Faster than Nembutal, and non-habit forming

No, there’s no full-blown coverage of the Golden Globes on Bells On this year, basically because they were really fucking boring. But let’s run down the least slumber-inducing moments, shall we?

Jennifer Hudson to Beyonce: How you like me now?

Yeah, when your co-star calls you fat, and hints that you really aren’t the same caliber of singer that she is, a little gold-plated statue really is the ultimate “Suck it, bitch.” right, Jennifer?

When the dazzling but diminutive Prince, who missed picking up his Best Song award for a really awful song in an awful animated movie about penguins featuring the voice of the awful Robin Williams, (Prince, baby, what the fuck happened to you? I always knew you were crazy, but you were cool-crazy, not Elton John-crazy.) failed to show up at the mic, presenter Justin Timberlake squatted down to simulate being short, and accepted the award on his behalf. Ha ha ha. Don’t taunt Tiny P, Justin, or you just may wake up naked in Lake Minnetonka with a tambourine in one hand and a short-lived career as a Penthouse centerfold in the other.

Presenter Hugh Grant later explained that Prince WAS at the awards, but had missed the beginning of the show because of traffic. He then quipped “It’s easy to get caught in your car in LA,” which went over the head of everyone except Eddie Murphy for about 10 minutes until we were done speculating about the true cause of Prince’s lateness. With that kind of crazy at work, it could be anything, really. A sequin could’ve been looking at him the wrong way. His hair could’ve been insufficiently turtle-waxed. The heels on his boots might have been mocking him. Who knows?

Is Hugh Laurie that brilliant off the cuff, or was it a rehearsed speech designed to sound brilliantly off the cuff? I don’t know, but I want to bear his children, suddenly. Witness this remark after thanking his “wonderful” crew: "I know that everyone says they have a wonderful crew but logically that can't be the case, they can't all be wonderful. Somebody somewhere is working with a crew of drunken thieves, but it's not me. They are truly a wonderful collection of people, and I am privileged to spend my days in their company, and they smell of newly mown grass." Is that dreamy or what?

Eddie Murphy won for supporting in a comedy or musical, and I yelled “Fuck yeah!” out loud because I am SO down with an Eddie Murphy comeback. You know, a comeback where he plays the seriously half-dead and fucked-up side of all those stupid wise-cracking cop-adjacent roles he played in all those mindless synthesizer-set movies in the 80s. How awesome would that be? But he had to go and fuck it up by perpetrating the most boring acceptance speech ever in the history of the GGs. Eddie, baby, this was the GLOBES. The CRAZY awards. You should have cried, or sung “My Girl Wants to Party All the Time” or said something inexplicable that we suspected was, deep down, really meaningful or something. Anything. Fuck, even Forest Whitaker evoked “meaningful comeback” better than you. Shit.

Bill Nye: “I used to think that prizes were sort of damaging and divisive, until I got one. Now I think they’re meaningful and real.” No wonder the mere mention of this guy’s name caused every Brit in the room to stand up and cheer. What a mensch.

Oh, Tom Hanks. You said “balls.” You were given a dignified task, that of introducing DeMille Award winner Warren Beatty, and you peppered your remarks with references to his “balls.” You are just as kooky as you were when you were on Bosom Buddies, you know that? You’ll never change, Tom, no matter how rich and powerful you become, and you’ve just proven that to every single champagne- and Grey Goose-swilling one of us, without a shadow of a doubt.

Warren Beatty circled for about 10 minutes, looking borderline senile, before finally landing on a usable comedic premise for his acceptance speech, which seemed to be all he was looking for. Oh, and he lamented his inability to make Hollywood bend to his will, even though he successfully “asked Arnold to become a Democrat and he did.”

Me-ow. Sounds like some-one’s jeal-ous. Warren, it’s not Arnold’s fault he had the balls to run for governor and you didn’t. (Ha ha. See, Tom Hanks? I can do it, too!)

Before too long it will be deeply unfashionable to like Sacha Baron Cohen, so ponder his genius while you can, for soon he will be Robin Williams: "This movie was a life-changing experience. I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America but I saw some dark parts of America, an ugly side of America, a side of America that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my costar, Ken Davitian (cut to Ken Davitian in the audience, who shrugs). When I was in that scene and I stared down and saw your two wrinkled golden globes on my chin, I thought to myself, 'I'd better win a bloody award for this.’"

That’s all everyone. Becky and Timmy, if you’re watching this, go to bed.

(thanks to Spooney for the Prince nickname)