky to even talk about, let alone recognize as a fundamental healthcare right that should not be subject to the repressive tactics of the cooch a-fearin’ douchehats of the Jesus and Mary chain.

And before you go calling me a hater, please explain to me where all the pro-choice Catholic organizations are? Oh, that’s right, there aren’t any. Because if they were to use the words “Catholic” and “pro-choice” in the same breath, they’d be excommunicated.

Don’t believe me? Ask John Kerry.