Bells On brings you the inside scoop on that Hobbit film

Apparently, Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings trilogy is feuding with New Line, and as it stands now, he will NOT be asked to direct the upcoming LOTR prequel The Hobbit.

LOTR fans everywhere are distraught, in a kind of predictably hilarious way.

New Line has not yet announced who will now direct The Hobbit, but they have been taking a lot of meetings. Bells On has gotten a hold of their short list, which I will now share with you, dear readers:

Quentin Tarantino – Thinks the chronological plotline is too straightforward. Would tell the story backward (jump cuts!) from a high camera angle that would suggest that the real protagonist of the story is the goblin assassin. Wants Sam Jackson for Bilbo, and Uma Thurman for the goblin. And surf music. Lots of surf music.

Martin Scorsese – Envisions Middle Earth in the sewers of New York City, with the Hobbits as working class Italian immigrants, and the dwarves as a brutal crime syndicate. Wants to lose the actor who played Golum in LOTR and bring in DeNiro.

Ron Howard – Thinks struggle between good and evil in the book is WAY too ambiguous – would simplify, simplify, simplify. Wants Russell Crowe for Bilbo. Would write in two Hobbit love interests (Kate Beckinsale and Kirsten Dunst) representing the hero’s internal struggle. Of course the usual deal for Ron’s brother – maybe third lead dwarf?

Woody Allen – Not really interested in the film unless he can play Bilbo. Will only shoot on location in NYC. Would punch up verbal sparring between Bilbo and Golum. Wants Scarlett Johansson for Golum.

Tim Burton – Thinks the story is short on kitsch, and would set the film in 50’s suburbia: bright colors, manicured lawns, elves as Tupperware ladies, dwarves living in bowling alleys, that kind of thing. Will only direct if Depp can play Bilbo, Gandalf, and Golum, and wife can play all the dwarves.