Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Chapter 45: In which I come to the defense of a woman I probably wouldn't even like

I know I should be focusing on the election, but I just couldn't resist commenting on this evangelical peckerhead, who is suggesting that perhaps our favorite ass-fucking tweaker wouldn't have strayed so far if his wife hadn't let herself go quite so much:
Most pastors I know do not have satisfying, free, sexual conversations and liberties with their wives. At the risk of being even more widely despised than I currently am, I will lean over the plate and take one for the team on this. It is not uncommon to meet pastors’ wives who really let themselves go; they sometimes feel that because their husband is a pastor, he is therefore trapped into fidelity, which gives them cause for laziness. A wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband in the ways that the Song of Songs is so frank about is not responsible for her husband’s sin, but she may not be helping him either.

Well, if I may take the liberty of speaking for women everywhere, can I just say that Haggard would not exactly inspire me to get my twat waxed and go on the Jenny Craig:


Ew.

First of all, that untucked, vaguely Hawaiian-style shirt is SO hiding a multitude of sins. Plus, I can tell that he is wearing PLEATED KHAKIS. There is nothing less sexy than pleated pants belted under a Hawaiian-shirt-hidden gut. Ugh. I don't care if you have a beer belly, but really guys, you've had like, 5 years to hop on the flat-front pants train. What the fuck are you waiting for? It's like you WANT your woman to start wearing Crocs.

Secondy, let's take a look at the guy who made the disparaging comments above:


This is actually worse than the first picture, because at least Haggard embraces his suburban whiteitude.

This guy, Mark Driscoll, purports to head some kind of punk rocker church. Too bad he looks like he's wearing a bad Death Cab for Cutie Halloween costume.

Serious, Driscoll. The frat boy version of the hipster beard. The frat boy version of the hipster watch. The it's-not-a-Hawaiian-shirt shirt. Are you fucking kidding me with that shit?

And for Christ's sake, take off that pathetic leather cord necklace before I fucking strangle you with it.

Maybe the women in your "Doctrine of Wifely Submission" church are so fucking starving for attention that they think your ass is cool, but I doubt you'd be such a big fish if you weren't swimming in the shallow end of the pool of spiritual desperation.

So take THAT for the team, motherfucker. Oh, and while you're up, get me a beer.

10 comments:

Phil said...

Hilarious.

david said...

I dunno, V: If my wife let herself go, I'd sure be looking for the first meth-peddling stud-muffin-for-hire I could find.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that's how they stay in business.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Phil: I was going for "amusing," so - bonus.

David: The business of gigolos is dependent upon the attractiveness of the john's wife like the turnout of conservative voters is dependent upon the intelligence of the conservative candidate.

dad said...

What? Pleated Khakis are out? No one tells me me anything.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Dad, you're a senior citizen. You have a free pass to be at least 15 years behind.

Megan said...

What about the lei, Vikki? You didn't even MENTION the lei!

And I always sort of thought it was those marriage vows that TRAPPED people into fidelity. . .

kirby said...

First a post about female circumcision, and now one about waxing one's twat. Ouch

CiscoKid said...

What a night--Senate still up for grabs

Chris said...

Vikki- Please don't ever change. Your analyses are second-to-none.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Megan: I'll admit that I gave him the benefit of the doubt on the lei. Hey, he might have just gotten off the plane in Honolulu.

Kirby: Yeah, I can't stop talking about cunts. I love 'em!

Cisco: I gave up on the coverage after all the names went to bed and they abandoned CNN and MSNBC to the third-stringers.

Chris: Plus, I can't stop talking about cunts!