Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria

Apocalypse - just one of the many features of the first 100 days of an Obama presidency?

Citing Obama’s pledge to "pay any price, bear any burden, fly any distance to meet with our enemies," Michael Gerson, former 43 speechwriter and self-declared author of “the axis of evil,” has taken it upon himself to fill in Obama’s schedule for the first 100 days of the his possible future presidency.

Not surprisingly, Gerson imagines the worst for the Democratic nomination frontrunner. First of all, because he characterizes the statement as a stone-cast commitment to meet with Ahmadinejad, like, 5 minutes after being sworn in, when in truth Obama’s statement is more of a pledge not to rule out meeting with anyone solely on the basis of being the head of an enemy state.

Among the calamities that would ensue from this meeting, Gerson predicts the following:

1. “The New York Post runs a front-page picture of the Obama-Ahmadinejad handshake under the headline ‘Surrender Summit!’”

2. “The story notes another of Obama's historic firsts: the first American president to meet with a Holocaust denier.”

3. “The Israeli prime minister publicly asks, ‘Why is the American president meeting with a leader who calls us 'filthy bacteria' and threatens to wipe us 'off the map?'’”

4. “Tens of thousands protest in Tel Aviv, carrying signs reading ‘Chamberlain Lives!’”

To which I say:

1. Who cares?

2. Yes, by all means, let’s define our agenda on THAT criteria.

3. So that we can maybe stop him from doing that, douchewipe.

4. I find the fact that Gerson envisions the furious, Obama-chastising-intent, citizens of Tel Aviv invoking the name of the 1937-1940 Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, (no matter what he ceded to Hitler during his term), quite frankly, hilarious. What an amazing little Ivy-league-covered world this guy lives in. I’m surprised he doesn’t also have the Tel Avivians kidnapping the Obama administration’s team mascot and holding him ransom until after the big game.

Next on Obama’s agenda, according to Gerson, is a meeting with Raul Castro. Oooooooh. Gerson-style chaos ensues in the wake, namely:

1. Cubans in Miami protest.

2. Hugo Chavez praises Obama’s visit as a "public apology for generations of American imperialism and militarism."

3. Mexico and Canada, who resent being arm-twisted on NAFTA, complain that he is courting our enemies and punished our friends.

To which I say:

1. Fuck the Cubans in Miami. In case they haven’t noticed, 50 years of “punishing” Castro has done fuck all for the people of Cuba. Except give them better health coverage than us, of course.

2. Who cares? I mean, I know that the Right has pants-pissing nightmares about being taunted by South America’s biggest left-wing kook, but seriously…who cares?

3. Canada – shut up. I know Mexico put you up to this. Mexico – why don’t you try calling us back when you’ve established a police force that takes fewer bribes and terrorizes its citizens just a tiny bit less than do the drug cartels you purport to protect the citizens against, mkay?

And, finally, there is Gerson’s vision of Obama’s announcement of our withdrawal from Iraq:

1. The military is shocked and demoralized.

2. Our Sunni allies, Egypt and Saudi Arabia, panic and retreat from the area.

3. Iraqi Shiites and Sunnis prepare for a resumption of conflict.

And last, but certainly not least:

4. “An intercepted al-Qaeda communication talks of ‘so much defeat, exhaustion and death -- and then, praise be, this unexpected victory!’”

To which you know I’m gonna say:

1. And then, as soon as the reporters leave, the military jumps up and down with joy and yells “Fuck yeah!”

2. Really? They wait that long? I thought they would’ve been gone after the meeting with Ahmadinejad.

3. Resumption? Resumption?

And of course:

4. Priceless. Absolutely fucking priceless. You know, no matter what day we finally end up pulling out of Iraq, to guys like Gerson it will forever be known as “the day before we won.”


RandyLuvsPaiste said...

How do douche-tard writers find and keep their jobs?

Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks said...


dguzman said...

What a fucking hosehead this Gerson guy is. I just love these terrified white guys, running around screaming, "They want my money! They want my life! They they they!" whenever anyone other than a rich white guy takes a piss. Reason enough to vote for Obama or Hillary, in my book. And GOD FORBID we offer a "public apology for generations of American imperialism and militarism" because God knows it's our RIGHT to fuck up every other country on the planet! We're AMURKANS!


Bro said...

OMG, I had no idea... I... simply... didn't.. know.

I guess I have no choice but to vote republican.

Fear, It haz us

dguzman said...

Oh Vik, this morning I heard that some people believe that if Obama is elected, the blacks and browns will rally behind him and rise up against the whiteys, and we'll have a new civil war.

Such stupidity can only be deliberate; no one with half a brain could conjure these insane "thoughts" by accident of logic.