Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Now, get out of my face. Hey, look, over there! Is that Morrissey???


To the trio of Squeeze fans who sat directly in front of me last night at the Squeeze/Fountains of Wayne concert at the Greek last night in Los Angeles:

Boo.

First of all, I get it, okay? You do not like Fountains of Wayne. This was made abundantly clear by your exaggerated fake “Ooh, aren’t they good?” hand-clapping and head-bobbing, followed, after an interval sufficient so as to establish your little skit of faux-fandom, by sullen eye-rolling and chair-slumping.

I get it. You think Fountains of Wayne is beneath you. Yeah, who the fuck do Fountains of Wayne think they are, anyway, with their jangly guitars and their awesomely funny lyrics and their infectious pop melodies? Why, they’re not fit to grace the same stage as the GENIUSES who gave us “Tempted by the Fruit of Another,” a song so amazing it was used in a BEER COMMERCIAL. And not domestic beer, either. Imported.

Actually, I’m not going to diss on Squeeze, because I mostly like them, and my Spooney LOVES them. I got no problem with the Squeeze, but listen, you pretentious little twats: Squeeze is a pop group, okay? They’re not fucking Tchaikovsky, so stop pretending that 40 minutes of Fountains of Wayne is akin to being strapped down and waterboarded by the CIA. You were not brought to the Greek by extraordinary rendition. You bought the ticket. You drove here. You paid $15 bucks for stacked parking to get to the venue early enough to catch the opening act, so shut the fuck up and – here’s an idea! Try enjoying a song or two. Can I recommend the lovely Hackensack, or if you prefer a more rockin’ song, how about Red Dragon Tattoo?

And don’t give me that “Stacy’s Mom” bullshit. First of all, every group, no matter how long they labor undeservedly in obscurity, deserves their Dead Skunk moment. Secondly, although I think Stacy’s Mom is one of their least interesting singles, it’s still pretty freaking funny and sweet, although I’m sure you’ve never stopped to consider that there might be something more to the song than the declaration that “Stacy’s Mom has got it goin’ on.” If I thought about music the same way, I could just as well declare that songs about shucking bivalves bore the shit out of me.

Seriously, my recommendation is that you remove that 80s Brit pop stick from your ass, clean it, whittle it down into some kind of utilitarian household item that you can then sell to buy some music that was written after 1995.

16 comments:

Megan said...

Nice!

I enjoy both Squeeze and Fountains of Wayne, but I'd say FoW is about 50 million times better (despite "Stacy's Mom").

GETkristiLOVE said...

I like both bands too, but in different decades.

Flannery Alden said...

You said it, Vikki!

Chris said...

That would've pissed me off, too. While I like Squeeze, I only have that one album that everyone has. I would've been there to see FOW.

kirby said...

Isn't it sad when people can't listen to any other music other than what was popular when they were in high school?

vikkitikkitavi said...

To paraphrase the great Woody Allen, who paraphrased the great Groucho Marx: Musical taste is like a shark - it has to constantly move forward or it dies. I think, what those Squeeze fans got on their hands (ahem!) are some dead sharks.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

In defense of those jerks, Banquet Hall would have been a much better opening act.

Spooney said...

Fuck all that! The Monkees are the only band that ever mattered.

Grant Miller said...

What am I missing about Fountains of Wayne? I mean, they're okay. But I don't own anything and what I've heard hasn't compelled me to run out and get their stuff. Is there something I'm missing? Because I know a ton of people that love them.

I don't think I have a 1980s brit pop stick in my ass, but a fish doesn't think it's wet, either.

Convince me on Fountains of Wayne.

I also believe Squeeze is okay.

Grant Miller said...

And I believe the woody allen/groucho Marx phrase can first be found in Freud's "Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious."

vikkitikkitavi said...

Grant, I'm surprised you aren't into them, because their lyrics are so funny and well, just so perfect for who they are.

All I can say is that I believe "Welcome Interstate Managers," to be one of the most perfect pop albums ever. If you're really interested in why people love them, buy that album, AND I MEAN THE WHOLE ALBUM, DON'T JUST DOWNLOAD THE "HITS," and listen to it a couple of times, if you aren't infected by that, then you are immune. If you like what you hear, I would suggest "Utopia Parkway" as your next purchase.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Here we come... walking down the street. We get the funniest looks from... everyone we meet.

Hey, Hey! We're the Monkees!

(Spooney, I play this song in the locker room when we need an uplift!)

Grant Miller said...

Ok. Our library has "Interstate Managers." I'll pick it up this weekend, but if I don't like it can I bill you for the late fees?

Dawn @ RMC said...

Wow! Nicely said! I was randomly looking up any reviews of the concert and stumbled on this. Perfect!

I actually thought it was the perfect pairing of two great pop bands.

Evil Genius said...

Morrissey? Where? Where?

Did FoW play "Radiation Vibe"? I love that song.

Frank Sirmarco said...

vikki:

If I wasn't already getting married, I'd be on one knee proposing!

Grant:

As for FOW, Utopia Parkway and Welcome Interstate Managers are fantastic from front to back. They tried a bit too hard with Traffic and Weather, but they're still worth a serious listen!