The FBI is looking for young people who can act as moles to infiltrate “vegan potluck” terrorist groups that might disrupt the Republican National Convention in
They won’t say how much the position pays, but it only pays if their work results in an arrest, which I’m sure won’t give rise to any cases wherein the mole is the actual instigator of violence, because that’s never happened in the past.
Ah, who am I kidding? What’s the worst they could do?
The Worst They Could Do: a list of Vegan Potluck Terrorist ideas to disrupt the 2008 Republican National Convention
- Replace creamer in RNC break room with SoyMoo.
- Use shoeshine ruse to switch conventioneers’ leather dress shoes with Teva sandals.
- Engage PETA operatives to find and liberate elephant mascot.
- Hijack sidewalk hot dog carts, serve Smart Dogs on whole-grain spelt buns instead.
- Douse the dead animal pelt on Chuck Norris’s head with red paint.
- Free carton of Ener-G Egg Replacer in every gift bag!
- Deploy specially-designed hacky sacks that release soothing lavender scent that suppresses urge to disenfranchise minority voters.
- Threaten to tell Midwestern delegates what’s really in Jell-O.
- Override big screen programming with commercial for “Tofu: the other white stuff.”
- Insist that convention performers The Four Tops alter song lyrics to “Sugar Pie, Cruelty-Free Honey Substitute Bunch.”
Readers, feel free to add any ideas that you may have come across during your various forays into vegan strongholds such as the Whole Foods soy sausage section, or the organic carrot queue at your local farmer’s market, in the comments section of this post.