Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out

Ann Richards, former Governor of Texas and professional hellcat, died last night of cancer.

I saw her speak live in 2000 at the California Governor's Conference for Women, and let me tell you, she made the whole damn boring day worth it. Her hair was teased higher than any woman I have seen since Elvis died. She settled into the podium as if she had never stood anywhere else in her life. She held the room in the palm of her impeccably manicured hand.

Besides the above title quote, which she directed at George H.W. Bush in 1992, she also described #41 as "born with a silver foot in his mouth," and she opened her 1988 Keynote Address to the Democratic National Convention by saying "I am delighted to be here with you this evening because after listening to George Bush all these years, I figured you needed to know what a real Texas accent sounds like."

How could you not love such a woman?

Although the scuttlebutt is that it was Barbara Bush's intense hatred of Ann Richards that inspired her to force her reluctant son to challenge Ann for the governorship of Texas. So, if it were not for the big mouth of Ann Richards, Bush Jr. might instead be now enjoying his term as Commissioner of Baseball.

But you shouldn't lose yourselves, dear gentle readers, in the possibilities of a world unshaped by the ineptitude and greed of BushCo. Instead, enjoy some vintage Ms. Richards:

How to Be a Good Republican:

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
6. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.
7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

Goodbye, Ms. Richards. If there is a heaven above for you, I just know that all the barbeque will be Texas-style, and the hair spray will flow like wine.