Vikki needs to post

Okay, y’all know that I’m not so big on the memes. Especially memes that every fucking blogger on the face of the earth has done.

Not because I judge. I do not judge.

But because I just don’t think people are all that interested in the fact that I love figs, or that I once won an art contest in school by sculpting a giant bust of Elton John.

But my sister has concluded that Google is eerily accurate for her, and so it has occurred to me that perhaps it may be as good a place as any to look for an answer to noodge me out of this goddamn funk, so here goes the search:

Vikki needs a spanking – The #1 result, and certainly the most accurate. Fortunately, Spooney is always willing to oblige.

Vikki needs pink fluffy ears – Weird. It’s like Google is looking in my bedroom window.

Vikki needs a hug – Um, actually, no, I don’t.

Vikki needs a good kick in the ass – Make up your mind, dickhead.

Vikki needs to get over it – Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, fuck you. I’m not getting over it.

Vikki needs to work on her phone skills – Oh yeah? Well, I think the world needs to LISTEN when our recording comes on, and wow, here's a thought - ACTUALLY TRY USING the dial-by-name directory, especially since you DO KNOW the name of the person you're trying to reach - instead of just sitting on the other end of the line pushing random numbers and drooling like a fucking idiot.

Vikki needs to take a long trip and come back with a new personality – Nice. No doubt this new personality will have improved phone skills. Again, fuck you.

Vikki needs more opportunities on the LPGA tour – Look, everybody, for the last time: I am not a dyke. I may be pushy, opinionated, and foul-mouthed, but I’m straight, okay? I. Love. Cock. So knock it off.

Vikki needs to come here and read about your penis finger – Alright, now you’re just fucking with me.

Vikki needs the whereabouts of her husband’s body – Ex-husband, okay? EX. And whatever the fuck happened to him and wherever the fuck he is I most certainly do NOT need to know about it. In fact, I also do not need this fucking shit at all, okay, Google? Go fuck yourself, Google. Fuck you, and fuck Froogle, and fuck your Google Maps with its complete fucking ignorance of the east side, and its total incompetence at identifying exits from the 110. I fucking hate you, Google, so leave me alone and stop talking about me or you’ll be fucking sorry, I promise you.

How about this, Google?

Vikki needs to find a better search engine than Google.

Vikki needs to admit that Yahoo email is superior to Google's pretentious little "gmail" nonsense.

Vikki needs to sell her Google stock.

Vikki needs to drop a dime on Google to the SEC.

Vikki needs to kill Google and dump its body where she dumped her ex-husband’s.