The mysterious mind of the swing voter

Last Thursday, NPR aired an interview with several of those so-called “swing voters” that you keep hearing so much about.

I finally understand why they have trouble making up their minds about who’s going to get their vote: they’re idiots. Their decision-making process is really fucked up.

The degree to which it is fucked is difficult to discern, because their communication skills are also really primitive, so as a service to you, dear readers, I will now translate into English these actual swing voter comments:

Dennis Batz (Clinton voter): “I didn’t like the fact that Obama’s wife made a statement that she’s finally proud to be an American…You’re going to be president of this country, and you’re not going to put your hand on your heart and show that you’re dedicated? I have a problem with that.”

Translation: I am not discerning, and will buy just about any line of shit that I am handed. I should go on Fear Factor, because I would swallow anything.

Janelle Mader (lifelong Republican): “For most of my life, my decisions have been made based on morals, and family values, and now all of a sudden, our country is just like turned upside down with all of these economic issues. It’s really making me second guess voting for those ideals.”

Translation: Holy shit! The Republicans don’t care about poor people!

(Mader, cont.) “I still don’t know very much about either platform. Like, what John McCain is actually going to do if he becomes president. And the same thing for Barack Obama. I just know ‘vote for change,’ I don’t know what change. I know there has been a lot of media coverage, but I’m still like, waiting for the meat of it.”

Translation: I, like, can’t be bothered watching anything as complicated as a debate on the issues, so I base my decisions on, like, the candidate’s television commercials. Oh, what am I saying? I’m just going to vote Republican again. Maybe this time it will be totally different!

Terry Matheson (voted for Bush in 2004): “As much as we like to say this is a good world, the real world doesn’t do well with change, and I think somebody would be out for him, and I would fear for his life. I would hope that he would have a lot of bodyguards that would help him.”

Translation: I can hardly leave my house anymore. All the white people have moved away from my neighborhood and I’m terrified.

Charles Fasano (Clinton voter): “I’m a Democrat, and thinking more about McCain, just because I don’t trust Osama – I mean Obama. It’s only one letter difference. His middle name is Hussein. He comes from a Muslim family. It’s not right, I can’t see it. I fear for America if he comes in.”

Translation: I constantly have to tell people that I’m a Democrat, because I am so bigoted & ignorant that people just naturally assume I’m a Republican. Thank the Lord that Obama is a Muslim, otherwise I’d have to admit that never in a million years would I vote for a nig-… I mean a black man.

(Fasano, cont.): “If Obama gets in, there’s going to be a big black agenda, and it’s going to turn whites against blacks, and we’re going to have more of a chance of riots.”

Translation: The Big Black Agenda:

1. Call Pope – why the delay of Oprah’s canonization?

2. Order the destruction of all existing prints of “Gone with the Wind” and “Driving Miss Daisy.” Oh, and that movie where Matt Damon’s a better golfer than Will Smith.

3. Outlaw white sheets.

4. Pass law for mandatory labeling of all Confederate flags with the warning “Caution: these colors run.”

5. Evaluate plan to make reparations for slavery based on DNA analysis and income matrix of all those African-Americans descended from slaves.

6. What the hell, just give ‘em all a solid gold Rolex!

7. Appoint an actual Welfare Queen.

8. Git it on with her.

9. Tell America to kiss my black ass.