Tuesday, January 17, 2006

If the Golden Globes was the "party of the year," then it is gonna be one tired, long-ass year, my friends

Jesus H. Christ, the Golden Globes were boring. And it started out so promisingly, with a perfectly heinous little theme song, Don't cha wanna come to the Globes tonight?, written especially for this year's awards and featuring the brilliant lyric "Hannibal Lector is licking his lips to taste the 'Cecil B!"

And then the host, Queen Latifah, seemed to be intimating that Martin Luther King, Jr. would have felt that her latest piece of box office crap was a testament to all that he struggled to achieve, or something. Luckily for her she bailed before it all got too cringy.

Lunesta commercials were heavily rotated throughout the evening, which was ironic, because with an award show this boring no sleep medication was needed.

Clooney, god bless his gorgeous little heart, tried to jump-start the evening with a mildly naughty reference to Jack Abramoff, but to no avail.

Once again, those that vote for actor awards believe that the highest achievement possible for an actor is the deft impersonation of another famous person. Hence awards for Joaquin Phoenix (Johnny Cash), Reese Witherspoon (June Carter Cash), Jonathon Rhys-Meyers (Elvis), and Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Truman Capote).

The highest achievement used to be impersonating retards and gimps, but that was before Hollywood rediscovered the gold mine of biopics.

Not that the above actors didn’t deserve their awards. But I’m still pissed that Kate Blanchett took the Oscar for supporting actress last year for that lame-o Kate Hepburn impression, when they could have given it to Virginia Madsen or Sophie Okonedo instead.

Oh, but the fabulous Sandra Oh won. I love her.

Nominees in the "unfortunate gown" category include:
Geena Davis: Way too old and lumpy for such a tight gown.
Pamela Anderson: (shut up, she has a tv show now!) Tried to look "classy" and instead looked "stupid."
Gwyneth Paltrow: She of the precious cap sleeves. Fuck you Gwyneth. You suck. Go back to England and name your next kid after a vegetable or something.
Penelope Cruz: Wow. What year is it?
Drew Barrymore: Oh, my god, baby, get a bra. I'm not kidding. Your tits are two inches above your waist.
Catherine Denueve: Man, this one hurts. She got chunky. And she clearly doesn't know how to pick out an "I got chunky" gown. Call me, CD, I'll give you a few pointers. Here's the first one for free - big sleeves don't hide mutton arms.
Reese Witherspoon: Her dress was well within her tried-and-true red carpet formula. And yet it was hideous. Go figure.
Emmy Rossum: We get it. You're an ingenue. Stop with the mille feuille already.

Hugh Laurie, Geena Davis and Steve Corell at least had funny acceptance speeches. You can check out some “highlights” here (registration required).

6 comments:

david said...

Jesus Christ, they should give you a microphone and get backstage commentary from you.

Of course, it would have to be on satellite radio...

vikkitikkitavi said...

And have Spielberg come after my ass? No thanks.

Yeah, Spooney sent a link to my blog to a friend of his, who emailed him back, saying "your girlfriend has a potty mouth."

Damn straight.

Alana said...

How did you not mention Mariah Carey? No one could miss her breasts trying to escape her top (as usual), placed on a shelf trying to escape.

Anonymous said...

Geena Davis? Geena Davis?!? Hottest woman in Hollywood.
Only thing better than clingy woulda been *nothin' at all. Sexy is as sexy does, I always say . . .

vikkitikkitavi said...

Mariah's dress, while WAY TOO TIGHT!!! was not as heinous as usual, so, it's true, I gave her a pass.

And I agree that Geena Davis is beautiful. But if every stomach and thigh bulge is being offered up for scrutiny, you need to re-think the cut of your dress! She would be so much prettier is something like what Felicity Huffman wore.

yo sisters cube-mate said...

Geena Davis and Felicity Huffman are two of the finest, most intelligent actresses out there! I would watch either of them read recipes for hamburger helper over Gweneth in anything...