Monday, May 01, 2006

A piece in the Valley

Encino is one of the more insufferable communities in the San Fernando Valley.

Sherman Oaks is semi-swanky. Hey, they're only barely in the Valley. And it's sorta like they're the Hollywood Hills, right? Seven years ago, when the whole Shabby Chic thing hit, you couldn't stop at a light in Sherman Oaks for fear that your car would be coated with whitewash and distressed with sandpaper and sold to some associate producer's wife as a day bed for their guest room.

And Van Nuys is kind of an armpit but is trying really really hard not to be, although its hot, flat, relentless treeless concrete geography is pretty tough to gussy up. Van Nuys is the vast workhorse of the LA burbs, and everyone who has ever lived in this city pretty much ends up spending some time there, usually camped out on some former college roommate's couch, waiting for a call. Van Nuys is the kind of place where the sidewalks are clean and the streets are sunny, but inside the houses people are committing suicide with pills.

Then there's North Hollywood. North Hollywood, which is not really anywhere near Hollywood, but whose name reflects the wistful dreams of some long-dead real estate developer. Ah, North Hollywood, the place I call home. NoHo has been trying to sell itself as an "arts & theatre district" for about 15 years now, and the neighborhood board swears that someday this idea will stop getting huge laughs in the LA city council. Those of us who live in North Hollywood are well aware that we are the butt of many Valley-based jokes, but I, for one, don't mind living someplace that isn't "cool." In fact, it's kind of a relief. But for many, the shame of living in one of the few neighborhoods in LA with "affordable" real estate has moved them to gather the signatures of other nearby residents and portion themselves off from us and brand themselves as "Valley Village," or "Toluca Woods." Shame on them. They are dead to us now.

But back to Encino, where the size of the SUV is inversely proportionate to the size of the wife driving it. Encino, where each and every driver on the road is a huge, huge asshole, and every customer in the store wants a discount on their $500 jeans, and every diner in the restaurant is pretty sure they're important. I never enter Encino without a really good reason, and I never leave Encino without swearing that I will never go back. People live in Encino because they can't afford Beverly Hills, and boy oh boy do they make you suffer for it.

So according to this article in today's LA Times, some residents of Encino are really upset that...and this is pretty shocking...that pornography is being filmed in their neighborhood! And on Easter, of all days!

Look Encino, baby, I know it's rough your first time. Believe me, I been there. The grip trucks, the cables, the tattooed Teamster wannabes; it's all very tough to take. And it's hard, I know, not to think about what's going on behind all those closed doors, especially as your nannies push your children's strollers past scantily-clad "actresses" disembarking from their Corvettes, but speaking as a resident of North Hollywood, let me give you this little piece of advice:

Lay back Encino, and enjoy the ride.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Haha!

Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about!
Get this piece off to a print outlet . . . LA Mag fer instance. Might even make a 100 bucks. (Grin)

-- Snarky Fan

P.S. Easter is popular for porn movies, due to the whole "rise again" thing. . .

Grant Miller said...

I wish porn was filmed in my neighbor. Although, considering my neighbors, maybe not.

vikkitikkitavi said...

The porn that my neighbors used to film was extremely low-rent porn. The actresses were skeeeeeeezzeeeeee. (shudder)