Monday, January 29, 2007

Chapter 46: In which the blogger considers herself lucky

Aw, Christ, I’ve been dreading this post more than I’ve dreaded this, my 46th birthday.

People have told me that I don’t look my age, which, if they are to be believed, is fucking great, because I don’t feel 46 either, mostly because I’m still so completely clueless so much of the time. When I was younger, I would have thought that someone aged 46 would be much more pulled together than I am. I would have thought that they wouldn’t talk out of their fucking ass as much as I do. I also would have thought they would have gained a bit more discretion about when to offer their opinion and when to keep their fucking mouth shut. Most of all, I would’ve thought that, even with an inclination not to suffer fools gladly, that I would have, over my many many many years on this mortal coil,* acquired a bit more patience.

I am thankful that I have not gotten any more conservative as I’ve gotten older. Nothing’s worse than a person who becomes a Republican because now that they have a little bit of moolah, they’ve decided that joining the party of selfish bastards is the best way to protect what they got. Way to have values, dude.

My apologies to my Republican friends out there who truly feel their party.

I am also thankful that I am as sensible now about religion as I was when I declared myself an atheist at eleven years old. I got into trouble then, in sixth grade, got targeted by a vengeful, religious nut of a teacher, stayed out of school in protest, was pressured by my beloved Granny to quit my protest before I ruined my life, was threatened by the principal, and when I did return after being assured that the harassment would stop, I was ostracized by many of the Christian kids, who decided to make that nutcase their martyr.

Some of you no doubt will react to the above information by thinking “Ah, that’s where the bitch got that huge fucking chip on her shoulder.” And I’ll cop to that. But also this: it taught me that religion is a dangerous weapon in the hands of the small-minded and the fearful, because it enforces the belief that questioning authority can imperil your immortal soul. Your immortal soul. Doomed to struggle forever in the lake of fire. Because you dared to think that your science teacher seemed a lot more informed about dinosaurs than your creepy little piggy-eyed preacher and his scary Sunday school-teaching wife who probably doesn’t realize that she purses her lips whenever she looks at a black person.

My apologies to my religious friends out there. Especially the ones who, if I asked for their coat, would offer me their cloak as well.

One thing I’ll say about getting older, is that I have moments of extreme clarity that I don’t think were possible for me when I was younger. The longer I live, the more I am learning that my ideas about who I am, and what I need, are mostly what stand in my way, and that there are so many impasses that I have gone around simply by stepping back and seeing a way through that I can only imagine I was incapable of seeing in years before. That’s not just wisdom, that’s experience. And it’s experience, not courage, that allows me to feel safe when I do something new and previously unconsidered.

Also, there are so many things I thought I needed in my life, things I needed so as not to be thought frivolous, things I needed to keep me believing that I was loved, and I have dragged them around with me for years - and let me tell you those motherfuckers are heavy - and now, as I regard them one by one I realize that, very simply, wow, I just don’t need them anymore, and I probably never really did. And sweet holy shit it feels so good to let them go. So even though I have a mortgage and bills and motherfucking earthquake insurance payments, I feel so much freer now than I did when I was in my twenties. I wish I looked as good, but that’s okay. There’s got to be some redeeming aspect to each stage of our lives, and I get that. So, while my ass may be a lot, well, assier than it was when I was a skinny young shithead, I’m a helluva lot more fun to be around.

And I can live with that.

*allusions to Hamlet, and the crippling self-centeredness that their use implies, are also counted among my faults.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Vikki! Megan is in the bathroom right now, but I'm sure she sends her best as well. Have a great one! (This is from Chris, by the way.)

Skylers Dad said...

Happiest of birthday wishes Vikki!

You don't look 46, and assier asses are waaayyyy better than asses you can use to shave with.

There is an old Cherokee expression that says:
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

Megan said...

I was taking a shower, jackass.

Happy Birthday, Vikki!

MonstrousJoe said...

Oh Happy Day!! You don't look a day over 27! Maybe you're AA... Black don't crack!

david said...

Happy birthday, V. Many more to you.

Pops said...

I knew this was coming. Myspace totally ratted you out. That fucking thing is going to be the death of all of us one day, you watch.

CiscoKid said...

Happy Birthday.
I think once you go past 35 you get stuck on that or any particular age that you please.. I am 41, soon to be 42 and I do not feel like it at all.

Keep'em coming I say!

dad said...

Experience brings wisdom if administered with intelligence. And you , my dear, are very wise. The next half of your life will allow you more joy and less struggle.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Chris: You are suave, my man.

SkyDad: Those Cherokees were a bit on the verbose side, huh? Not like in the commercials where they just silently cry a single tear.

Megan: Shh, I just told him he was suave.

MJoe: Thanks, I owe it all to an aversion to tanning.

David: Thank you baby.

Pops: Yeah, and thanks for the comment on my MySpace page. Oh wait. You didn't leave one. Fucker.

CiscoK: Do not taunt Happy Birthday.

Dad: Whew! I just hope you're right, Daddy-o.

Anon. Blogger said...

Happy, happy day, Aunt Vikki!

The girls will bake you a cake - any excuse for a cake, and why not when they can eat it 'a row at a time' and never know they did it!

You look fabulous, and your willingness to question will (has already - I'll bet) leave a mark on this world.

Hope you have / had a great day!

grooveva said...

Happy Happy birthday! Damn right I left a myspace comment too.

Phil said...

Wishes for the happiest of birthday days.

Johnny Yen said...

Okay, don't pat yourself on the back congratulating yourself, but I'd assumed you were nearly ten years younger than me-- maybe 37. You're actually four months older than me. Report to me on how 46 is. As Hendrix said, "I'll see you on the other side." I'll be joining you soon.

Happy Birthday!
-- Brian

SV said...

Vikki,

Happy Birthday! I think throughout my 40+ years I have had moments of clarity with about the same frequency, it's just that less of them are delusional now. Keep on rockin!

Dave said...

Happy birthday. you are exceneric.

Dave said...

excentric....oops.

Alana said...

I went out last night and had margaritas for your birthday. Well, i went out for drinks and it happened to be your birthday. Close enough?

SJ said...

I hope your birthday went well. I loved this post. Here's to extreme clarity, long may it reign!

kbryna said...

no WAY. I REFUSE UTTERLY TO BELIEVE YOU ARE 46.

seriously. i've been going along thinking "wow, it's great to hear someone in their mid-thirties be so awesome, kinda makes me wish the next 3 or 4 years would pass so i could be that cool."

and turns out you are EVEN AWESOMER than i had thought.

happiest birthday and have a kick-ass year.

GETkristiLOVE said...

You can't be 46 because that would make me... oh, just stop talking about it already!

SV and I can't wait to have a drink with you and Spooney this weekend and celebrate!

OMG, the word verification is:
nobcry Freaky!

vikkitikkitavi said...

AnonBlog: If my life has been the inspiration for just one cake baked and eaten, just one, then it will have all been worth it.

GrooveVa: You were raised up right.

Phil: Thanks for the wishes. I also take cash.

JohnnyY/Brian: The Hendrix reference, the "see ya on the other side," the thing about joining me...um...you're not planning on killing me and then turning the gun on yourself, are you? Because it's only 46, okay? It's not like death...although you CAN see it from here.

SV: Thanks! And you keep on droppin' those Gs!

Dave: You wanna go for three?

Alana: My lawyer has advised me to stop condoning the consumption of alcohol in my name, or else I would say something encouraging like "you go, girl," or "party on."

SJ: Spoken by a person whose clarity I aspire to, thank you.

kbryna: Thanks, a friend of mine once said, when I told her my age, "What kind of freaky-ass Dorian Gray shit is that?" It's my favorite compliment ever.

Kristi: I declare "No B-day Cry!" to be the official motto of my birthday celebration weekend!

The Boob Lady said...

Happy Happy Belated Birthday~!!

Johnny Yen said...

Um, I mean the other side of 45-- turning 46, and being closer to 50 than 40. Jeez, can't a guy speak in metaphors around here (or something like that....)

Grant Miller said...

You 46? No.