Wednesday, May 14, 2008

You may feel some discomfort

So, I’m calling my gynie’s office because I’m overdue for an annual on my cooch, and as I finished my business and was about to hang up, the receptionist says “Please be aware that the doctor no longer prescribes birth control pills.”

The phone was halfway to the cradle. I pull it back. “What?”

“The doctor no longer prescribes birth control pills.”

“Okaaaay,” I say. I am not concerned because I need a prescription; I no longer take birth control pills, partly because I am too old but also because they may (or may not, depending on which we-don’t-really-give-a-shit-about-women’s-icky-health-problems half-assed theory you subscribe to) exacerbate the symptoms of my uterine fibroid tumors.

I know. Ew. Tumors. I guess I should have given you guys some warning that I was about to drop the misshapen lady parts bomb. So sorry.

“So, we’ll see you 3 weeks from Tuesday,” the nurse says, trying to end the call.

“Wait a minute. What kind of birth control method does she recommend, then?”

“The doctor counsels her patients on the rhythm method.”

I had to quickly check my watch to see what year it was. Had the retrograde policies of the Bush administration caused time to literally run backward, I wondered?

“I see,” I said. It occurred to me that my Latina doctor was a likely Catholic. “And this decision…is it…well, is it based on the doctor’s own personal morality?”


I was expecting her to sound defensive, but it was actually more like weariness.

“I understand,” I said, and hung up. But readers, I did not understand.

I do not understand.

To tell the truth, my disillusionment with this doctor had begun several years ago. I'd had a myomectomy to remove aforementioned fibroids ten years previously, and they had returned again. Upon learning this, my doctor advised me to get rid of my uterus. Wait, I protested, I’m not ready to give up on the old gal just yet. She’s got a few more years on her.

“You’re what? 42? You don’t really need it anymore,” she said.


“I need it,” I offered, weakly. “I might need it.”

She just looked at me.

“Wait, isn’t there a good chance that my sex drive will disappear if you just yank it?”

“It’s possible, yes.”

“I NEED my sex drive.”

She shrugged and made some marks on my chart that no doubt were doctor speak for “delusional old slut,” and left.

The encounter stung. It was bad enough that she considered me past my prime and no longer in need of a good shag, but to deliver the news while I was sitting on that table in that goddamn fucking unflattering neurosis-enabling paper gown, well, let’s just say that that doctor ain’t no kind of sister.

After that, I only saw the nurse practitioner. And the great part is that the nurse was definitely a sister. At every check-up, she would ask me about my fibroids, and I would tell her about my research, and the changes I had made to my diet and how well it was controlling my symptoms, and she would confide a tip from another patient who was also doing what I was doing, and for a while that was fine with me. It felt subversive to be sneaking around the doctor’s back, just me and my uterus hanging around, thumbing our noses at her so-called medical expertise.

But now this. The rhythm method, for fuck’s sake.

I called the office back and cancelled the appointment. Because I remembered, what’s the principal precept of the medical arts?

First, do no harm.

Unless you’re a Catholic, of course, in which case feel free to do all the harm you want while upholding your own personal medieval beliefs about sex not being for pleasure but only to create other Catholics. Feel free to enforce a method that all but guarantees a woman will have more children, no matter what her own personal will may be, or to what extent her own health may necessitate the opposite. And while you’re at it, why not just tell her to put the lime in the coconut, and call you in the morning.

What a piece of shit excuse for a doctor, man. I mean, really. They ought to pull that bitch’s license, or transfer it to some country where women are lucky to even escape puberty with their clitoris still attached.

Yeah, she’d be a radical feminist in the Sudan.

Then, on top of all this, I heard today that the Vatican has suggested that there might be life on other planets. Life made by the one true Catholic God, you understand, but still.

Say what? Aliens from outer space? That’s funny, because I don’t remember that being mentioned in the Bible. Did I skip that part, the part about “Blessed are those from another world, for their proclivity for anal probes shall convey the homosexual fears of delusional rednecks throughout the rural Southern United States”?

So, the Pope is willing to admit that the Bible might have omitted the mention of an entire universe filled with other non-human beings, but women…still not allowed to fuck for fun, eh? Still better to get AIDS than to use a condom, huh? Gals still not worthy to serve in the priesthood, right? And god still hates fags, of course.

Well, fuck that nonsense, and pass the yellow pages. I needs to find me another cooch doc.


Madam Z said...

Great post! I'm wondering how many kids your fucked-up gynocologist has. Ask her if she uses only the rhythm method. I can just hear the music in her waiting room... "I've got rhy-thm, you've got rhy-thm, la la la la, you can't ask for anything more."

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

I'm glad you had a good experience with a nurse practitioner. Doctors are taught to treat illness. Nurses are taught to treat people.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

My love for you deepens with this post. Fuck that crazy gyno bitch, who the hell is she to push her morals on anyone?

deadspot said...

Those wacky Cath-o-lics...

Lisa said...

I thank my lucky stars for my Chinese, Buddhist, male gyno, who gives me all the ungodly pills I want, and warms up the speculum to boot...

SkylersDad said...

I am amazed you didn't fire this doc awhile ago, and check the waiver-wire for a new one! I can't believe she told you you don't need it anymore... What a quack!

Splotchy said...

I was thinking about getting a vasectomy, and was surprised to learn my health care system that I normally went through didn't perform that procedure due to religious/moral/etc. reasons.

Hey, speaking of health care, did you know I infected you with a story virus? Well, you do now.

How's that for a segueway?

Freida Bee said...

This is my first time over here, and oh, what a post. You know, the rhythm method is just darn good for business. She's doing her part to stimulate the economy.

And, you can bet she's opposed to abortion.

Sploth- Neither did my hubby's insurance cover a vas., but he got on the waiting list at Planned Parenthood and after about six months they called because someone canceled and got the deep done very affordably.

Freida Bee said...

deed, not deep...?

Spooney said...

Do any of these religious super-breeders ever think about how much they are contributing to the world's #1 problem - over population of human beings on this fucking planet!

huh huh, Cooch Doc

dguzman said...

Wow. And she's a woman. I too want to know whether she uses that rhythm method. As a friend of mine used to joke, "Do you know what they call people who use the rhythm method? Parents."

Great post. I'm glad you dumped this idiot doctor.

Matt said...

I tried to follow this post but I'm a bachelor so my knowledge of female parts ends at rub here, lick her, faster, get the picture. I'm actually afraid to ask what that picture is at the top of the post.

But seriously, can a doctor really deny you proven medical treatment. You aren't asking for something radical, you're talking about estrogen. I would think you could talk to a medical board about this. Just curious.


RandyLuvsPaiste said...

That object in the picture is a vaginal speculum. A speculum is a medical tool for investigating body cavities, with a form dependent on the body cavity for which it is designed.

Matt said...

Randy, I was right. I didn't want to know.


GETkristiLOVE said...

Rhythm method... does that mean you can have sex with Lionel Richie playing in the background?! I'm sure her watch was set to the 80s.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Splotchy: They refused to perform a vasectomy for moral reasons? That's a new one on me. Oh, and thanks for the tag, MoFo, I'll get to work on that right away.

Matt: Actually, I like to think of my doctor's approach to fibroid tumors as excessively Biblical: If thine I offends thee, pluck it out. But it totally makes sense that someone of her religious beliefs would think that if I'm not going to have babies, then why do I need a uterus?

Also, Mr. Matt the Bachelor, if you are a straight man, may I recommend to you a book called "She Comes First"? It's written by a straight man, for straight men, and it's purpose is to teach men how to chew the biscuit more successfully, but along the way it explains the lady business quite well. You might find it enlightening. Plus, well, there's always room for improvement in the carpet munching arena, eh? Not that you need it, I'm sure.

vikkitikkitavi said...

"Its" purpose, not "it's," dang it. I hate it when I do that.

Bubs said...

I have a question. I'm assuming from the way you wrote that, that your doctor did, at some point in the past, prescribe birth control pills? Right? I mean, if the receptionist had to make an announcement that would imply the doctor did prescribe them before. That makes this really sad for me, another example of what I've been seeing in a number of places over the past couple of years--people becoming more fundamentalist, more rigid, than they were a few years ago. I've seen this with a number of my cousins and co-workers. People who were not overly religious a few years ago who now send tons of forwarded prayer emails, are now ridiculing the theory of evolution, etc...

It's another sign of the un-enlightenment.

Matt said...

Vikki, while my first post was mainly sarcasm I'm intrigued by the fact that someone actually wrote a book on how to perform oral sex on a women. And for the record, I'm always willing to learn.

However, how can a man write a book about women? Seriously, everything I know about pleasing a women I learned from women since they are the ones with the...ummm equiptment. I will look into the book none the less.


Matt (the straigh bachelor)

Jess said...

Guess how I got pregnant? If your answer is "You employed the rhythm method" then you would be correct! And that, ladies & gentlemen is how well it works.

Bro said...

Change doctors. Change doctors, change doctors, change doctors, change doctors, change doctors, change doctors, change doctors, change doctors.

Change doctors.

Lot of bad docs in the world, a Dr only means you went to school. I seen good ones, I seen 'em kill people for no good reason.

Go with your gut, get a doctor that shares your family, moral and life values, it's easy to then discuss those things in context. Sadly I have seen cultural divides keep a doc from administering relevant information to a member of another culture.

My first Doc in my adult life was a previous Army medic, we related on every level. My Doc now is my age, suffers the same back problems I do (from lifting patients) and has other afflictions that I can ask what he uses for his version of what I have.

Change Doctors.

Dave said...

I don't mind the rhythm method, it's never gotten me pregnant and it's given me two beautiful children.

Mnmom said...

That is just nuts, and something I find morally wrong. So can I harass her because I find her new policy morally absurd??

'Bubbles' said...

Oh, my. Just when you think women have come so far. How depressing.

Thanks for leaving her practice. I sure wish she would go broke and have to do something else for a living.


Oh - glad you saved your uterus, too. My mom had an old guy doctor tell her she didn't need the old thing back in the late 70's... it took YEARS for her to get her mental health back. God. I feel so bad for what she went through, looking back from an adult perspective. She suffered in ways I can not fathom.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Bubs: Yes, I have noticed this as well. People who formerly kept their religious opinions to themselves are now out there telling me to "have a blessed day" while I'm shopping for groceries. Even at my job, I have more and more recently seen invoices and other mailings come with religious messages in them. It's not professional and it tends to make me drop that vendor like a hot potato.

Matt: See, the brilliance of the book is that it's written from the point of view of someone who actually performs the deed. And it's a great read for women, too, because it enables much better communication about what you like and don't like.

Jess: Girl, WTF? I'm not even going to ask why you were doing the rhythm method.

Bro: I agree and I am changing doctors. Too many people treat doctors like they can't be wrong about anything. Once you've witnessed their fallibility and been the victim of medical neglect, you wise up a bit on that, or at least you should.

Dave: Maybe your baby momma would like to weigh in?

mnmom: The problem is, when you harrass them, they tend to get all martyr-y.

Bubbles: Frankly, if her personal feelings take precedence over the health of the patient, then she shouldn't be a doctor, period.

SJ said...

Waait a second, what is this, Pops' Bucket? 25 comments and going strong? My god, woman, a little speculum shot and they're all over you. (They won't get any action as you are still utero-intact and have no known means of birth control, you see...)

Grant Miller said...

Abstinance is the only way.

vikkitikkitavi said...

SJ: Nobody is more shocked than I am.

Grant: I've always said that about you.

dguzman said...

Vik--"chew the biscuit"??? Holy shit. And I thought "smashing tacos" was the worst euphemism for chick sex. Wow!

Jess said...

Well, um to be honest... it was more like "I JUST had my period! I think. I probably won't get pregnant."

Ahem. Yeah, that was my version of the rhythm method. I wasn't taking my temperature or anything.

Also, I secretly believed I couldn't get pregnant and Pibb thought the same thing. It was one of those "It couldn't happen to ME!" deals. Plus, maybe I secretly (even from me) WANTED to get pregnant. That thought has crossed my mind.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Just what IS the Bells On record for most comments?

vikkitikkitavi said...

DGuz: Smashing Tacos? I swear there's a band by that name.

Jess: Ah, I see. That's not so much "rhythm method" as "magical thinking."

Randy: Before this post, I think, like, 8.

mcatgarrison said...


p.s. i may have to forward this and the mccain post (the most recent one, ahem) to my dad :) just for funs :)