Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Post in which all Bluetooth users will comment claiming that they ONLY use it in the car because it's, you know, safer.

My sister posted a rant about those damn Bluetooth talking people.

I can't tell you how many times I have been through some version of this scenario while browsing in a store or otherwise going about my business in public:

Me: (humming tunelessly)
Stranger: (walking toward me) Hello.
Me: Um, hello.
Stranger: (looking right at me) What's up?
Me: Well, not much. Do I know you?
Stranger: (still looking at me) I know, I cannot believe those numbers!
Me: ??? (stranger then turns head so that Bluetooth is visible) Oh, Jesus Christ.

Bluetooth people, if you're going to walk around in public, subjecting strangers to your personal phone conversations, at least have sense enough to keep your eyes cast downward, in an appropriate gesture of humility for your lack of grace. That way the people who still shop while they shop, and drive while they drive, and walk down the street while they walk down the street, can avoid you and not be tricked into thinking that you're actually engaging another member of the human race who is in your physical presence.

But here's the good news! I have a plan to benefit all the crazy-ass homeless people in Los Angeles and other major cities throughout the United States. We simply issue them all Bluetooth headsets. They don't even have to function. We just put the headsets on their heads, and then when they wander the streets, talking nonsense to themselves, they can look important!


michael said...

I've resorted in some cases to dirty looks, this is such annoying behavior. The problem is that these people genuinely don't see you, so if they do register you at that moment, they tend to think it's you bothering them for no reason. Oblivious fucktards, as one of my fave-o-rite bloggers might say.

And yeah, I only have Bluetooth capability in the car, so it is, in fact, like that. I am considering, though, getting a Jawbone appliance for noise-deadening. I really don't want to be seen as an earpiece a-hole, though, so I doubt it ever leaves the car or apartment.

Skylers Dad said...

Keep engaging them in conversation, even when they turn their head and point in their lame-ass attempt to let you know they are important and on a call.

My goal is to actually get them to tell the caller hold on a minute I have an asshole here who doesn't know what bluetooth is and keeps answering me.

Only then will my work be done...

Chris said...

I have never seen anyone around here wearing one of those - ever. Score one for Northern Michigan!

CiscoKid said...

I refuse to get one. I see people all over the place with them and if you think they look ridiculous when they are talking?....
Just look at them when they are just standing around with a beeping lite on their ear....

deadspot said...

You could try screaming "Oh my god, you've got something stuck in your ear!" and then slapping the thing right off their head.

Personally, I think they missed the boat by not naming these things Bananas. Because then if you caught yourself acting like an oblivious fucktard (thanks, michael!) in public, you could excuse yourself by pointing to it and telling the person you just accidentally engaged in conversation, "What's that? I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear." You both would share a chuckle over a remembered Sesame Street moment, and you would seem a lot less like a self-centered jerkwad.

Anon. Blogger said...

I got a big laugh out of the picture of walking up and slapping the thing off of someone's head! LOL, thanks deadspot.

Vikki, your idea of putting dummy Bluetooths (or is it Blueteeth) on crazy people is a great idea. I'll donate the one I have and never use to a homeless person. See, I still apologize to the check-out clerk if my kids call me while I'm checking out at the store. (I *have* to answer because someone could be at home bleeding or something.) I guess I'm so old that I have some vague memory of common courtesy when having an encounter with another human!

Hmmm, you've got me thinking... Scratch my donation. You have given me another great way to cover up my ever worsening mental illness... yeah, that'll work... I'll start wearing it but not turning it on.

deadspot said...

OK, here's how much of a geek I am. My son and I were watching one of the history channels. They were talking about Harald Bluetooth, and I made a comment about "Harald Bluetooth, known for his wireless networking capabilities..." just like it was funny.

kiki said...

but Vik, IT IS SAFER!

i still don't use it though. people who do look like twats. and seriously, how hard is it to hold a phone to your head

vikkitikkitavi said...

Michael: You've resorted to DIRTY LOOKS?!? Man, you must've been PISSED.

SkyDad: Wow, even I am not that passive aggressive. I tend to just say "what the fuck" loud enough that the person they are talking to can here it, like that makes a difference in LA. I'm lame.
Actually, I once had this coworker that, whenever one of the many project managers he reported to pulled that "just a minute while I take this call" shit on him, use to - and I swear to god I am not making this up - make a fake ringing noise, hold up his finger, and take his wallet out, unfold it, and talk into it as if it were a phone.
That man should be worshiped like a god.

Chris: Alright, fine. Let's see, that makes it Northern Michigan - 1, Civilization - 5,000,000,000,000.

CiscoK: At least the beeping light could serve as a kind of lighthouse for normal people: Warning! Self-involvement on your starboard bow!

DeadSp: Los Angeles is WAY too litigious for a move like that.

AnonBlog: I dunno, I would be much more favorably disposed toward someone who merely talks to herself in public.

CiscoK: You probably would've beaten me to the joke by about .5 seconds.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Kiki: Actually, insurance studies show that it is not really any safer to talk to someone hands-free. What's safer is to not talk on a cell phone at all. RE: the difference between talking to someone who's in the car with you, and someone who's on the phone, is that the person in the car with you would normally be giving you visual cues about your environment that could actually improve your response time. Whereas the person on the phone lures you away from your physical environment.

Not that you asked.

MonstrousJoe said...

I love that beer commercial where the hot babe is talking to the dork with his head in the beer cooler.. but she's actually talking to me on her bluetooth headset.. it rocks... FYI, JC says, 'What up?'

GETkristiLOVE said...

We have a neighbor that we call 'the crazy lady' because she exhibits strange behavior all the time. She came to the door last week to ask that our wood pile be restacked (it had fallen over and was an eye sore to her I guess) and she made sure to wear her bluetooth headset for the trip over to our house. She also wears it when she's playing ball with her dog in the back yard. Like you said, at least now when she talks to herself, she appears to be on the phone.