And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs

I saw my first McCain bumper sticker today. It said “McCain 08: Appeasement is Not the Answer,” and it made me so angry that I very nearly rear-ended the cranky old white dude (what else?) behind the wheel. It wasn’t just that the driver was a McCain supporter, it was that of all the moronic ideas that the Republicans have ever sold to cranky old white dudes everywhere, that whole “appeasement” thing is just about the stupidest. No wonder the likes of Limbaugh and Hannity are constantly harping on it.

Man, if any of you readers out there remember when the Vietnam War was on tv every night, then you know that it’s the same shit warmed over. Getting out is an act of cowardice, blah, blah, blah. McCain in particular seems to have a problem with the resolution of the Vietnam War, I think because he resents spending all those years in the POW camp from hell just to watch us skedaddle out of country so fast that the door most definitely did not hit us on the ass on the way out.

In other words, McCain has issues.

You know what would be interesting? To have someone in the audience at one of his events call him a coward. Just to see the boiling mad, vein-popping, fist-clenching, lobster-faced meltdown that would result.

So, well, little Johnny made a speech today in which he offers us some modest predictions for the end of his first term as President of the United States:

By January 2013, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom.

See? He’s getting off on the wrong foot right away. What in the sam hell does Iraq have to do with our freedom? Now, if he wanted to make a “we broke it, we bought it” argument about Iraq, I’d listen to him. I wouldn’t agree, but I’d listen. But if he wants me to consider the premise that meddling in the affairs of Muslim countries makes us, in spite of the vows of every Muslim extremist on earth, more safe, he’d have to do more than just say it. He’d have to EXPLAIN EXACTLY HOW THAT WORKS. And I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that he can’t.

The Iraq War has been won. Iraq is a functioning democracy, although still suffering from the lingering effects of decades of tyranny and centuries of sectarian tension. Violence still occurs, but it is spasmodic and much reduced.

Hey, Mr. Maverick, why so modest? As long as you’re dreaming, dream big!

Civil war has been prevented; militias disbanded; the Iraqi Security Force is professional and competent; al Qaeda in Iraq has been defeated; and the Government of Iraq is capable of imposing its authority in every province of Iraq and defending the integrity of its borders.

There ya go. That’s more like it. But he forgot to say that the Sunni and the Shia are, like, totally BFF now. Oh, wait. I forgot that he’s not really sure who those people are. On second thought, best not to mention it at all. I mean, unless Lieberman were there, in which case he would let McCain crib from his notes.

The United States maintains a military presence there, but a much smaller one, and it does not play a direct combat role.

Wait a sec. That one must be a mistake. Because if our current president is to be believed, this has already happened.

The threat from a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan has been greatly reduced but not eliminated. U.S. and NATO forces remain there to help finish the job, and continue operations against the remnants of al Qaeda. The Government of Pakistan has cooperated with the U.S. in successfully adapting the counterinsurgency tactics that worked so well in Iraq and Afghanistan to its lawless tribal areas where al Qaeda fighters are based.

This is my favorite one. As if…hold on…I have to stop laughing for a minute so I can type…AS IF ALL that’s holding back the Government of Pakistan from getting rid of al Qaeda is knowledge of the awesome tactics we employed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Oh my god, I can’t help it readers, that just cracks me the fuck up.

The increase in actionable intelligence that the counterinsurgency produced led to the capture or death of Osama bin Laden, and his chief lieutenants.

Yeah, because it’s worked so well so far.

There is no longer any place in the world al Qaeda can consider a safe haven. Increased cooperation between the United States and its allies in the concerted use of military, diplomatic, and economic power and reforms in the intelligence capabilities of the United States has disrupted terrorist networks and exposed plots around the world.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we already have cooperation with our allies, right? I mean, isn’t that why they’re allies? What we really need is some cooperation from our enemies. Because…they’re the ones that are screwing us…I’m pretty sure.

Oh, but see, there’s that nasty appeasement bugaboo again. Never mind. Let’s just keep asking our allies for more and more cooperation. I’m sure that will work eventually.

There still has not been a major terrorist attack in the United States since September 11, 2001.

Remember readers, he PROMISED!