Friday, July 18, 2008


So I was sitting on the couch yesterday, thinking that if the recent decision by Israel to trade two dead bodies to Lebanon in exchange for 12 dead jihadists, 5 pretty dangerous live incarcerated dudes, and some players to be named later, doesn’t forever lay to rest the stereotype of Jews as shrewd dealmakers, then nothing will. Spooney was sitting beside me, engaged in the rebuilding of some SS Camero engine on TLC’s Overhaulin’. Yeah, Spooney’s got the car gene. Me, I have a rule about watching television shows whose titles end in apostrophes.

Oh, don’t get me started on the whole punctuation thing. Readers, you don’t know how many times I’ve contemplated posting a rant just about people who don’t understand the difference between the plural and the singular possessive. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this country’s propensity for squeezing apostrophes into any available public space. Witness this picture I took at my local pet store:

Please do not touch the puppy’s WHAT? It’s too disturbing to even think about. I mean, are they warning off potential puppy molesters with this sign? Ew. And jinkies, even the puppy seems depressed at his chances of making it out of that bullshit enclosure and into the home of some normal, none-puppy-molesting family. Christ.

But, seriously, Israel, WTF? I know you have some strong religious/political-face-saving traditions regarding the recovery of the bodies of your soldiers, but you traded to Lebanon some asshole serving a life sentence for offing, among others, a 4-year-old girl. With a rock. He beat a four-year-old to death with a rock, apparently merely because she had the audacity to be, you know, Jewish, and you let that guy return to Lebanon to some kind of fucking hero’s welcome, and by the way Lebanon, WHAT THE FUCK on that, but it just goes to show you that religion, and the defense of religion, will make you do some fucking crazy-ass shit.

Witness the pending ballot initiative in Colorado, the not-self-righteously-at-all-named Human Life Amendment, which, if passed, will of course be challenged as unconstitutional by normal, non-hatefully-narrow-minded people, and will create a court battle that might be taken to the SCOTUS, and might then be used as the basis for overturning Roe v. Wade. No doubt this is the objective of the anti-choice group that is pushing this crap presidential campaign year let's-get-out-the-idiot-vote albatross, which attempts to make law the concept that life begins as soon as you agree with them.

Along the way, the law, if passed, would make the following types of birth control illegal in CO, because it might terminate the existence of a fertilized egg:

  1. morning-after pill
  2. IUD

This is the list I have seen every article on the initiative use. What they do not list, are normal birth control pills. But the morning-after pill, besides being really appallingly monikered, and is by the way commonly given to women who are seeking treatment in emergency rooms after being raped – wait – did I forget to say except in Catholic hospitals, where women can apparently go fuck themselves, because when it comes to a choice between religious dogma, and a woman forced to carry a rapist’s baby, we all know whose side the Catholics are coming down on – eh? The moral side, of course. The deeply, deeply moral side of forcing women to carry the babies of their rapists. Hallelujah.

Okay, so I never finished my sentence above, which was meant to point out that the morning-after pill is merely a super dose of normal birth control pills, so it seems unlikely that one would become illegal and not the other. So why are regular birth control pills, taken by hundreds of thousands of women in Colorado, not being discussed in these articles as being in danger of becoming illegal under this initiative? I DON’T KNOW. I AM NOT A CONSPIRACY THEORIST.

And what other fun times could be had by the women of Colorado if this piece of shit legislation gets the thumbs up by the geniuses of the Centennial State? (Sorry Sis and SV, but y’all did elect Senator Wayne Allard – twice!) Well, of course in-vitro fertilization will become a thing of the past, since fertilizing eggs that are not then implanted in a uterus will be tantamount to murder. Also, not only could pregnant women be prosecuted for drinking or smoking (aka having fun like a normal human being) while pregnant, they could also be prosecuted later if it turned out they engaged in the fetus-unfriendly behavior while pregnant, but before they were aware they were pregnant.

C’mon folks, ignorance of the zygote is no defense.

So, if you’re getting the idea that this bill is one hot mess of Very Bad Things, you’d be right. Which makes me wonder, what exactly is the process of getting initiatives on the ballot in Colorado, anyway? Do they have to gather a certain number of signatures, or does it just have to be spelled correctly, or do they just do what California does and throw anything on there that their governor can pronounce?

If the worst comes to pass, don’t expect any help from President McCain, who apparently thinks birth control is too icky to even talk about, let alone recognize as a fundamental healthcare right that should not be subject to the repressive tactics of the cooch a-fearin’ douchehats of the Jesus and Mary chain.

And before you go calling me a hater, please explain to me where all the pro-choice Catholic organizations are? Oh, that’s right, there aren’t any. Because if they were to use the words “Catholic” and “pro-choice” in the same breath, they’d be excommunicated.

Don’t believe me? Ask John Kerry.


Spooney said...

"Spooney was sitting beside me, engaged in the rebuilding of some SS Camero engine on TLC’s Overhaulin’."

Come on, that's the 1st time I ever watched that show!

& to hell with all religion's

SkylersDad said...

"C’mon folks, ignorance of the zygote is no defense."

Best line I have read in like, forever!

Bubs said...

I'm with you on the outrage--the misplaced apostrophes and anti-birth control initiative. And don't get me started on "quotation" marks used badly, as on a restaurant sign advertising "real" home cooking.

In all fairness, though, as far as the Israel/Hezbollah thing goes--religion itself isn't bad or good, but when you wed it to a form of government it's dreadful.

Anonymous said...

This might just be me, but if I were given the choice of getting my dead soldier husband's body back or keeping some rock chucking, child murdering bastard in jail, I know which option I'd choose.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

"...the repressive tactics of the cooch a-fearin’ douchehats of the Jesus and Mary chain."

The Jesus and Mary Chain are a great band, and probably don't fear cooch.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

"Because if they were to use the words “Catholic” and “pro-choice” in the same breath, they’d be excommunicated." why aren't "pro-death penalty" endorsers also excommunicated?

Matt said...

There actually a great post over at The Rupblic of Dogs about this subject. Not that your isn't great but she brings up another line of logic. Her belief is that the ultimate goal is not really to ban birth control per se. The goal is that by getting this passed they are, in effect, saying that life begins at conception.

If life begins at conception that gives them the opportunity to challenge Roe.

I don't live in CO but I would hope that common sense breaks out among the populace and they vote this out overwhelmingly.



p.s. I hope I punctuated my post porperly!!

GETkristiLOVE said...

Drinking? Birth control?

Oh no, I'm a serial killer!

vikkitikkitavi said...

Spooney: You're just trying to rile me up with that elementary possessive/plural mistake, aren't you? Well, it won't work.

SkyDad: Thanks, I guess idiots inspire me.

Bubs: I don't know, Bubs. It says right there in our constitution that we must separate church and state, and we still manage to suffer plenty at the hands of the god people. Personally, I think individual spiritually is a fine thing, but organized religion is an evil institution that can never, ultimately, benefit mankind.

Oops. Just buried the lede, and in the comments section, no less.

Kirby: Yeah, what the fuck, right? I never will understand the obsession with the recover of bodies.

Randy: Oh my god, you don't honestly believe that the Catholic church discriminates against women!

Matt: Well, the initiative itself states that life begins at conception, so I guess I was taking that as read. My point is that while people like to get up on their high horses about the issue of abortion, what they don't always see is that the issue is not one of absolutes, but one of degrees. For instance, most anti-abortion people will tell you that a zygote is equal to an infant, but if you toss at them the old burning fertility clinic conundrum, they frequently will not admit to what I think is their true answer. The conundrum: a fertility clinic is burning. You can save one four-year-old, or a dish containing 10 zygotes. Which do you choose?

GKL: Well, it runs in the family.

Dad E said...

Here in Malawi, the line of separation between church and state is greatly blurred. The government and press speak as though the population is Christian although there is a large minority of Muslims. Although there is freedom to practice your own religion, there is no public recognition that their country is multi-cultural.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

So I take it you feel strongly about a woman's right to choose.

Red said...

There was a very cool-sounding pro-choice Catholic group near Albany during the last election called "Life Doesn't End at Conception". What they mean by this, or course, is that while all these "good Christian folk" are running around concerned that every fertilized egg has a chance to be born, breathe, cry, etc., let's not forget about the little children who already exist and need education, food, healthcare, etc.

Catholics come down about 50% in each political party, because a) Few American Catholics are going to agree with the Church on absolutely everything and b) neither political party agrees with the Catholic Church on everything, either. E.G. Republicans may, as a party, be more strongly pro-life, but they're also pro-death penalty.

Red said...

Correction: The group was called "Life Doesn't End at Birth"

'Bubbles' said...

McCain's take on Viagra and Birth Control... priceless.

dguzman said...

When will these stupid men learn? When will enough women finally stand up and say "OUR opinion is the one that matters, assholes. It's OUR uterus and OUR egg (collectively speaking)." I guess Hillary tried to do that and look what happened to her.