For Melissa

I was a graduate student living in Pittsburgh when my first husband left me. He was an abusive son of a bitch, but I was still too far immersed in the thing to know that yet.

All I knew was that I wanted him back.

My dad came to visit me a couple of days later. I hadn't told him yet. After a few minutes in my apartment, he asked where my husband was, and I just suddenly and completely broke down. I couldn't stop sobbing, but I managed somehow to communicate what had happened.

This breakdown was really embarrassing for me, because 1) my family is not really very demonstrative emotionally, and I think I'd cried in front of my dad like, one other time in my adult life, and 2) I knew my dad didn't like my husband, and I was afraid he was going to judge my decision to marry him in the first place.

At some point, I managed to stop crying long enough to look at my Dad and say, "I know it's bad, but I want him back. I want him back."

This admission prompted another bout of loud sobbing from me.

Dad was quiet for some time. I eventually calmed down and sat with my head hung, looking at his shoes, waiting for him to speak.

Finally, he said "If you want to get him back, I think you should behave as if you are happy. Because that is when a person is the most attractive to others, when they are happy. And if it doesn't work...then maybe you will have learned how to be happy anyway."

Even in my heartbreak-addled state, I was amazed by the sheer brilliance of this advice.

And you know what? It absolutely worked. I pretended to be happy. I laughed with my friends. I smiled at strangers for no reason. Eventually, I forgot that I was pretending. And so when my husband finally came to me, wanting to be taken back, I told him no.

Because I was happy without him.