Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Glengarry, Glen Edge


Famed playwright, author, director, and screenwriter David Mamet has signed a deal to direct a series of commercials for the Ford Motor Company. The commercials are for their new “crossover” vehicle, the Edge.

Bells On has used its industry contacts to obtain scripts for two of the new commercials, currently in production in Canada.


Commercial #1

Fade in on a dingy real estate office conference room. Addressing the tired, beaten-down salesmen is their fast-talking regional manager.


Manager

We're adding a little something to this month's sales contest.

[salesmen react]

As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anybody want to see second prize?

[Holds up prize]

Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.


Salesman #1

Is there a fourth prize?


Manager

Excuse me, you worthless piece-of-shit excuse for salesman. Did you just fucking say something to me?


Salesman #1

[hesitantly] Is there a fourth prize?


Manager

Yeah, there’s a fourth prize. You wanna know what it is? The fourth prize, you stupid fucks, is a brand new Ford Edge.


Salesman #1

You’re a fucking heartless bastard, you know that?


Manager

That’s funny, that’s exactly what your wife said to me last night when I fucked her in the ass.


The camera pans from the conference room out the window to a brand new midnight blue Ford Edge parked in the lot below. A bum is pissing on it. Fade out.



Commercial #2

Two young men, Danny and Bernie, both players, are driving around downtown Chicago in a brand new silver Ford Edge. The car gleams and catches the sun as they negotiate the urban terrain. As they stop at a red light, they see two beautiful young women standing on the corner.

Danny

Holy shit. You fucking see what I see?


Bernie

What?


Danny

On the corner?


Bernie

Yeah.


Danny

You see that?


Bernie

Yeah.


Danny

Do you see that?


Bernie

Jesus, I said I fucking see it.


Danny

You see that chick’s twat?


Bernie

What?


Danny

What the fuck did you think I was looking at, her fucking handbag or something? Her fucking handbag?


Bernie

I don’t see any twat.


Danny

It’s right there.


Bernie

Where?


Danny

Right fucking there! Between her fucking legs! Where the fuck do you think?


Bernie

Wait. Which one?


Danny

Which one. The one with the skirt so short her fucking twat is hanging out!


Bernie

Pull over. Let’s talk to them.


Danny

You think we can make them?


Bernie

Yeah, why the fuck not?


Danny

In this fucking piece-of-shit car? Forget it. They’d never go for it.


Bernie

I knew I should have borrowed my Grandma’s Subaru.


Danny tosses his cigarette out the window in disgust. Fade out.

13 comments:

Pops said...

I'm not sure what it means, but I'm totally going to buy a Subaru.

Chris said...

Beautiful. And the sad part is I betcha you'd have no problem getting Jim Belushi to participate.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Subarus rock!

kirby said...

As long as John Waters gets to direct the next Summer's Eve commercial, it's all good.

Skylers Dad said...

In the second commercial, you need Travolta asking Jackson what they call the Edge in France.

Then they drive to the cleaners to get brain matter scrubbed out of it...

vikkitikkitavi said...

Pops: So I'll put you down under "not an effective ad for Ford" then.

Chris: No, the problem with that would be all on the Ford side.

Randy: Spoken like a Subaru owner.

Kirby: If only Divine were still alive. Do you think they could construct his performance from old Waters movies. I bet they could.

SkyDad: I don't do Tarantino.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Hey- my Subaru Forester is a TOTAL lesbian magnet.

Bcaldo said...

Laugh out loud FUNNY!!
Feel Good Comedy of the Year!

Johnny Yen said...

My son Adam, at the age of 7 or 8, on the Subaru Forrester:

"Dad-- look at the Subaru Forrester over there. It can't decide whether it's an SUV or a station wagon."

I think Subaru needs to hire him for their marketing division.

Go ahead and let Mamet write the commercials. But David Cronenberg would be my choice to film them...

Grant Miller said...

Sounds pretty accurate.

deadspot said...

I wonder what David Lynch is doing right now.

20 seconds of ants crawling on a severed human ear in the grass.

camera slowly pans up to a Ford Edge.

fade to black

lulu said...

Ok, that was fucking genius, and now I have diet coke all over the computer screen.

And oddly enough, I made a Glengarry, Glen Ross comment on another blog this afternoon.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Wow, I missed some funny shit while I was sick.