Wednesday, April 11, 2007

St. Miles of Kimball

For some reason, I get the Miles Kimball catalogue.

One thing I have noticed, is that no matter how many times you move in your life, there are two groups that will always find you: your alumni association, and Miles Kimball.

I actually enjoy getting the Miles Kimball catalogue, because you know what? They make my life simpler.

For instance, just this a.m., I was wondering how I could escape the tedium of cutting a banana by hand every single morning.

It's like they've looked into my very soul.

See, before, I was using a butter knife. A knife! It was barbaric. And not only that, but think of the time wasted! That's one small fraction of a minute that I'll never get back.

And hey, who, looking back over their lives from their deathbed, ever said that they wished they'd spent more time cutting bananas?

Am I right?

You know what else is not worthy of our 21st century civilization? Not being able to pick up your jigsaw puzzle and take it with you wherever you have to be in your busy life, or clean your feed cap in the dishwasher, or find a visor that clips onto your eyewear and keeps your hairdo intact, or even to eat a nutritious meal on the go.

And I know a lot of people claim that religion, or having kids, or even TiVo has changed their lives, but whenever I hear that, I just have to laugh. Because I know that practicing my putting while taking a shit has TRULY changed my life. It just has. Look, if you knew me before I was able to practice my putting while taking a shit, you'd know that it's changed me. Made me into a better, saner, more peaceful person. And also, it's helped prepare me for whatever lies beyond this life.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go. I'm running a little low on patriotic windsocks.

11 comments:

Frank Sirmarco said...

Thank you. I needed something new to do while I was using the toilet.

Pops said...

I'll have you know my putting has improved dramatically, although the involuntary response required to make it happen is something that is difficult for me to talk about. The guys down at the country club, man, they just can't let sh... uh... stuff go.

Anon. Blogger said...

"Meal on the go"..... another great laugh, Ms. Vikki!!

I've been known to fall for a kitchen gadget or two, but bananas have never been a problem for me. No stands to store them, no slicing tools necessary!

Now a bagel guillotine - that's necessary! One of the number one ER visits is bagel slicing injury. (that could actually be an urban legend, but a nurse told me so I take no chances)

Banana slicing injuries...no so much.

Johnny Yen said...

I am the worst kitchen gadget whore you have ever seen. And I cannot for the life of me think of why anyone would need that banana slicer. In fact, I think the time needed to clean it far exceeds the time saved.

I am, however, eyeing that walker tray...

BTW, my friend's house in Seattle is down the street from Sur La Table's corporate headquarters.

Spooney said...

I want the Walker Tray & visor! I wished I'd seen those before my birthday!

dad said...

The banana thingy (I can't even say it) gives me castration anxiety.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I have one of those puzzle thingys. Gran gave it to me. Did you inherit her magazine subscription?

sv said...

Your post brings new meaning to the phrase:

That putt was for shit.

kirby said...

Miles Kimball, bastard child of Lillian Vernon and Ron Popeil.

Lisa said...

Wow.

My life was a maelstrom of tedium until I saw that website.

I owe you. Oh yes. I owe you wicked bad.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Frank: I'm sorry, but I cannot picture you doing anything without that monkey on your shoulders. In this case, that's a particularly troubling thing.

Pops: Fucking uptight WASPs. What's a little anal leakage between golfing buddies, I ask you?

AB: I've heard that, too. You're right, it's probably propaganda put out by the bagel guillotine industry. Didn't Eisenhower warn us about the Kitchen Gadget Industrial Complex?

JohnnyY: Mmmmm....Sur La Table...I wish you hadn't mentioned that name. Now I have a real hankering for a new set of retro tea towels. Spooney is always trying to get one of those fancy bottle openers, but once a waiter, always a waiter. I will use my waiter's friend until the day I die, I guess.

Spooney: Well, Memorial Day IS coming up...

Dad: That is the funniest thing you've ever written in a comment, ever.

GKL: Come on, you don't have to be 80 to appreciate a visor that doesn't flatten your hairdo. It does help, of course.

SV: Is that a phrase? I guess you hang in different circles than I do.

Kirby: Oh, I get the Lillian Vernon catalog, too. And I did use to own that Popeil compact sewing machine piece of shit.

Which reminds me, I need to buy a BeDazzler.

Lisa: Actually, I am ashamed to tell you how much stuff I have ordered from Miles Kimball and the like.