Monday, January 22, 2007

But hey, go Bears. And Colts. Go Colts, too.

Between the Colts and the Bears, just about all my friends who give a shit about football are pretty happy right now. And I'm happy for them.

I grew up in a house where a LOT of tv football was happening. On Saturday, it was the college football, on Sunday, it was the pro. As it kid I thought it all sucked, as it kept adults from doing fun things, like pushing me on the swing, and uh, playing horsie and stuff. I dunno, there was just something about the whine and hum of that omnipresent game on tv that always bugged me. That and the amount of attention it was given compared to the amount that, in my estimation, it seemed to deserve.

My second husband was crazy about the football, which I must admit gave me pause. Not enough pause, but pause. Here’s the first conversation I had with him about football on our second date.

Me: Hi! Hey, what’s the matter? You look really upset.

Him: The Dolphins lost.

Me: Ha. Ha. Seriously. Are you okay? What’s going on?

Him: (taken aback) I’m not kidding.

Me: What? Oh, really? Shit, I’m sorry. Wait, wasn’t that game, like, yesterday?

At first I was pretty cheerful about driving 20 miles to the giant sports bar that was actually showing the game with the team from the city far, far, away, but after a while I got tired of bad Bloody Marys and pretzels for brunch. Plus, I’ll admit that I resented having to schedule my wedding around the possibility of a Dolphins playoff appearance. And after the wedding, my banishment of the life-sized Dan Marino cut-out to the garage did cause a bit of friction, but all in all, I really tried hard to adapt to being a sport spouse. I cooked chili. I made beer runs. I took his side when the refs made one of their frequent bad calls.

But then came fantasy football. Fantasy football, the bane of all NFL widows everywhere. Because, instead of my husband living or dying around the events of one 3-hour game a week, he had to watch ALL THE GAMES, because he had players from his fantasy team in ALL THE GAMES. And it wasn’t enough for him to pound his fists and yell and curse on Monday, when the statistics were compiled, he had to oversee their pass-dropping and interception-throwing LIVE, in real time. And when they didn’t perform well, which was pretty much always, it really affected his mood. And no matter how hard I tried, (and I tried hard) I could never get over my feelings that it was all just a huge, silly, ridiculous waste of time. And when you want to look your husband in the eyes and tell him that you love him, but you can’t because he’s still red-faced from his 15-minute rant about how they never call holding, well, wait, do I hear a funeral dirge for my marriage playing?

Don’t get me wrong. I have been known to follow a team or two in my day. It makes for good conversation in the break room, I’ll give you that. And it’s fun to root for your team, and think up really nasty and juvenile taunts for the supporters of the other team, which is usually the Yankees, so that’s easy. But I know I can’t live with a football fan anymore. I can’t do it. I just can’t.

And now, I don’t have to. I do know a bit more about guitar amps than I'd really like to, but that's a small price to pay, a small price, for the love of my Spooney.


RandyLuvsPaiste said...

If I read one more blog about the Chicago Bears, I'ma puke!

First Chris, then Frank, and now the mighty Vikki.

Yes, I'm a self-confessed band dork, but really, do you think any of the Bears give a shit how well your(italicized) day at work went?

Anon. Blogger said...

That level of love for the game wouldn't work for me, either. I guess I was lucky that way. My ex didn't watch or play sports much. He had another obession, tho., so I get what you're saying. I TRIED to be supportive, but deep down... I also witnessed a smart, nice guy I worked with flush his life down the toilet because of his gambling, mostly on sports.

The Bears have a nice history and they make for a wonderful family tradition, though. All three of my kids were born in the Chicago area and their affiliation with the Bears is something they love. It's like the comfort of a Holiday tradition, I guess. To me, that's the proper perspective - it is a game, after all!

Anonymous said...


My brother used to ask me (kiddingly) if I was a fag cuz I didn't like sports or eat meat. Of course he knew I wasn't cuz I always had hot girlfriends, and I still do.

SV said...

It's easy to top Fantasy Football in the wasted time department. Just think about Fantasy Baseball--now that's a lot of games! Fantasy Hockey must fall somewhere in-between...

vikkitikkitavi said...

Randy: Did you READ the post? It wasn't really so much about the Bears...

AnonBlog: I must confess I ALWAYS watch the Superbowl, but that's because my sis does a Superbowl commercial trivia quiz every year. So, I watch the commercials and leave the room during the game. But even then, it's tough for me to make it to the end. Such is my loathing for the football.

anonymous: Spooney, is that you?

SV: I know, my ex was into fantasy baseball as well. Somehow, though, the hand-wringing never reached such epic proportions, perhaps because tomorrow is almost always another day in baseball.

Johnny Yen said...

Yeah, looking back, the warning signs about our ex's seem all-too-obvious, don't they. With wife #1, the fact that she:

1. owned not one, but two chihuahuas, and 2. that her first husband is gay now

...somehow didn't didn't register.

Or that she had her chihuahas poop in a litter box in our apartment.

Or that she kept that the kept the litter box under the kitchen table. Like I said, all too obvious in retrospect.

I'm of course absolutely against any sports fanatacism of any kind. Unless, of course, it involves the Chicago Cubs.

Spooney said...


that was me.

Skylers Dad said...

Little known facts #305...

4 years ago or so, Sports Ill. sent people to every game played that weekend with a stop watch to time how long the action of the game actually took.

That is, they would start the watch on the snap of the ball, and stop the watch when the ref blew the play dead.

All the fine folks then came back with their timings and when they averaged them all up, the typical NFL football game contains just a hair over 3 minutes of actual players doing something!

I would like to know what that averages out to salary-wise for these overpaid morons.

vikkitikkitavi said...

JohnnyY: Yeah, by the time baseball season rolls around everyone will have forgotten about this post and I can pull out my annual "this year, it'll be different" post on the Cubs.

SkyDad: I'm not going to weigh in on the "morons" part, but you're probably right. I do object to the "overpaid" part, however, as I don't think you can get paid too much to permanently fuck up your body to the level that NFL player's bodies get fucked up. Besides, NFL salaries are capitalism in action. Whatever the market will bear, baby.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I've never understood a fan that gets that upset over a game. Your ex-husband is freakishly overboard about it.

I have been into sports since I was about 3 years old. I liked watching football with Dad, even though he'd always fall asleep and I'd lose interest. I like to watch sports now, especially hockey on TV. I try to watch all the Avalanche games and I play fantasy hockey too.

SV and I enjoy watching hockey on TV, but we don't live our lives around it, (especially now that you've sent me the Battlestar Galactica DVDs).

But I never get real upset when my team loses, or my fantasy players throw up 0 stats across the board. I say "damn" or something equivalent and forget about it five seconds later.

Getting upset about a team losing is like getting upset that a movie didn't end the way you like - just watch another and it will.

dad said...

I just can't resist. I did not always fall asleep, but sometimes. My current list is to watch all Bear games possible, all major tennis events, all World Cup Skiing, an occasional Cubs game, but not in the evening when I want to share TV watching with my wife and watch something we can both enjoy. I used to watch the Browns games when I lived in Dayton and Jim Brown was playing then. I would feel bad when they lost and I realized how dumb of me to let something like that effect my emotions and I got over it for good. That was a long time ago.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Kristi: Living your life around Battlestar Gallactica is something I can get behind.

Dad: You forgot about the golf.