Friday, November 18, 2005

Belated Movie Reviews: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, AKA The Michael Jackson E! True Hollywood Story

Okay, so I don't get out a lot to the movies. But I did get Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the same day it came out on DVD, thanks to some prudent Netflix queuing strategy.

Ah, Netflix! Best invention since the low-carb diet.

So, anyway, the movie. I thought C&CF was a Bill Cosby sweater-of-a-movie. It was colorful, and fantastic to look at, but basically soulless.

And quite frankly, I'm astounded that the Jackson estate hasn't sued.

Think about it. It's the story of a boy so abused by a parent that, although he is talented and successful in business, he remains a child mentally. He invites children over to his place and does horrible damage to them with the aid of his slavish employees and right under the noses of their parents.

Eerie, isn't it?

The only scene that was any fun was--yes, the scene with the squirrels. I liked those squirrels, man. Wow, when the squirrels are swarming all over Veruca Salt, I finally felt like something unexpected might happen, something that might evoke a response from me. But then they had to ruin the sequence by cutting back to one of the lamest oops-I-can't-get-the-door-open-in-an-emergency-even-though-you-really-want-me-to exchanges ever committed to film.

Tim Burton should stick to animation.

Johnny Depp should base his next character on...let's see, it's gotta be a musician. He's done Keith Richards already...

How about Dylan? Yeah, how about a remake of The Shining, with Depp playing the Nicolson character as Dylan?

Once upon a time Jack dressed so fine.
Once upon a time Jack dressed so fine.
Once upon a time Jack dressed so fine.
Once upon a time Jack dressed so fine.
Once upon a time Jack dressed so fine.

3 comments:

sis said...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Are you sure that's the title? I thought it was the sequel to another Burton/Depp favorite - Edward Scissorhands Goes to Candyland. Remember the factory opening scene, with his scissored-hand silhoutte... and yet another contraption put on his head by his so called "creator?" Okay, so Vincent Price looks a lot younger in this sequel (how did they do that?) but still, who else am I going to dress up for as Halloween?!

vikkitikkitavi said...

the squirrel?

Anonymous said...

johnny depp is rumored to be playing gypsy rose lee in another burton film. ah... the sweet transvestite.