Wednesday, August 13, 2008

P.S. You can keep the money I gave you


Dear John,

Ha, ha, that’s funny. “Dear John.”

Except it’s not.

So, John, dude.

Dude.

Ya fucked up. What else is new, huh?

I guess I have to say that, having had one marriage in which I was under a microscope, and everyone in my little community knew every detail and so therefore thought they knew me, and knew him, and also therefore thought they knew the story of our marriage, I am firmly in the “your marriage is none of my business” camp. Because no one outside of a marriage can ever really understand that marriage. And they certainly cannot judge that marriage.

But hold on. There are, as Pee Wee would say, a couple of big buts.

Big but #1 – Did Gary Hart teach you nothing? He certainly taught Bill Clinton nothing, and so Clinton was doomed to repeat Hart’s history. And now you, having not learned from Clinton, are doomed to repeat Clinton’s history. And holy cow, dude, that is some tired-ass mamajamma history. No one’s history is more tired than Bill Clinton’s. So, you know, that is making me doubt your taste a little bit. Well, that, and the dad jeans.

Big but #2 – You got 30% of the Democratic vote in Iowa! You were on television in, like, 157 debates! Have you figured out yet that the only candidate in the Democratic primary that gets to sneak around town unnoticed is Mike Gravel? In your big mea culpa statement, you pled guilty to narcissism and being egocentric, how exactly does that jive with your assumption that wearing a t-shirt to the Beverly Hills Hilton constitutes an effective disguise from the paparazzi?

Big but #3 – Dude, it’s so obvs not all out. Your timeline is wonky. Your statement disavowing all knowledge of monies paid to the other woman is not believable. You agree to a paternity test at exactly the same time the other woman changes her mind and decides NOT to have one. And lastly, your alleged baby daddy beard is a paid political operative with a criminal history. Really, the only thing missing is your DNA on the baby’s diaper.

Stop trying to mitigate. There is no mitigating. It just makes you look like a bigger weasel. Accept it all, even the bits that you feel are unfair. Take all the abuse, and take it like a man. Don’t quibble the details. You are so, so past the details.

Then go home and grow a beard and work on something worthwhile for a couple of years. I don’t know, start a soup kitchen or an employment agency. Get your hair cut at Super Cuts for twelve dollars. Suffer. Do something for that second America that I think you really do care about. I hear Habitat for Humanity can always use a hand, and hanging out with President Carter wouldn’t hurt, either. He might be able to teach you how to lust in your heart, and keep your little mill worker in your pants.

Whatever happens, don’t write any books. Seriously. That is the last thing you, and most especially we, need.

You’ve admitted that you fucked around because you thought you were special, and you thought the world revolved around you. That’s a big step. That’s a hard thing to face up to. Don’t throw it away. Embrace the humiliation, and learn something.

And then in eight years or so, come back, and tell us what you learned. By then, you will have so little to lose, that you might actually possess something valuable. Something we need. Hey, you never know, right?

Good luck, John. I mean it. Goodbye.

19 comments:

Some Guy said...

I feel the same way, Vikki.

I've tried to come up with something clever to express how deflating this revelation has been. I liked him. I thought he was genuine, but now I just think he's a boob. I feel duped.

And it's not the infidelity. I'm not going to judge him for that. It's that he deceived me into believing he was a smart guy - at least smart enough to know he couldn't do something like this without getting caught.

I do wish him the best, though, and like Vikki Said, I hope something positive can eventually come from this.

SkylersDad said...

He was my choice, and I would still vote for him if he was in it.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Another political unicorn slain?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

"...little mill worker." Nice one.

CiscoKid said...

Is Obama next?... Are there any skeletons in his closet?
Unfortunately we won't know 'till it happens and I am sure the reps are digging deep.

Anonymous said...

pops is now poplicola and has a new blog. ochlocracyinaction.blogspot ... had to share.

Bubs said...

Well put. Disappointing, not in a betrayed way, but in just a tawdry-I-expected-better way.

Edwards would do well to follow your advice for the near future. If I ever fall victim to public scandal I'll call on you to help me with my image rehab.

Jess said...

I'm just glad he's not running for president against McCain! That would have been a disaster. I just hope Obama can keep it in his pants at LEAST until after the election.

dguzman said...

Great post, and I'm right there with ya. Only I gave my money to Hillary. At least if she was gonna cheat, she'd do it with a hot chick.

KIDDING!

(not really)

kirby said...

"By then, you will have so little to lose, that you might actually possess something valuable."

That's just a wonderful line, Vikki.

SJ said...

I'd just like to add... fuck you, John Edwards.

zoe said...

funny thing is... if the asshole wouldn't have run, Hillary would have won Iowa. put their votes together and voila... no Obama. not to say that asshole's vote would have all gone to her, but... I'M JUST SAYIN'!

and i'm not a hillary whiner. promise. i'm happy with Obama, I just think he's going to cower down too much and get kicked by this stupid john corsi dickhead. your horse dream... mine is people running out of their houses brandishing swift boat books at me carrying guns. and me trying to say... but, but but but... you're all wrong!
that dream and well the steam roller, long story.

cuz

zoe said...

funny thing is... if the asshole wouldn't have run, Hillary would have won Iowa. put their votes together and voila... no Obama. not to say that asshole's vote would have all gone to her, but... I'M JUST SAYIN'!

and i'm not a hillary whiner. promise. i'm happy with Obama, I just think he's going to cower down too much and get kicked by this stupid john corsi dickhead. your horse dream... mine is people running out of their houses brandishing swift boat books at me carrying guns. and me trying to say... but, but but but... you're all wrong!
that dream and well the steam roller, long story.

cuz

Megan said...

This has nothing to do with Edwards, but are you aware of the HHS proposal to define contraception as abortion?

Megan said...

This link is better.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Chris: I agree. As cynical as I am about politicians, the whole thing has just been so deflating. I spent much of the 90s excusing the president's personal sex life, and I just don't want to do it anymore.

SkyDad: I prefer to vote for people who can win.

Randy: Exactly. This is why you can't idolize politicians. Because they're people and their lives are sloppy and they make mistakes. Huge, stupid mistakes.

Dr. MVM

vikkitikkitavi said...

Ooops. Looks like I have a case of morning fingers.

DrMVM: It's a little mean, but I couldn't resist.

CiscoK: Nobody doesn't have skeletons. So far the worst one for Obama has been Rev. Wright, I think.

DGuz: Hm. That reminds me of during the Clinton scandal, when much of the criticism was not about the fact that Bill cheated, but that he had such bad taste.

Kirby: Well, thanks, baby. Not sure now that Edwards has the depth to pull a Gore. We'll see, I guess.

SJ: Yes, that too.

Zoe: I understand where you're coming from, but it's hard for me to imagine a candidate with more to hide than Hillary. My head gets dizzy trying to enumerate all the scandals she's been involved in. Not that she's done anything overtly wrong, it's just that the rehashing of all that would dominate the news cycle. Plus, when it comes down to it, I have serious doubts about her electibility. Too many people hate her. Don't get me wrong, I think it's irrational misogynistic hate, but it's still hate. And she had idiots running her campaign. Worst campaign management since Donna Brazile and Gore.

Megan: I've been following it, but the last thing I remember is the head of the thing coming out and saying that the information on that was not meant to be released yet. Sounds like he wasn't keeping too tight a control on the little Bushies running around underneath him.

Mnmom said...

My feelings exactly

Grant Miller said...

I actually loved, LOVED, where he had one of his final meetings with that woman - a Beverly Hills hotel that was holding a conference with reporters, photographers, editors et al from national news agencies and tabloids. Either he wanted to be caught or thought he was too smart to get caught.