Wednesday, October 10, 2007

A talk given to my imaginary child after watching BushCo’s new abstinence campaign commercial



To my son and/or daughter: do not listen to the Bush administration. They’re liars and they’re only pretending to care about you. Yeah, like that kid who pretended to be your friend so that you would let him cheat off you in Geometry? Remember that? That didn’t end well, huh? George W. was probably exactly like that kid when he was in school. And now that kid hits you in the face with the dodgeball on purpose because he thinks it’s funny when your glasses go flying across the room. Well, don’t worry about that, because we’ll have our revenge one day. In fact, Mommy’s plan is already in stage III…but let’s not get distracted.

Yes, sweetie, you’re right, the RNC did attack that boy who spoke up about that bill expanding children’s health insurance. And yes, BushCo was complicit in that. It’s been shown many times that right-wing talking points originate in the White House, as you know. You're such a bright child, have I told you that today? You really know your history.

What I want to tell you about abstinence is – it sucks. As long as you have reliable birth control, you should definitely have sex as soon as you feel you are ready for it, and DEFINITELY before you get married. Why? Well, Mommy IS a two-time loser, so let’s just say that she knows a little bit about what makes a marriage go to hell in a handbasket, okay sweetie?

First of all, sex is very important. Very important. And believe me, daughter, you do not want to get stuck married to some poor schmuck whose idea of foreplay is to ask you “See how big it is?” Nor do you, my son, want to wake up one day and realize that your wife only blows you when she wants another piece of jewelry. So it’s crucial to know if you’re sexually compatible with your partner. After all, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life fighting over the dildo, hm?

Secondly, the sooner you start having and enjoying sex, the sooner you can start annoying the fuck out of Republicans, who just seem to, well, I’m not sure exactly why, but they just seem to have a huge problem with sex. I dunno, it’s partly about controlling women, and partly about this whole disingenuous worship of this totally bogus version of Christianity, anyway, best to not think about the Republicans too much, sweetie, or you might go blind.

19 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I bow down to your genius.

Grant Miller said...

They also may grow hairy palms. Or is it psalms?

kirby said...

This is a much better talk than the one I had with my son. "Life is short, death is long, spank your monkey all day long."

Alana said...

"Success comes to kids who wait to have sex"??????

Well, I guess I'll never be successful at anything.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Dr. MVM: Are you just flattering me because it's by now apparent to everyone that I'm easy?

Grant: I hate it when you top me.

Kirby: I wish my mother had been like you. I only got "Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table."

Alana: I know! I had better call all those religious idiots I grew up with back in Indiana who are still working at the IGA and tell them that they finally won.

Skylers Dad said...

I felt ready quite early on in my youth, I just had no game...

Is there a talk you could give me on that Vikki, cause that would really help!

red said...

I waited rather a long time. I don't regret it; it was right for me. And my first time _rocked_, which I hear is not the case for many girls who give it up in High School. I'm not a Republican; I actually canvassed for the DNC in '04. However, I would not describe myself as fantastically successful. So I'm happy to help you shoot a hole in the RNC's mumbo jumbo. I waited a long time _BUT_ I'm not successful. So at any rate we have anecdotal evidence to disprove that particular theory.

That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting a while. Even a long while. There's a lot to be said for not getting diseases or getting knocked up.

'Bubbles' said...

Thinking about republicans will make you go blind! Bwahahahaha! Acutally, there's some truth to that. Blind RAGE!!!!! Grrrrr!

Mr. Ex is a proponent of preaching abstinence to our children (well, the girls, anyway). Speaks volumes about the torture our marital sex life was, doesn't it?

When he asked why I had not discussed abstinence with them I just laughed at him. You can't argue with ignorance. (Wish I realized that for the decades I spent beating my head against the wall - I'm a s-l-o-w -- l-e-a-r-n-e-r)

'Bubbles' said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
'Bubbles' said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
'Bubbles' said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
'Bubbles' said...

Sorry, I guess I got a little click-happy there! There has got to be good joke in there somewhere... help me out Vikki!

Johnny Yen said...

These people need to re-read the Bible. It's filled with sex.

I personally believe that part of a successful relationship is that your partner (and yourself) has learned from past relationships, including mistakes.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

You're a much better parent than I am. I smoke crack with my imaginary child.

JP said...

it's amazing we can hear anything the RNC says with their heads buried so deeply in the sand.

vikkitikkitavi said...

SkyDad: Perhaps you confuse "promiscuous" with "knowledgeable."

Red: I agree with you. Clearly you did it when you were ready to do it. However, I still would never let a child of mine get married without living in sin for at least a year or two. Time enough to get used to someone's sexual habits, then see if they still want to get married.

Bubbles: First of all, people who preach abstinence to girls and not to boys are fucking low-lifes. I'm sure that's no news to you. Secondly, I'm not going to make any jokes about single gals being too fast on the button. I've been there myself.

JohnnyY: Yeah, I think the RNC doesn't really truck with the "let he who is without sin" part of the Bible so much.

Randy: Oh, that's it. I am dialing the imaginary CDSS.

JP: How did they get all that sand up their ass?

GETkristiLOVE said...

The Republicans don't have a problem with sex, as long as it involves illegal solicitation or is in some way, perverted.

kiki said...

be sure to teach them about STDs though. that shit is bad

vikkitikkitavi said...

GKL: And that's not a problem?

Kiki: See what a bad parent I would be? That's what I get for growing up in the pre-AIDS era.