Tuesday, September 12, 2006

In honor of Patriot Day

Okay, I'm a day late. But I just watched the rerun of Real Time with Bill Maher, and he's inspired me to new levels of patriotism:

Bad presidents happen to good people. Amid all the 9/11 anniversary talk about what will keep us safe, let me suggest that, in a world turned hostile to America, the smartest message we can send to those beyond our shores is, "We're not with stupid." Therefore, I maintain that ridiculing this president is now the most patriotic thing you can possibly do. Wait. Let the word go forth to our allies and our enemies alike. Let them know that there's a whole swath of Americans desperate to distance themselves from George Bush. And that's just Republicans running for re-election.

If I could - if I could explain one thing about George Bush to the rest of the world, it's this: we don't know what the fuck he's saying either! Trust me, there's nothing lost in translation! It's just as incoherent in the original English. George Bush just turned out to be one of those things that's very popular for a few years, and then almost overnight becomes completely embarrassing. Like leg-warmers or white people going, "Oh, no, you di-n't." Or invading Iraq.

Thanks, Bill! And readers, for inspiration on fulfilling your patriotic duty, see Slate's comprehensive list of Bushisms, featuring such gems as:

Bush on Oceanography
"I think—tide turning—see, as I remember—I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of—it's easy to see a tide turn—did I say those words?"—Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006


Bush on Medieval Weaponry
"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005


Bush on Supply-Side Economics
"Secondly, the tactics of our—as you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean, that's—ever since the late '70s, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them. In other words, there's no sanctions—you can't—we're out of sanctions."—Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004


Bush on Domestic Policy
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004


Bush on Agriculture
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000


Bush on Transportation Infrastructure
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"—Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000


Bush on Terrorism
"It's going to require numerous IRA agents."—On Gore's tax plan, Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000


Bush on Rene Descarte and Modern Philosophy
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."— Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000


Bush on Foreign Relations
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."—Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000


Bush on Self-Knowledge
"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans."—Oprah, Sept. 19, 2000


Bush on Cardiology
"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."—Houston, Texas, Sept. 6, 2000


Bush on Economic Policy
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--Reuters, May 5, 2000


Bush on Getting to Scotland Before Ye
"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have—he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."—To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000


Bush on Breast Feeding
"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?"— Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000


Bush on Haute Cuisine
"We ought to make the pie higher."—South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

Jeez, I'm afraid I could go on all day. Readers, feel free to submit your own.


Pops said...

Well, I'm at least glad he saved us from the Gore IRA tax plan. I'd hate to have to explain trying to write off hundreds of hours of downloaded porn as a write off while Paddy and Seamus are strapping C4 to my desk chair.

Grant Miller said...

I saw his speech yesterday. I realized I've spoken to elected dog catchers more eloquent and off the cuff than him.

Megan said...

The annoying thing is I can actually HEAR him saying all those things and see his smirky little face as I'm reading. Do we really have two more years of this?!

Skylers Dad said...

"I am a decider" from:

Nice collection of Bushisms Vikki, but the written word doesn't properly convey the head-bobbing, smirking, monkey-faced imagery necessary to bring on full projectile vomiting.

Mazur said...

Stupid and cruel:

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

How did this guy make it through Yale?

It's official: Affirmative Action for dumb white guys is a failure.

Chris said...

I like it how lately he has said before certain speeches(and the pathetic media has followed right along)that this particular speech "will not be political". Sorry, dumb-ass. You are a politician. Every speech you make is political. I hate to burst your delusional bubble.

MonstrousJoe said...

Do more! Do more!

vikkitikkitavi said...

Pops: [insert "lockbox" joke here]

Grant: It's not nice to make fun of dyslexic people.

Megan: Never before have I wished so hard for an alcoholic to fall off the wagon. Not that it would help us, but it might take him and his little smirk down a peg or two.

SkyDad: Megan says she can actually hear him, and that's good enough for me.

Mazur: Christ, I remember that one. I would call it "Bush on the American Dream."

Randy: Yale sucks. That suprises me not at all.

Chris: BushCo is a big fan of the "declaring it so makes it true" theory of politics.

MJoe: Well, okay, but I have to wait until a couple of hours after I eat, though, or it all just comes back up.

Skylers Dad said...

OK, one more from the Presidential Speak calendar:

"I don't bring God into my life to - to, you know, kind of be a political person"

From an april 24, 2003 interview with Tom Brokaw