Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your aesthetic!

So Sunday night I’m sitting in Molly Malone’s, waiting for the band to start*, and because Spooney and Randy are ignoring me and talking about gear, I’m in a curmudgeonly mood. I knew I was being childish even as my funk descended, but seriously, how much more is there to say about a Marshall stack that hasn’t been said already?

Also, there are certain bars in LA that I loathe, and Molly Malone’s is one of them. I hate it almost as much as I loathe the Troubadour, which, despite its history as one of the most venerable rock and roll clubs in the world, has the most jackassy bouncers this side of the 405. Molly Malone’s, however, I hate because their bartenders have attitude. Not the more common LA bartender attitude, which seems to be based on a feeling that after spending 10 grand on a boob job, they really shouldn’t have to know how to make a gimlet. No, the attitude of the bartenders at Molly Malone’s is all about the entitlement of being a smelly Irish hole-in-the-wall in a town where most of the taverns boast oxygen pipes and ironic jukeboxes.

And, so, there’s this chick sitting next to me who’s taking pictures of the band, and although she’s clearly in her thirties, she’s dressed like a cross between Avril Lavigne and Ashley Simpson. And as I stare at her skull-and-crossbones-patterned tank top, I think to myself that maybe some design motifs should just be outlawed.

Stay with me.

Because if they were outlawed, then chicks like annoying camera girl would not be able to leave her house, and the world would be spared yet another avenue of sartorial boringness. I figure we could crush camera girl and her pop-punk-post-goth-rockabilly ilk merely by making illegal the following patterns:

  1. skulls, bones, and skeletons
  2. crosses and/or ankhs
  3. spiders
  4. snakes
  5. hearts with daggers, broken hearts, bleeding hearts, etc.

Also, just as Los Angeles has driven out its smokers, I propose that a ban on shoes that look as though they might have been worn to flee from pitchfork- and torch-carrying Bavarian peasants might make everyone feel a little healthier and happier.

We could make the penalty for wearing any of the above something really repulsive to them, like being forced to sit through an Emerson Lake & Palmer reunion concert.

Prog rock is their nemesis, right?

Look, I know I’m hating. I just find the whole milieu so fucking hypocritical. How can you scream about how fucking punk you are when you’re wearing the same $90 Paul Frank hoodie as everyone else? It’s like hip-hop clothing. The rules of adornment are so rigidly enforced, it’s ridiculous. I mean, I understand that clothes are an expression of where you feel you belong, but goddamn, what if giant-sized manpris are just not your thing?

What if you feel like you do NOT belong in a circus?

What’s the alternative? Ostracism?

It has been my experience that ostracism is severely underrated.

*They were, in spite of my bitching about the wait, really good.


RandyLuvsPaiste said...

I'm sorry we ignored you. Neither of us intended that, but we're a buncha band dorks. Spooney really does know a lot about amplification.

Lisa said...

I don't mind an occasional smattering of skulls, but I'll have you know I buy any and all skeletal accessories at Claire's.

Because irony.

Larry Jones said...

Nah - you'd never be able to outlaw cheesy stuff fast enough. Conversely (or perversely), each design motif that you outlawed would, by definition, become "outlaw," thus hip, and then you'd have to legalize it, and it would get lame and overdone again.

That said, the 30-something babes in the torn fishnets and Catholic schoolgirl pleated skirts are pretty much the only reason I would ever go to a hip bar in LA.

Cheer34 said...

What's a manpris?

Bubs said...

Ah yes, the uniform of people who are rebelling against looking like everyone else.

Question: did the camera chick have Bettie bangs as well?

'Bubbles' said...

I can not fashion critique at this point in my life because I am such a freaking middle aged mom cliche! I have two girls over the age of 13 who now council me on what "the hot guys wear" so that I don't dress Thing 3 "like a geek". Sadly, I listen!

I have to admit, when I let them counsel me he looks pretty damn good! Then again, I get compliments about their dress from strangers... and they pick it all for themselves.

Basically, what I'm saying is that I'm an old dork and useless... :)

Grant Miller said...

There's actually a lot to be said about Marshall stacks.

And although I enjoy a healthy amount of punk rock, I have no problem w/ prog.

But I'm with you on the manpris

vikkitikkitavi said...

"Spooney really does know a lot about amplification"

Randy: If that doesn't sum up the last twenty conversations I've had with him while waiting for a band to start playing, I don't know what does.

Lisa: Well, as long as you're buying CUT-RATE cliched design motifs...

Larry: Dude, if you're going to ogle, can you at least ogle something more original? That's like getting caught leering at the blond in the tank top with the fake DD tits. So trite.

Cheer34: I so envy you that you don't know.

Bubs: I don't know, because she had on a lame knit hat. Also, a wallet chain. And Converse high tops. You do understand now, why it infuriated me, right?

Bubbles: I would never fault anyone for being out of fashion, if you don't care about fashion. That's fine. What irritates me is the complete lack of originality is these various modes of dress.

Grant: Oh, believe me, I know. I once was stuck for almost an hour in a tow truck with Spooney and the driver, who just happened to be a gear head. I almost jumped out the window on the 101.

Larry Jones said...

Hey, Vikki -- As you yourself point out, it's difficult to find anything original to look at in the moderne club scene.

Jess said...

One of my favorite things ever was this billboard for Mervyn's with this total gangsta hip-hop looking guy on it.

They've since changed it, but Jeff & I still get a lot of joy pretending to be the gangsta who bought his clothes at Mervyn's.

Anonymous said...

I guess I don't get out much these days. Are guys still wearing the manpris?

Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks said...

Um... does this mean I have to wear long sleeves over my heart tattoo AND take off my black nailpolish??

dguzman said...

Man, I thought I had it bad living in State College, the centre of the lookalike coeds--Uggs (ugh!), sweats or sweat-pris, a PSU hoodie, and a ponytail. You live in HELL, lady. My sympathies.

Bro said...

HEY! I like ELP... but you knew that.

Simon Glickman and Sera Gamble said...

Man, Greg Lake is such a badass. What kind of amp do you think he used, an Ampeg combo with eight tens in the cabinet?