And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs

I saw my first McCain bumper sticker today. It said “McCain 08: Appeasement is Not the Answer,” and it made me so angry that I very nearly rear-ended the cranky old white dude (what else?) behind the wheel. It wasn’t just that the driver was a McCain supporter, it was that of all the moronic ideas that the Republicans have ever sold to cranky old white dudes everywhere, that whole “appeasement” thing is just about the stupidest. No wonder the likes of Limbaugh and Hannity are constantly harping on it.

Man, if any of you readers out there remember when the Vietnam War was on tv every night, then you know that it’s the same shit warmed over. Getting out is an act of cowardice, blah, blah, blah. McCain in particular seems to have a problem with the resolution of the Vietnam War, I think because he resents spending all those years in the POW camp from hell just to watch us skedaddle out of country so fast that the door most definitely did not hit us on the ass on the way out.

In other words, McCain has issues.

You know what would be interesting? To have someone in the audience at one of his events call him a coward. Just to see the boiling mad, vein-popping, fist-clenching, lobster-faced meltdown that would result.

So, well, little Johnny made a speech today in which he offers us some modest predictions for the end of his first term as President of the United States:

By January 2013, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom.

See? He’s getting off on the wrong foot right away. What in the sam hell does Iraq have to do with our freedom? Now, if he wanted to make a “we broke it, we bought it” argument about Iraq, I’d listen to him. I wouldn’t agree, but I’d listen. But if he wants me to consider the premise that meddling in the affairs of Muslim countries makes us, in spite of the vows of every Muslim extremist on earth, more safe, he’d have to do more than just say it. He’d have to EXPLAIN EXACTLY HOW THAT WORKS. And I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that he can’t.

The Iraq War has been won. Iraq is a functioning democracy, although still suffering from the lingering effects of decades of tyranny and centuries of sectarian tension. Violence still occurs, but it is spasmodic and much reduced.

Hey, Mr. Maverick, why so modest? As long as you’re dreaming, dream big!

Civil war has been prevented; militias disbanded; the Iraqi Security Force is professional and competent; al Qaeda in Iraq has been defeated; and the Government of Iraq is capable of imposing its authority in every province of Iraq and defending the integrity of its borders.

There ya go. That’s more like it. But he forgot to say that the Sunni and the Shia are, like, totally BFF now. Oh, wait. I forgot that he’s not really sure who those people are. On second thought, best not to mention it at all. I mean, unless Lieberman were there, in which case he would let McCain crib from his notes.

The United States maintains a military presence there, but a much smaller one, and it does not play a direct combat role.

Wait a sec. That one must be a mistake. Because if our current president is to be believed, this has already happened.

The threat from a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan has been greatly reduced but not eliminated. U.S. and NATO forces remain there to help finish the job, and continue operations against the remnants of al Qaeda. The Government of Pakistan has cooperated with the U.S. in successfully adapting the counterinsurgency tactics that worked so well in Iraq and Afghanistan to its lawless tribal areas where al Qaeda fighters are based.

This is my favorite one. As if…hold on…I have to stop laughing for a minute so I can type…AS IF ALL that’s holding back the Government of Pakistan from getting rid of al Qaeda is knowledge of the awesome tactics we employed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Oh my god, I can’t help it readers, that just cracks me the fuck up.

The increase in actionable intelligence that the counterinsurgency produced led to the capture or death of Osama bin Laden, and his chief lieutenants.

Yeah, because it’s worked so well so far.

There is no longer any place in the world al Qaeda can consider a safe haven. Increased cooperation between the United States and its allies in the concerted use of military, diplomatic, and economic power and reforms in the intelligence capabilities of the United States has disrupted terrorist networks and exposed plots around the world.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we already have cooperation with our allies, right? I mean, isn’t that why they’re allies? What we really need is some cooperation from our enemies. Because…they’re the ones that are screwing us…I’m pretty sure.

Oh, but see, there’s that nasty appeasement bugaboo again. Never mind. Let’s just keep asking our allies for more and more cooperation. I’m sure that will work eventually.

There still has not been a major terrorist attack in the United States since September 11, 2001.

Remember readers, he PROMISED!

You may feel some discomfort

So, I’m calling my gynie’s office because I’m overdue for an annual on my cooch, and as I finished my business and was about to hang up, the receptionist says “Please be aware that the doctor no longer prescribes birth control pills.”

The phone was halfway to the cradle. I pull it back. “What?”

“The doctor no longer prescribes birth control pills.”

“Okaaaay,” I say. I am not concerned because I need a prescription; I no longer take birth control pills, partly because I am too old but also because they may (or may not, depending on which we-don’t-really-give-a-shit-about-women’s-icky-health-problems half-assed theory you subscribe to) exacerbate the symptoms of my uterine fibroid tumors.

I know. Ew. Tumors. I guess I should have given you guys some warning that I was about to drop the misshapen lady parts bomb. So sorry.

“So, we’ll see you 3 weeks from Tuesday,” the nurse says, trying to end the call.

“Wait a minute. What kind of birth control method does she recommend, then?”

“The doctor counsels her patients on the rhythm method.”

I had to quickly check my watch to see what year it was. Had the retrograde policies of the Bush administration caused time to literally run backward, I wondered?

“I see,” I said. It occurred to me that my Latina doctor was a likely Catholic. “And this decision…is it…well, is it based on the doctor’s own personal morality?”

“Yes.”

I was expecting her to sound defensive, but it was actually more like weariness.

“I understand,” I said, and hung up. But readers, I did not understand.

I do not understand.

To tell the truth, my disillusionment with this doctor had begun several years ago. I'd had a myomectomy to remove aforementioned fibroids ten years previously, and they had returned again. Upon learning this, my doctor advised me to get rid of my uterus. Wait, I protested, I’m not ready to give up on the old gal just yet. She’s got a few more years on her.

“You’re what? 42? You don’t really need it anymore,” she said.

Gulp.

“I need it,” I offered, weakly. “I might need it.”

She just looked at me.

“Wait, isn’t there a good chance that my sex drive will disappear if you just yank it?”

“It’s possible, yes.”

“I NEED my sex drive.”

She shrugged and made some marks on my chart that no doubt were doctor speak for “delusional old slut,” and left.

The encounter stung. It was bad enough that she considered me past my prime and no longer in need of a good shag, but to deliver the news while I was sitting on that table in that goddamn fucking unflattering neurosis-enabling paper gown, well, let’s just say that that doctor ain’t no kind of sister.

After that, I only saw the nurse practitioner. And the great part is that the nurse was definitely a sister. At every check-up, she would ask me about my fibroids, and I would tell her about my research, and the changes I had made to my diet and how well it was controlling my symptoms, and she would confide a tip from another patient who was also doing what I was doing, and for a while that was fine with me. It felt subversive to be sneaking around the doctor’s back, just me and my uterus hanging around, thumbing our noses at her so-called medical expertise.

But now this. The rhythm method, for fuck’s sake.

I called the office back and cancelled the appointment. Because I remembered, what’s the principal precept of the medical arts?

First, do no harm.

Unless you’re a Catholic, of course, in which case feel free to do all the harm you want while upholding your own personal medieval beliefs about sex not being for pleasure but only to create other Catholics. Feel free to enforce a method that all but guarantees a woman will have more children, no matter what her own personal will may be, or to what extent her own health may necessitate the opposite. And while you’re at it, why not just tell her to put the lime in the coconut, and call you in the morning.

What a piece of shit excuse for a doctor, man. I mean, really. They ought to pull that bitch’s license, or transfer it to some country where women are lucky to even escape puberty with their clitoris still attached.

Yeah, she’d be a radical feminist in the Sudan.

Then, on top of all this, I heard today that the Vatican has suggested that there might be life on other planets. Life made by the one true Catholic God, you understand, but still.

Say what? Aliens from outer space? That’s funny, because I don’t remember that being mentioned in the Bible. Did I skip that part, the part about “Blessed are those from another world, for their proclivity for anal probes shall convey the homosexual fears of delusional rednecks throughout the rural Southern United States”?

So, the Pope is willing to admit that the Bible might have omitted the mention of an entire universe filled with other non-human beings, but women…still not allowed to fuck for fun, eh? Still better to get AIDS than to use a condom, huh? Gals still not worthy to serve in the priesthood, right? And god still hates fags, of course.

Well, fuck that nonsense, and pass the yellow pages. I needs to find me another cooch doc.

Eat of this lemon raspberry cake with buttercream frosting, for it be my body. Drink of this Mumm's champagne, for it be my blood.

You know, I’m kinda feeling for Jenna Bush. She tries so hard, y’all! First of all, she overcame her party girl image and let the world know that she does, you know, think about poor people and stuff.

Then, she chose a nice Republican boy to marry. One that, since he started out as an intern to Karl Rove, should know how to keep it mum about her daddy’s secret drinking.

And what does she get in return? A cheap-ass Texas wedding on her family’s pretend ranch.

Not only that, but her daddy builds his own permanent, giant monument to his love for Jesus, and makes her get married right in front of it.

Yeah, how would you like to spend your entire wedding ceremony being reminded that Jesus died for your registry?

He died for your Cuisinart, and he died for your Lalique crystal, and he most especially died for your 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, which are to die for.

And HBO still owes me one for Arliss

Ooooh, is the Miami Herald getting its panties in a bunch over the upcoming HBO movie about the 2000 Florida recount?

In a story called “Hollywood puts a spin on 2000 recount,” the MH says that those politicos who were actually involved in that clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks are “expecting as much Hollywood spin as political fact.”

Wow, the MH likes the word “spin.” Perhaps they really haven’t let go of the 90s.

They go on to quote Mac Stipanovich, a former advisor to Katherine “Clownface” Harris, as saying “They won't be able to resist overdoing it because of Katherine Harris and because the way it usually happens is not the way it usually looks in the movies.”

Nice quote, Mac. You know, usually you have to go to a lawn jockey clearance sale for such keen political and cultural insight.

But where’s the MH’s evidence that Hollywood is, in fact, spinning?

This is, I’m afraid, as much as they could muster:

A good example of the Hollywood-ization: Actress Laura Dern, playing Harris, appeared in pancake makeup and what appeared to be an over-stuffed bra while riding a horse, in a replay of Harris' famed rodeo appearance when she ran for Congress -- two years after the recount.

Oh, dear. Miami Herald, this is, as my mom used to say, going to hurt me as much as it does you.

First of all, here is a photo of Laura Dern playing Katherine Harris:

And here’s the real deal:

Now, exactly how is Dern’s bra overstuffed? How exactly is her makeup too heavy? If anything, Harris should be overjoyed that she's being played by someone, um, attractive. Don't get me wrong, Harris has got a body like the proverbial brick shithouse, but she's one of those gals that my college roommates used to joke was a better fuck with a bag over her head.

C'mon. I am not being that mean. Take another look:

I have two words: blue eyeshadow. Blue motherfucking eyeshadow, readers. Do not even try to defend the heinousness of lid-to-brow pastel blue eyeshadow. Do. Not.

But more importantly, since the MH means to call out HBO on a historical point, the banner on Dern’s horse clearly indicates that the scene is taking place not during the recount, but during Harris’s subsequent congressional campaign/term.

I don’t know about you, but I think the Miami Herald owes HBO an apology.

Hey, is that Viki Buchanan Crip Walking down the 405?

Hold on to your seven signs of the apocalypse, folks.

We got us a Snoop Dogg cameo on One Life to Live:





And yes, he did re-record the theme as well.

Lazy-ass no-account porch monkeys for Obama

Hillary Clinton in an interview with USA Today (emphasis mine):

"I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on.”…As evidence, Clinton cited an Associated Press article "that found how Sen. Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me."

Oh, Hillary. I’m just not sure what you’re about anymore, except maybe making everyone kind of hate you. You made a big deal of your squeaker in Indiana, but you don’t really think you can justify staying in the race by winning a state that has voted for a Democrat exactly ONCE (Johnson over Goldwater in ’64) since 1936, do you?

Look, even in 1996, when every other non-retard-ruled state said hell to the no to Dole, Indiana stood out like an idiotic Republican dot surrounded by a sea of sensible Democratude.

Don't have a heart attack. This map is pre-2000 political affiliation color assignment.

Just look at that shit. People ask what’s the matter with Kansas, but I say what the fuck is in the fucking corn in Indiana, dude, that they so stubbornly refused to face the facts that their Midwestern neighbors already knew: the 90s are going well. Don’t fuck it up.

Now, Hillary has become the last guest at the party. The one that won’t take a hint, even when we put on our pajamas and start turning out the lights. But not only is she rummaging through our CD collection and wondering aloud why there’s no more beer left, she’s doing it while also making boorish, racially-charged comments designed to make one host wonder whether the other might get out of bed and shiv him in the middle of night.

I understand that if there is even the slightest chance remaining in Hillary’s mind that she and Bill might be able to pull a delegate coup, she will stay in the race. To her, it is worth it. What she has not considered, I think, is that to the majority of us, it is not worth it. In fact, it hurts. It hurts a lot. And if she were truly the woman she says she is, she would start thinking about that.

Bells On Recommends

EVEREST

Saw these guys do a show at Amoeba Records last night in Hollywood. So, so, so fucking good. Okay, I happen to know them as well, but I'm not kidding, they are going to be huge.

Their first CD, Ghost Notes, is just out on Vapor Records, and it's only $10.99 on Amazon. You know what you could do? Stick it in your shopping cart, and then the next time you need, like, 10 bucks more on your order so that you can get the free shipping - there you are!

Digging the future

Oh, lord, people.

I think Bush is like officially now the least popular president EVAH, and yet I can barely muster up an “I told you so, you fucking stupid wankers.”

Sometimes I find myself wondering why I don’t get more upset over horrible news like, oh…the millions of girls that will never be born in India. So, couples are using ultrasound to find out the sex of their baby, and then aborting the girls. Fine. Because you know why? Eventually, girls will become just rare enough that they will finally be valuable. Maybe even to the point where families will no longer have to pay grooms huge dowries to take the poor useless females off their hands. Ugh. I’m sorry, dear memory of my favorite Beatle, but Indian culture sucks ass. It seems like if they’re not immolating brides, they’re pushing untouchables into fires. Plus, they really overreacted to the whole Richard Gere thing.

And thankfully, LA made it through our annual May Day rallies without our municipal marine corps, AKA the LAPD, getting all medieval on the participants. Yeah, cops are found of saying that when you throw perps up against the wall and go through their pockets, you don’t find a lot of MENSA cards, but let me tell you, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you shouldn’t wail on reporters right in front of their camera crews.

My city has quite the vested interest, as you might imagine, in the whole immigration issue. And I guess, after much turmoil, I have come to the conclusion that the only way it will ever get fixed is to first get it really really good and broken.

I am therefore all in favor of enforcing current immigration policy. We’ll never enact any meaningful change to the existing laws until we first see exactly how ridiculous they are. Because tolerance of illegal workers allows businesses to avoid the paying the kind of wages that U.S. citizens quite rightfully demand. And illegal workers cannot complain about hazardous or unhealthy conditions, either, and the consequences of that is the creation of a corrupt, dangerous, immoral third world-type sub-economy right in the middle of our own country. If you don’t believe me, visit the place where your meat comes from.

Go on, I dare you.

So what am I saying? I guess that it’s hard sometimes to believe in change happening in a healthy way, when it only seems to come about after we get ourselves into a serious “oh, shit” situation. Like where we finally are now with 43’s administration. Finally, 71% of us are deeply into “oh, shit” mode. What do alcoholics call it? Rock bottom. Or, as one ex-husband used to say, what’s the first thing you do when you’re trying to get yourself out of hole?

Stop digging.

Sure, it sounds simple enough, and yet, according to Gallup, McCain is currently running at 48%.

(Credit, or, I'm sorry, blame for prompting this post goes to my sweet Joshua, formerly of LA. Come back, ya wicked sorry-ass bastard. Hating on W ain't the same without ya.)

Bells On Presents: Reviews of Movies You've Already Seen

Daniel Day Lewis is the little-known "Mountie" character from The Village People.

I was astounded to learn that Paul Thomas Anderson's movie There Will Be Blood did NOT go over its $25 million budget during production. Isn't that amazing? I mean, they must have had to replace the chewed-up scenery after every take with Daniel Day Lewis, right?

Also, if you can sit through the ending without uttering some version of "You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!" then you must be a big fan of the "why the fuck not?" school of filmmaking.

If I had written the promotional copy for this film, it would have said: "No one will remain seated during the thrilling '20 minutes of two guys surveying a piece of land' scene!"

Now, for the tally of P.T. Anderson films:

Hard Eight: Meh. Nice little movie I know I saw, but can't remember much about other than Paltrow really annoyed me.

Boogie Nights: Fucking scary brilliant movie. Seen it 30 times, could see it 30 more.

Magnolia: A lot of my friends hate this movie, but I love it. Also from the "why the fuck not?" school of filmmaking, but somehow for me it works. (Maybe, if Anderson had hired William Macy to play the lead in TWBB, all would've been forgiven.) Also, the Aimee Mann soundtrack is haunting and beautiful. Also, Tom Cruise is actually really good in it, which is a singular achievement in my book.

Punch-Drunk Love: A romantic comedy that is neither romantic nor funny, and Adam Sandler in the lead is one of the worst pieces of stunt casting since Steve Martin in Pennies from Heaven: I appreciate the notion, but you got to be able to act, too, dude.

There Will Be Blood: Should've been called There Will Be Academy Award Nominations.

Forgetting Lilly Ledbetter

(Image brought to you by the magic of MS Paint.)

Last year, the Supreme Court, rounded out in recent years by the evil minions of 43, made a really bad decision. A decision whose logic was almost as twisted as the Bush v. Gore uber-fiasco of 2000.

Bush v. Gore boiled down to “counting votes is no way to determine who won an election.”

The decision in Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Company held that the statute of limitations clock (180 days) regarding employment discrimination starts running at the first instance of discrimination, even if that discrimination is not known to the employee at the time that it occurred.

If that doesn’t sound retarded enough to you yet, then you haven’t heard the specifics.

Ledbetter, who was a manager at a Goodyear store, was paid 15 - 40% less than her male colleagues during the twenty years she worked there. The trouble is, because salary information was confidential, she didn’t know it. She was unaware of the discrimination until she received an anonymous note informing her of the discrepancy.

Although she took action in the appropriate amount of time from the event that caused her to become aware of the discrimination, the court ruled that, as I said, the clock started ticking on her claim of pay discrimination on the date of the first paycheck in which she was paid less.

So Ledbetter had 180 days from the event that she didn’t know had taken place to make her claim.

Nevertheless, the Supreme Court said in their decision that, by the way, reversed the award given by a lower court, that Ledbetter “could have, and should have, sued” when the decision to discriminate against her was first made.

She could have? How could she have? That remark is rather obviously, um, just steeped in wrongness and idiocy, even for the black robe crowd.

Also obvious to me is that the discrimination was ongoing, and since the opportunity to stop the discrimination was available every time a paycheck was issued, each paycheck represented a separate act of discrimination.

Enter Edward Kennedy, who decided that if the Supreme Court is just going to be blatantly assholeish about the whole thing, then he’s going to introduce legislation that would clarify that pay discrimination is an ongoing event.

Do I have to even tell you that the in killing the bill, the Senate voted along party lines?

Do I have to even tell you that our genius president threatened to veto the bill anyway?

Also, I am proud to report that both Clinton and Obama returned to the Senate to support the bill.

Who didn’t return? And who released a statement saying he doesn’t support the bill?

John “Maverick!” McCain, and here’s his statement:

"I am all in favor of pay equity for women, but this kind of legislation, as is typical of what's being proposed by my friends on the other side of the aisle, opens us up to lawsuits for all kinds of problems…This is government playing a much, much greater role in the business of a private enterprise system."

You hear that? He’s all in favor of women getting equal pay for equal work. Gee, Mr. Maverick, that’s awful white of you, considering that it’s…you know…the law.

What he’s not in favor of, apparently, is women being able to sue to ensure that the law is enforced.

First of all: us. Opens “us” up to lawsuits. Geez, the last time I looked, my name was not Vikkitikkitavi Goodyear motherfuckin Tire & Rubber. What do you mean us, Kemosabe?

Secondly, well, damn, but when you break the goddamn law, it’s SUPPOSED to open you up to lawsuits, at the very least, am I right? Can we not even fucking agree on THAT anymore? I mean, just how far do you have to have your head up the ass of corporate interests that you can stand up as a national presidential candidate and say “c’mon folks, obeying the law really interferes with their ability to make money.”

Not only that, but, I’m sorry ya crusty old dude, but that whole “government playing a much, much greater role in the business of a private enterprise system”…say the fuck what?

What’s the greater role? There’s no greater role. The great role, my friend (And are we sick yet, by the way, of McCain’s sarcastic “my friends” sniping? I know I am.) was played in 1963 and 1964, when the Equal Pay Act and the Civil Rights Act dragged us collectively, kicking and screaming, into the era of civiligoddamnzation. That was the great motherfucking role, you disingenuous piece of shit. And I’m sure if you’d have been president at the time, we’d still be fighting to pass that legislation.

In short, (is it too late for short?) McCain is NOT for pay equity for women, because if he were, he wouldn’t be telling Lilly Ledbetter to fuck off, would he? He wouldn’t be on his knees planting a big smooch on the soft, fat, white asses of corporate America, would he?

Perhaps John “Maverick” McCain should change his name to John “Still the same good old boy I was when I was better known as one of the Keating Five” McCain, after all.

This is not really a bad post about Hillary

You would think that the story out of yesterday’s primary is that so many Democrats still feel so strongly about Hillary. You’d think journalists would look at the results of the Pennsylvania primary and say to themselves “Why does Clinton inspire such loyalty? I’ve got to get to the bottom of this!”

But alas, you would not only be wrong, you’d be a creature from some alien world, maybe New Zealand, where journalists do things like try to find out facts, instead of whine about how things aren’t turning out the way they liked, or the way they predicted they would.

By the way, is it just me, or has this Democratic primary started to feel like a game of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots?

Remember how fucking boring that game was? I mean, what’s the fun of knocking someone’s block off, if the voters in Pennsylvania can press it right back on again?

Look, as much as I would like this contest to be over, so the winner can start concentrating on convincing the American public of McCain’s gigantic asshattery, it’s not over. And Clinton’s got a right to run whatever kind of campaign she thinks will get her the win, and that’s exactly what she’s doing. And clearly, there are large numbers of Pennsylvania blue-collar voters who don’t hate the game, they hate the playah. They don’t want to see any rules rewritten, they just want to fucking win, because they’ve been losing for a long-ass time. In other words, they are way past feeling such a thing as hope, and even if they weren’t, hope is sure as hell not going to come in the form of a black man with a strange name whose minister wears a dashiki.

One might argue, by the way, that those voters, while Democrats on paper, are very likely to vote for McCain in the fall anyway, even if Clinton does win the primary. Because a large majority of them are political meat-heads who vote Guns & God and cannot draw an inference from the $177 million per day that we are spending in Iraq, and the infrastructure of our country crumbling all around them.

Or, in other words, the Republican base.

One trend I can definitely do without, however, is the endless spin on whether women who favor Obama over Clinton are post-feminist, anti-feminist, or simply voting against her because she reminds them of their mother. And click on that link if you don’t fucking believe me that that theory has been floated, and you know – goddammit but I wish I’d thought of that theory! Because I could definitely squeeze a lucrative book deal out of a premise as stupid and as insulting to women as that one is.

But I going to act as unlike an American journalist as I can for a moment, and speak only for myself: I think either candidate would make a fine president. And a word to a few of you gals who have been hectoring me about preferring Obama: if being a feminist requires me to vote for a woman, then we’d all be looking back in horror at the Elizabeth Dole presidency right about now.

I prefer Obama over Clinton because I think Clinton too often votes on the side of political expediency. It’s a simple as that. Clinton claims that she was tricked into voting for the Iraq war, but I’m not buying it. I remember that there were lots of people questioning the intel on WMD, and lots of people questioning the wisdom of giving that all-hat-no-cattle douchebag the power to wage war without further consent of the Congress. Look, if I was smart enough to know not to vote for that war, then Clinton was too, and yet she did it. What constituted the difference between her and me on that issue?

The difference is, I don’t have to run for reelection. I’m just an asshole with a blog.

And being a mere mortal, I enjoy infinite freedom to not only use my brain to analyze the information I am given, but to use my heart too, to guide me. My heart told me that Bush was a no-good fucking liar with an avarice-covered lump of coal where his soul should be, no matter what all those fucking charts and aerial photos and vials of powder oh-so-earnestly held aloft by formerly well-intentioned Secretaries of State said.

And I believe, in this heart of mine, that Hillary knew it was all bullshit as well. But she voted otherwise.

She did it, I think, because the political wisdom at the time said that to vote against the war would've been career suicide. Political wisdom was plumb wrong, as it turned out. She should’ve listened to her heart, perhaps, if I can be so corny as to suggest that such things are even possible anymore.

I do think she has a heart. I know she can cry tears for herself and for all the genuinely unfair things people have said about her. Whether she can still put that heart to use for our collective good, is still out for the vote.

But I hope she proves me wrong. I really do. You don’t know how much.

Born to run?

While Bruce Springsteen’s endorsement of Barack Obama was at first considered to be a campaign coup for the embattled Democratic candidate, subsequent scrutiny of the Oscar-winning singer/songwriter have revealed a number of troublesome opinions and positions, not the least of which is his characterization of the working-class people of New Jersey as “tramps” with “no place left to hide” who cling to their “hemi-powered drones” and “suicide machines.”

He has also insulted lower- and higher-income Americans alike with his assertions that “poor man wanna be rich, rich man wanna be king” and that America’s factory workers are dangerously bitter and unbalanced, stating that they “walk through these gates with death in their eyes.”

He has even gone so far as to criticize the troops, stating that while our Vietnam War enemies, the Vietcong, are “still there,” our veterans of that war are “all gone.”

Even the institution of Christianity is not safe from attack, as is clear from Springsteen’s charge that “God’s drifting in heaven,” and that the “Devil’s in the mailbox.” Clearly he means to intimate that the Christian God is a flip-flopper, while Satan is as accessible as the latest offer from Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Many Christians have also objected to the endorsement of premarital sex and birth control implicit in his statement that “Bobby said he’d pull out, Bobby stayed in,” and also that the resulting child, born out of wedlock, “wasn’t any sin.”

Indeed, not unlike the candidate he is endorsing, many have speculated that Springsteen may have at one time been a practicing Muslim, perhaps even a member of Al-Qaida, as witnessed by references to a “dry and troubled country” beneath “Allah’s blessed rain,” which administration intelligence sources have, under condition of anonymity, conjectured may lie in the mountainous Tora-Bora region of Afghanistan. While collusion with anti-American militants may seem unlikely for a man of Springsteen’s fame and stature, Clinton campaign staffers have sent out emails reminding voters that Springsteen is the same man who once asked an accomplice to “pick up a little dynamite,” while he would “pick up a little gun.” While it’s not clear what his plan to “make that highway run” would have accomplished, his choice of co-conspirator, an otherwise unknown young woman named Rosalita, makes clear that his feelings regarding illegal immigration are not in keeping with the majority of the American public’s.

These colors don't run

Oh, look, a quiz for all you media types out there. Read the quote, and then answer the following questions.

“I think religion has always tried to turn hatred towards gay people. Religion promotes the hatred and spite against gays...From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate.”

1. Who said it?

2. Which Democratic presidential candidate does he/she support?


Give up?



Well, Elton John said it, that fucking dangerous gay-ass hatemonger. And you know, some idiots would say that all gay people have a more than adequate reason to be suspicious of religion, but I say fuck that! How dare that intolerant asshole have the intolerance to call religion intolerant! He hates religion, is what, and I'm pretty sure it's not just because religion hated him first.

And secondly, didn't that seditious limey just host a big fundraiser for Hillary Clinton? Hm? Sooo...where are all the questions for Hillary questioning her ties to this terrorist fop? Huh? What about it, Misters Stephanopoulos and Gibson? Were you sleeping on the job last night, or what? I can't believe you can live with yourselves, asking...I think there must have been at least one policy question last night, right? Anyway, I can't believe you dared to ask about policy when there were questions to be raised about a candidate and her gay devil-worshiping campaign slave!

Well, let's hop to it, boys! No dozing allowed, when there are journalistic standards to be lowered! David Brooks, who gave you an "A" for your performance last night BTW, said in the New York Times that "the journalist’s job is to make politicians uncomfortable," which...okay... is a little weird to me, I must admit, because I kind of thought that the journalist's job was to report news, but hey! Far be it for me to lecture to a NEW YORK TIMES COLUMNIST about journalism!

Especially one who states that Michael Dukakis's veto of a measure requiring that the Pledge of Allegiance be recited by Massachusetts schoolchildren was quite rightly a key issue of the 1988 presidential campaign, or, as he puts it, "We may not like it, but issues like Jeremiah Wright, flag lapels and the Tuzla airport will be important in the fall. Remember how George H.W. Bush toured flag factories to expose Michael Dukakis. It’s legitimate to see how the candidates will respond to these sorts of symbolic issues."

Oh, he's so right! That's why he's a NEW YORK TIMES COLUMNIST, because he understands important issues like flags, and flag pins, and pledges to flags.

And as for the importance of making politicians uncomfortable, it is my sincere hope that Stephanopoulos, Gibson, and dear Mr. Brooks aren't all one day replaced by a urinary tract infection.

Bitters and tonic

Yes, I’ll admit that I was one of those that heard how horrible Obama’s recent comments were about some small-town Pennsylvania residents before I heard the actual comments. And then when I did hear them, I kept waiting for the horrible part.

For the record, here it is:

“But the truth is, is that, our challenge is to get people persuaded that we can make progress when there's not evidence of that in their daily lives. You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. So it's not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Now you point out to me the part of that that isn’t absofuckinglutely true.

Or call me elitist, I guess. But you’ll have to call me an elitist from a town exactly like the one that Obama is on about. And as for my knowledge of Pennsylvania, well, I can tell you that the guy putting his French fries under his sandwich bun is from Pittsburgh, and the gal buying Cheez Whiz is from Philly. I spent 6 years in Pennsylvania, and I’ve toured Erie, Scranton, Altoona, Lancaster, York, Reading, Wilkes-Barre, Johnstown, Harrisburg, and every tiny shithole in between. I’ve been broke down in the middle of the night on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and subsequently spent two days cooling my heels in the flea-speck coal-mining town of Charleroi. I’ve been swimming in the Monongahela in my underwear, and I’ve stumbled out of club in Philly at 2 a.m. in a bad neighborhood and in bad company. And let me tell you, I sure did laugh out loud when I saw the young men in The Deer Hunter drinking Rolling Rock, because everyone knows, Mr. Cimino, that they should’ve been drinking Iron City.

Sorry about the PA-credential waving, but I’m getting a little tired of being accused of being a snob just because I think it’s better to face the truth about the futility of some people’s lives than to blow smoke up their ass about how all they need is Jesus, the flag, and a gun to call their own. Yes, those people are fucking bitter, and goddamn it, they have every fucking right to be. They got screwed. And no one has done a damn thing about it except promise them it will get better, but it never does.

The funny thing is, that if it were not for Reagan, who is still beloved by so many of the cluelessly bitter, things might have gone very differently for many of them. It was Reagan, more than any of the others, who unleashed the dogs of deregulation upon them, and yet most of them still regard him as someone who looked out for them in a fatherly kind of way, not as someone who pulled the rug out from under them and set them adrift in various bleak corners of America, where they have, over the years, become gradually more and more grateful for a job at the local Wal-Mart. Yeah, the Wal-Mart, where they can buy the very foreign-made products that are the reason their lives are in the crapper in the first place! Yeah! Fuckin’ irony! Woo hoo!

So what exactly does one say to people who still idolize those who screwed them? Do you say “Good for you, you god-fearing people! You are the salt of the earth!” Or, do you dare to be called elitist, and say something more along the lines of WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!!!

Not that it’s likely to do much good. I mean, this, this whole deal is some tough shit for humans. You see it all the time, you know, where someone is hurt in some way by a loved one, whether it’s a parent, or a spouse, or a lover, and when they’re abused, wounded, hurting, where do they go for comfort? Isn’t it frequently to that same loved one? It makes no sense, and yet, it is kind of who we are. It is the essence of being human, in a way, to look to those who have hurt us to make the hurting stop. Because who else can wound us as deeply as those who love us the most?

C’mon, y’all know what I’m talking about. Having learned where to go for love, it is a damn difficult thing to unlearn, no matter the urgency. And I’ll wager that there are a good many of us that have been struggling with some version of this dilemma our whole lives. And we’d be lucky, damn smart and lucky, if we ever figured it out. If we ever.

And there is some little nugget of that propensity at work in our social and political lives, isn’t there? Oh, one could argue, I suppose, that it was a politically unwise thing to do, for Obama to speak such truths. After all, the Democrats supposedly can’t win if we don’t pander to those who think that immigrants, gays and feminists are the cause of all their problems. But if Obama’s not the guy who speaks, as they say, the inconvenient truths, then who the fuck is he? Not the guy he started out to be.

So as far as I’m concerned, the antidote to too much truth is more fucking truth. And you know what? I’ll bet there are lots of voters out there who feel the same way. I’m starting to wonder if Obama isn’t the electoral embodiment of that old “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” chestnut. It’s certainly confounding to the Republicans that he is responding to these pseudo-scandals by refusing to tuck tail and hide, and hey, me likey whatever confounds the Republicans.

And lastly, I have to say that the my-every-campaign-move-is-one-big-sloppy-valentine-
to-the-Republicans award this week goes to Hillary. In trying to make hay out of Obama’s statements, Hillary referred to him as someone who, for example, “goes to a closed-door fundraiser in San Francisco, and makes comments that do seem elitist, out-of-touch, and frankly, patronizing.”

San Francisco.

Get it?

San Francisco.

Hillary very carefully makes sure we all know where he was. In San Francisco, that tried-and-true Republican code name for immoral latte-swilling immigrant sodomizing atheist liberals.

Except it’s Hillary saying it. It’s Hillary invoking the stereotype we usually have to go to a Sean Hannity or a Rush Limbaugh to enjoy. Hillary, calling forth the San Francisco bogeyman against another member of her own party.

I’m sorry, but of all the dirty names I could stomach her calling Obama, the one I least expected was “Democrat.”

'Cause if I ever get outta here, I'm going to Kathmandu

NEPAL IS…

• a democratic republic

• a former monarchy

• home to 8 of 10 of the highest mountains in the world

• the world’s 83^rd largest economy

• primarily Hindu

• an exporter of jute, leather, and carpets

NEPAL IS NOT…

• Tibet

No, it’s not, no matter how many times (4, btw) our NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR (you know, the dude who assesses risks to the United States from foreign countries) mistakes one for the other.

Look Steve, sweetie, the Chinese are taking heat for Tibet. Tibet. You know, as in “Free Tibet.” You might have seen it on a bumper sticker or two. Tibet, as in Richard Gere and the Dalai Lama, and Buddhist monks, etc. Tibet! Everyone’s been talking about it for years.

I sure hope, if McCain gets elected, that he doesn’t retain Steve Hadley as his NSA director. Because between McCain, who can’t tell Shiite from Shinola, and this dude, I think…well, let’s just say that they definitely want to stay away from “World Geography” as their go-to Jeopardy! category.

Bad girlfriend

How could I have let this whole day go by without telling y'all that it's my Spooney's birthday today?


Uh-oh. Looks like my man's been celebrating a bit too hard, and he's done got hisself in trouble with the law. Gotta go sweet-talk a flatfoot, readers. Have a good weekend.

Come back, flesh-eating zombies, all is forgiven!

Boy, if there’s one thing that watching all those clips of the recently departed Charlton Heston’s movies has brought into stark relief, it’s what a bad actor he was. Witness:

Wowzie. You have to admit that the man was in a league of badness all his own. Even the Shatner has a kind of overblown brilliance about him, but Heston, man, it’s just brutal. Bad brutal. Like your high school drama club in Technicolor ECU.

But before y’all go assuming that I’m just hating on the late great Chuck Heston for the whole NRA thing, let me set you straight. I don’t disrespect him for letting the NRA make a doddering, rifle-waving fool out of him, I disrespect him for very nearly ruining one of my favorite movies of all time, Touch of Evil. In it, Mr. Heston, under a thick layer of Max Factor - Swarthy #23, plays a Mexican lawyer named Ramon Vargas.

In terms of credibility, I’d rank his performance right up there with Sean Connery as a Russian submarine commander.

And speaking of bad Heston films, I just watched the recent remake of Omega Man, this time called I Am Legend, and starring Will Smith. Like the first version, the only really interesting part of the movie is pre-zombie. Once the zombie shit starts blowing up, all the carefully constructed premises of the first half of the film are quickly abandoned in order to make shit blow up louder, faster, and bigger.

One thing that really bugged me about the movie, I have to say, is the boring chick that shows up for the second half. It’s completely unbelievable that such an excruciatingly tepid gal could’ve survived in zombie land for one day, let alone 3 years. They should’ve gotten a chick like Sigourney Weaver in Alien to play the part, you know, all tall and sweaty and kick-ass, and instead they got one like Audrey Tautou in Amelie - this chick’s idea of wounding you is to give you a really hurt look with her big brown eyes. And of course the plot demands that the hero (WARNING! SPOILER AHEAD! DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO SEE I AM LEGEND, AND FEEL THAT YOU ARE INTELLECTUALLY INCAPABLE OF GUESSING THE ENTIRE PLOT FIVE MINUTES INTO THE FILM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID!) die via self-inflicted hand grenade during a massive zombie attack, so that the snooze-inducing chick can go on to save humanity with the antidote to the zombie virus. Which is fine. I mean, lame, but fine, except that she also thinks that she is on a mission from God. I mean, literally, on a mission from God. She can’t shut up about it, in fact. And so then when this walking advertisement for Nytol makes it to the zombie-free camp safe in the wilds of Vermont (I know, could it be any whiter?), and hands off the antidote to the authorities, the camera cranes up (settle down, it’s CGI), and we see this huge white steepled church in the center of the compound, and, oh, just…arrrrrrgggh.

Seriously bummed out. Seriously.

Because, well, you know, humanity’s got a chance to start all over, with a clean slate, and no assumptions, and goddammit, they’re all going to be CHRISTIANS again?

Christ.

You know, that would be just my luck, that I would survive the zombie-making plague, and then the flesh-eating zombies, only to find out I have to live in new world that’s even more Christian-y than the previous one.

Ooh, what a brave new world to look forward to, filled with people like Warren Jeffs, whose mission from God is to provide a place where old men can fuck and impregnate young girls with impunity.

And no doubt Illinois legislator Monique Davis will be there too, marching on in the name of the Lord on her mission to make sure that atheists everywhere are silenced and banned from public speaking, so that the innocent children of the earth shall never know that there are those for whom “reason” is not a dirty word.

And let’s not forget the Bush Administration, and their collective mission to establish their own version of Christianity where a secular government once stood. In this new world, no doubt they would succeed in funding a database on world health that denies that the word “abortion” even exists.

I sure hope that Mr. Legend saves one of those grenades for me.

What's so bad about cherry-picking intelligence? I love cherries. Everyone does. Cherries are DELICIOUS.

I'm working on a longer post, but in the meantime please to enjoy this NPR Morning Edition interview with Iraq war architect Douglas "I heart Ahmed Chalabi" Feith. In it, he postulates that if forces within the State Dept. and the CIA had not attempted to exclude Chalabi, a known fabricator of false intelligence on Iraqi WMD, from discussions on Iraq war planning, then we would not be stuck still occupying Iraq.

Hilarious. I mean, in a "pathetic attempt at revisionist history from a discredited neocon hack who's doomed to live out the remainder of his life in ignominy and bitter recrimination" kind of way.

Irregular

Forty years ago this evening, Bobby Kennedy, who was on the campaign trail, addressed a mostly black crowd in a poorer neighborhood in Indianapolis, Indiana. He did this in spite of the fact that his police detail, fearing violence, had refused to follow him there. Refused.

He told the crowd that Martin Luther King, Jr. had just been assassinated, and he improvised a remarkable 6 minute eulogy before entreating the crowd to return to their homes and pray.

Whether it was due to Kennedy’s influence that Indianapolis was spared the violence that rocked other large cities in the aftermath of the assassination is debatable, of course.

What’s plain, is that just like MLK, Kennedy was a man of extraordinary empathy and intelligence. In his attempt to console the anger and wild grief of his audience, he quotes his favorite poet – Aeschylus! He quotes Aeschylus - some ancient Greek dude in a chiton and sandals who wrote about the Trojan War and died 500 years before the birth of Christ - to an angry black urban crowd! Tell me, was there ever a politician who so persistently refused to speak down to people, who refused to play to the lowest common denominator?

Here’s what he quoted off the top of his head, a rather rough translation of a bit of a speech from the play Agamemnon:

In our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.

Fast forward to 2008, when, during his moronic and ridiculously macho-monikered show Hardball, Chris Matthews asks his guest if Obama can appeal to regular people, or just blacks and college graduates?

Well, since Mr. Matthews has just called me out for being non-regular, I would like to know when the media’s worship of stupid white people is going to end once and for all. Surely the fall of George W., the ultimate stupid white dude, is a signal that it is time to take our collective fingers off the pulse off the NASCAR set and put them back on those who actually fucking think about things.

Alas, I fear that the blind, the halt, and the lame as the go-to arbiters of national priorities will continue until it is proven that a smartypants in the White House can actually be a good thing. Al Gore couldn’t inspire the media to give him a lick of credit in 2000, and then we all had to sit around as every single prediction he made about the disasterous war in Iraq came to pass – in spades.

If only we had listened to a smart person. If only we had ignored the god-awful judgment of the willfully ignorant, and their insistence that the most important quality in a leader is his ability to not act high-falutin’.

Look, I have a lot of relatives in red states, and I understand that they get very upset when they feel like a politician is getting a little too big for his or her britches. But here’s the deal: THEY HAVE TO GET OVER IT.

This penchant that the “regular” voter has for thinking with his beer hand is not something to be admired and worshipped by the likes of Matthews. It is a deplorable state we have found ourselves in, when candidates must pretend to be ignorant or indifferent in order to be accepted. It is the electoral version of the cool kids in school, and it’s literally killing us.

But how can we hope to reverse this kind of thinking, when we must wake up to letters like this in the goddamn Wall Street Fucking Journal:

“You wrote that living in a Blue State reduces the odds of divorce. Democrats divorce at a lower rate than Republicans? I find that very difficult to believe.”

Yes, the breezy hatred of the letter is rather shocking, but perhaps worse is the opening sentence of the columnist’s response, in which she says “I can understand your skepticism.”

Stunning. She later goes on to attribute the effect to the high number of Catholics in Massachusetts.

What is it that these people think we are? Do they think we want to make over the country in the image of the Woodstock Festival, or the Haight, or downtown Detroit? Do they think our model for society is the decadence and immorality of the ancient Roman royal courts? Because let me tell you, if Caligula were alive today he would definitely vote Republican.

Perhaps, now that Matthews’s hard-on for our flight-suited Commander-in-Chief is waning, he and our other media leaders can adopt a more realistic approach toward those who wish to guide the direction of this country. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Kennedy, in that short speech many years ago, said to the crowd “Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.”

If Kennedy were running for president today, Matthews would no doubt not be impressed, and would rather dedicate his show to a discussion of Kennedy’s bowling prowess.

Nor all thy piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line

Uh-oh. Guess which black minister, recently in the news, has come out in opposition to the war? An excerpt:

"And don't let anybody make you think that God chose America as his divine, messianic force to be a sort of policeman of the whole world. God has a way of standing before the nations with judgment, and it seems that I can hear God saying to America, 'You're too arrogant! And if you don't change your ways, I will rise up and break the backbone of your power, and I'll place it in the hands of a nation that doesn't even know my name.'"

Heavy stuff. I'm sure any conservative reading the bit above would come away with only one thing - that the Reverend is threatening America with the very wrath of God. And who the fuck does he think he is?

And what does Obama have to say about all this?

To be honest, I don't think anyone's asked him.

They haven't asked for his opinion, because the above words are not those of his former minister, Reverend Wright. I took them from a speech by Martin Luther King called "Why I Am Opposed to the War in Vietnam."

Yeah, yeah, happy April Fool's Day and all that. But I must give all props to Tavis Smiley for this post, as it was his appearance on Real Time this week that reminded me that MLK was reviled for his position on Vietnam not only by southern bigots and his usual political opponents, but also by mainstream America. Referring to another of King's speeches on this same topic, the Washington Post said "King has diminished his usefulness to his cause, his country, his people," and Time called it "demagogic slander that sounded like a script for Radio Hanoi." Even King's own parishioners told him that they felt he was abandoning their cause. King, however, saw the larger picture, and proposed that "a nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death."

President Johnson, who formerly relied upon the personal counsel of MLK, and who signed the Civil Rights Act in 1964 with King looking over his shoulder, now barred him from the White House, as he would not truck with opponents of the war. King differentiated Johnson's personality from that of his predecessor, saying that "President Kennedy was a man who was big enough to admit when he was wrong-as he did after the Bay of Pigs incident." But, according to King, Johnson did not stop bombing Vietnam, although he could've easily have found the popular support to do so, because his administration was devoid of statesmanship, and "when creative statesmanship wanes, irrational militarism increases."

Ah. True dat.

So my point is not that Reverend Wright is a King in wolf's clothing, no, far from it. My point is simply that we might take the occasion of the upcoming 40^th anniversary of the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. to reflect on how people are often viewed by history quite differently than they were in their own times.

Or, in other words, and as we are often reminded every April 1st, things are not always what they seem.