Monday, June 30, 2008

The mysterious mind of the swing voter

Last Thursday, NPR aired an interview with several of those so-called “swing voters” that you keep hearing so much about.

I finally understand why they have trouble making up their minds about who’s going to get their vote: they’re idiots. Their decision-making process is really fucked up.

The degree to which it is fucked is difficult to discern, because their communication skills are also really primitive, so as a service to you, dear readers, I will now translate into English these actual swing voter comments:

Dennis Batz (Clinton voter): “I didn’t like the fact that Obama’s wife made a statement that she’s finally proud to be an American…You’re going to be president of this country, and you’re not going to put your hand on your heart and show that you’re dedicated? I have a problem with that.”

Translation: I am not discerning, and will buy just about any line of shit that I am handed. I should go on Fear Factor, because I would swallow anything.

Janelle Mader (lifelong Republican): “For most of my life, my decisions have been made based on morals, and family values, and now all of a sudden, our country is just like turned upside down with all of these economic issues. It’s really making me second guess voting for those ideals.”

Translation: Holy shit! The Republicans don’t care about poor people!

(Mader, cont.) “I still don’t know very much about either platform. Like, what John McCain is actually going to do if he becomes president. And the same thing for Barack Obama. I just know ‘vote for change,’ I don’t know what change. I know there has been a lot of media coverage, but I’m still like, waiting for the meat of it.”

Translation: I, like, can’t be bothered watching anything as complicated as a debate on the issues, so I base my decisions on, like, the candidate’s television commercials. Oh, what am I saying? I’m just going to vote Republican again. Maybe this time it will be totally different!

Terry Matheson (voted for Bush in 2004): “As much as we like to say this is a good world, the real world doesn’t do well with change, and I think somebody would be out for him, and I would fear for his life. I would hope that he would have a lot of bodyguards that would help him.”

Translation: I can hardly leave my house anymore. All the white people have moved away from my neighborhood and I’m terrified.

Charles Fasano (Clinton voter): “I’m a Democrat, and thinking more about McCain, just because I don’t trust Osama – I mean Obama. It’s only one letter difference. His middle name is Hussein. He comes from a Muslim family. It’s not right, I can’t see it. I fear for America if he comes in.”

Translation: I constantly have to tell people that I’m a Democrat, because I am so bigoted & ignorant that people just naturally assume I’m a Republican. Thank the Lord that Obama is a Muslim, otherwise I’d have to admit that never in a million years would I vote for a nig-… I mean a black man.

(Fasano, cont.): “If Obama gets in, there’s going to be a big black agenda, and it’s going to turn whites against blacks, and we’re going to have more of a chance of riots.”

Translation: The Big Black Agenda:

1. Call Pope – why the delay of Oprah’s canonization?

2. Order the destruction of all existing prints of “Gone with the Wind” and “Driving Miss Daisy.” Oh, and that movie where Matt Damon’s a better golfer than Will Smith.

3. Outlaw white sheets.

4. Pass law for mandatory labeling of all Confederate flags with the warning “Caution: these colors run.”

5. Evaluate plan to make reparations for slavery based on DNA analysis and income matrix of all those African-Americans descended from slaves.

6. What the hell, just give ‘em all a solid gold Rolex!

7. Appoint an actual Welfare Queen.

8. Git it on with her.

9. Tell America to kiss my black ass.


Jess said...

What's even more horrifying is that these people not only feel this way, but that they'd admit it out load. To a reporter. We all have our prejudices and ignorances (yeah, I just made up a word), but I think the less idiodic of us don't really want them publically known.

I used to work with a guy who admitted to me that he didn't like gay people. "You know, when someone says that, I just assume they're gay and in the closet," I commented. He was horrified. HAH!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Thanks for enlightening me.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Jess: I love it. Whenever one of my ignorant relatives says something along the lines of "black people just want to take drugs on welfare," I enthusiastically say "Me too!"

Dr.MVM: I would never presume to enlighten you, sir.

Anonymous said...

I will enjoy watching the heads of certain family members explode come inauguration day.

CiscoKid said...

I listened to the show driving to work and I could not believe what was coming out of these people's mouths. The one that stuck with me was of the "Democrat" who said that we would have riots and a black agenda if "Osama" was elected President.
Unbelievable. And you know there are so many more like them..

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Afraid of The Big Black Agenda?
Could it be worse than the Big White Agenda we're living through today?
I'm willing to chance it.

Some Guy said...

Your translations are fucking priceless!

SkylersDad said...

Mr "Osama, I mean Obama" is really the clever wit, I look forward to him taking over Carlins throne.

Bubs said...

You just described 3/4 of my coworkers.

dguzman said...

Thank you SO much for nailing it in this post--and sadly, you just described about 99% of my coworkers and people who live in Central PA. My favorite thing to do now is to befriend some of them, make them like me, lower their intolerance levels about gays and other "liberal" issues by CONSTANTLY talking about them, then -- when I've got 'em wrapped around my finger because they're too lazy to actually inform themselves, so they listen to ME -- I tell them to vote Obama because he's the only one who wants to fix things. So far, I've converted six people into democrats (at least for now!). I call that success.

Distributorcap said...

it AMAZES me that people really "havent made up their mind"

are they fucking kidding?

this election has been 24/7 coverage for over a year -- what don't you know? and who in their right mind votes "moral values" --- i hope those values feed her kids...

america is a stupid country
i had to say it

dguzman said...

Vik--please come by my impeachment bloggy; I gave you an award--hope that's okay!

Grant Miller said...

Jesus christ.

Anyway, Anne Coulter made a very similar argument to the one you've made in 2004. I hope that's the last time I say you and Coultergeist are similar.

Dad E said...

Those that haven't made up their minds by now should not be allowed to vote. Why? because they fail to understand their responsibilty to be an informed, rational voter who wants to help direct the country to achieve the best for its citizens.

Indecision is a cover for fear directed cowardness. They're sad souls wanting security without the cost of involvement.

Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks said...

I... I think I love you...

Mauigirl said...

Brilliant post - came here from DGuzman's site.

I am afraid DCap is right - we are a stupid country - at least a lot of it is!