Thursday, May 22, 2008

Wanted: protein-starved snitches

The FBI is looking for young people who can act as moles to infiltrate “vegan potluck” terrorist groups that might disrupt the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis this fall.

They won’t say how much the position pays, but it only pays if their work results in an arrest, which I’m sure won’t give rise to any cases wherein the mole is the actual instigator of violence, because that’s never happened in the past.

Ah, who am I kidding? What’s the worst they could do?

The Worst They Could Do: a list of Vegan Potluck Terrorist ideas to disrupt the 2008 Republican National Convention

  • Replace creamer in RNC break room with SoyMoo.
  • Use shoeshine ruse to switch conventioneers’ leather dress shoes with Teva sandals.
  • Engage PETA operatives to find and liberate elephant mascot.
  • Hijack sidewalk hot dog carts, serve Smart Dogs on whole-grain spelt buns instead.
  • Douse the dead animal pelt on Chuck Norris’s head with red paint.
  • Free carton of Ener-G Egg Replacer in every gift bag!
  • Deploy specially-designed hacky sacks that release soothing lavender scent that suppresses urge to disenfranchise minority voters.
  • Threaten to tell Midwestern delegates what’s really in Jell-O.
  • Override big screen programming with commercial for “Tofu: the other white stuff.”
  • Insist that convention performers The Four Tops alter song lyrics to “Sugar Pie, Cruelty-Free Honey Substitute Bunch.”

Readers, feel free to add any ideas that you may have come across during your various forays into vegan strongholds such as the Whole Foods soy sausage section, or the organic carrot queue at your local farmer’s market, in the comments section of this post.


RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Are The Four Tops really performing at the Convention? I always chuckle whenever I see African-Americans at Republican events (like the minister who married Jenna and Henry). I'd love to know what they're REALLY thinking.

Doc said...

I'm really fucking curious what the job pays. It has got to compete with all those burger flipping jobs out there, so there has to be some kind of money in it. Did it mention if there was an age limit? I'll be 37 this year but I still get carded for smokes so I might be able to pass. I don't think they would give me the job anyway as I can't seem to lose the "freshly opened Slim Jim" smell. Damn, I could really use the money too, since my Government Rebate Check (read state instituted bribery check for the last eight years of fuck-ups and a national debt my great-grandchildren will be paying off) isn't coming any time soon.

Where did I put those pork rinds?


Splotchy said...

Readers, feel free to add any ideas that you may have come across during your various forays into vegan strongholds

Patchouli bomb

dguzman said...

I love you, you little glass of Silk Chocolate Soymilk, you!

Mnmom said...

Secretly stock all area cigarette shelves with the clove variety.

Hack the sound systems and upload 300 copies of "All We Are Saying" by Lennon and Yoko Ono.

Put Free-Trade-Organic coffee in Folgers canisters.

Bribe all the area prostitutes to skip all shaving one month prior.

Anonymous said...

If that story in Salon has any truth to it, the hippies can just pass out a bunch of keychains and jangle them in unison.

Coaster Punchman said...

Those damn vegans are a real pain in the ass to us Fruitarians. Imagine, killing entire plants just to have a salad!