Happy Birthday, America! Hope you like lies!

A lot of people in this country like to pass the time by presuming to define what patriotism is, even though patriotism, like competence, or humility, or honor, is pretty much a moveable feast.

Recently, many people have said that it is not patriotic to criticize men who have served in the military. Fortunately for me, this leaves almost all of BushCo wide open for criticism. General Wesley Clark has found himself on the receiving end of some criticism for criticizing a military man, although, as he is himself a military man who rose through the ranks of the infantry, then…wouldn’t it not be okay to criticize Clark, even if he criticizes McCain? I’m so confused. How can you say that he can’t criticize a military man, except if he is a military man who criticizes a military man, and then it’s okay?

Oh, it was so much simpler in 2004, when it was open season on military men, or at least one in particular. Back then it was all “Medals, schmedals, you’re a traitor!” Now you can’t call a member of the military a traitor even if his name rhymes with it.

Speaking of McCain, I hope he uses the upcoming 3-day weekend to, I don’t know, like, prepare to run for president or something. After all the flap about Clark saying that flying a plane for the Navy and being a prisoner of war didn’t necessarily prepare you to be president of the United States, (I know, Clark is tough! He has some high motherfuckin standards!) you’d think that McCain would’ve spent a minute or two, or at least paid someone else to spend a minute or two, thinking about how it DID prepare him.

But he didn’t. He just got mad at the reporter who asked him about it. And did that vein-popping, boiled-lobster-face thing that he does.

Guys, I am so not looking forward to seeing that face in the White House. I mean, what if they put it on a fucking coin or something? Or a stamp? Ew. Good thing you don’t have to lick stamps anymore. And way to telegraph to the whole world that we are so not the sexy hot power country we used to be. We’re going to be like the cranky old “get off our lawn!” country, the “you kids and your jungle music!” country, the “how much for this jumbo size package of Depends?” country. No wonder Coldplay’s got the number one album in the U.S. right now, we’re only 20 electoral votes away from being lulled into nationwide senility.

And as for me, the last seven years, five months and twelve days have got me so turned around that I can’t even tell you what patriotism is anymore. I can only tell you what it isn’t.

#1 on my list of isn’t, is treason. Selling out your country for a buck. Or for your own personal power surge.

Yes, you were wondering when I was going to get around to George W, weren’t you?

Because it turns out that there is, at least for people who don’t delude themselves in order to be able to sleep at night, no longer any question at all about why we invaded Iraq. And no, I’m not saying that it was merely to make money for U.S. oil companies. That’s a perk, to be sure, but I think it’s clear that the real reason is that America no longer found it acceptable to not have a major source of oil under our control. To them, it’s a question of national security.

Ah, yes, national security, that great trumper of all things moral and decent and human-rightsy and Constitution-ish.

So the next time you ask yourself when Iraq is going to be able to stand on its own two feet, you should answer yourself “Never. Because we never intended them to.” They’re going to need our money, and our might, to make Iraq pass for livable for a nice long time. We are in there for good, if those now in power have any say about it.

And they intend to have their say. McCain’s old campaign staff, full of long-time lobbying buds, are slowly being replaced by sleek, shiny, seasoned BushCo-tested cyborgs. The Republicans are not going to go down easy, my dear gentle citizens. Prepare yourselves.

Because you know, they say the first casualty of war is truth.

I say the second one, is patriotism.

Have a great holiday weekend, citizens. I’ll be back next week.