Thursday, September 21, 2006

Dear President Chavez,

I read about your speech at the U.N. yesterday, and I applaud you for your bravery and candor. Way to stand up to the "world dictator." Bravo.

Your country’s got oil, and so our relationship to you is not unlike some big, important movie star to the little punk on the corner who has his next fix, but still. There were things that you needed to get off your chest and I get that.

If I may make a suggestion, though: the next time you get up in front of a huge room full of the most important people in the whole world, you might want to tone down the crazy just a bit. Just a skooch. I mean, even Qadaffi took off the “kooky” suit when Tom Brokaw showed up with a camera crew. Know what I mean?

Because when you said yesterday how you could still smell the sulphur at the podium where Bush had stood the day before, I thought you were saying that he had farted, like, a really big lingering fart.

Okay, I understand now that your metaphor was about how he was the devil, and that he had the funk of a burning hellish place on him, but it just didn’t translate well. Maybe if I was from your country I would find that image really witty. Hysterical, even. But instead all I can think about is why Venezuelans would believe that the devil smells like hard-boiled eggs.

And while that remark at the end of your speech - "I have a meeting with the axis of evil somewhere around here, so I have to go." IS actually pretty funny, I just want to warn you that our president and a lot of our spy-type people are not really all that bright, and they just might not get the joke, okay? They might really think you and the axis guys are having a meeting later at Carnegie’s Deli.

Now that I think about it, maybe you should have said you were meeting at Carnegie’s Deli, because then most people (although still not the president) would have known that it was, clearly, a joke.

On the plus side, kudos to you for pointing out that because of the Security Council, the U.N. is pretty much powerless to do anything unless the USA says it’s okay. I live in the USA, and I can recognize how stupid and bad that is. And I think that yes, it might be a good idea to move the U.N. to another country for a while, first of all, because those U.N. diplomats NEVER pay their parking tickets, and secondly, it would benefit the U.N. to get out from under our thumb and, frankly, find their balls again.

However, I don’t think the U.N. is going to jump on your invitation to move to Venezuela. I mean, I’m sure it’s lovely, but they do have the whole world to choose from, and my guess is that they would want to go for a country that’s a little less coup-ish. Sorry.

Speaking of coups, I know you’re still steamed about that little CIA-backed deal a couple of years ago. And believe me, we, the people of the USA, are SO embarrassed about that. The CIA so did NOT tell us that they were going to do that, okay? Because if they had, we would have told them that they are just jerks and bullies who are talking out of their ass about half the time and to quit saying that they are with us, because they aren’t.

Anyway, like I said, I know you are steamed, but please don’t refer to Pat Robertson as a terrorist, and imply that we are tolerating terrorism because we don’t arrest him. Yes, Pat Robertson did call for your assassination. But nobody listens to Pat Robertson. Well, okay, some people do, but they are what we would not-so-politely refer to as “the blind, the halt, and the lame.”

The more polite term for them would be “the Republican constituency.”

Well, I should get back to work, and of course you have a nuclear energy program to get off the ground. Say hey to the Venezuleans for us. Oh, and if you dug that Noam Chomsky book, I have a copy of “Manufacturing Consent” that I could lend you. It’s a little dinged up from me slamming it to the ground and weeping over it a few hundred times, but it’s still in pretty good shape.

Let me know.


P.S. I know you are friends with that Ahmadinejad guy. Would you ask him for me if it would hurt him to put on a tie every once in a while? It’s the U.N., for pete’s sake, not a freakin’ barbeque.

P.P.S. I meant a non-pork barbeque, of course.


dad said...

Funny, very funny. SNL could use this.

Phil said...

Cool. Do you really know President Chevas?

Megan said...

Brilliant! You totally rock!

michael said...

What Chavez is playing is oh-so-politely known in the boxing world as crazy nigger. What he forgets is that to pull it off, you have to have nothing to lose, and national leader is ever, ever in that position.

Good call on Qaddafi, and it brings up a great point. What happened to mouth-foaming Moammar after the bombing of Tripoli? Got awful quiet. You can't play it like that.

Both those guys could have taken an extra seminar with Castro. That niggah crazy!

vikkitikkitavi said...

Dad: Thanks. Let's just hope they ask for my permission first.

Phil: Who do you think gave him the idea for the silent "H" in "Hugo"? That was all me.

Megan: Yay!

Michael: I dunno. I think he figures that if he raises his profile high enough, even through craziness, there's no way we'll try to quietly take him out again.

In other words: Don't hate the playah, hate the game.