Friday, December 02, 2005

And now, as a service to my female readers...

Gals, I am what you call experienced.

No, really.

Not only am I a two-time loser in the marriage department, but I’ve had more boyfriends in more towns than you can shake a dildo at.

I am the Kevin Bacon of dating. If you don’t know someone who’s dated me, you know someone who knows someone. But don’t just believe me. Ask. You’ll see.

So gals, why shouldn’t I give you the benefit of my 40+ years of experience with men?

I’ve compiled a short guide to the six basic types of boyfriends, as categorized by their area of guy-interest. Have you ever noticed that pretty much all guys are interested in either 1) sports, 2) cars, or 3) home repair? It’s true! Some guys are interested in more than one area, sure, but within that area, they are always either a “doer” or a “watcher.”

Which kind of boyfriend would be most compatible with you? I can’t give you all the answers, as much as that would feed this sick compulsion I harbor, but maybe the following guide will point you in the right direction. I sure hope so.

1A - Sports Doers

At first, it’s really cool that he can hit home runs and tackle people and dunk and stuff. You will beam with pride as you watch your mighty sports hero. But then, it gets really tiresome washing out ace bandages and restocking the freezer with ice packs all day long. Plus, you’re starting to think that his interest in playing sports might be merely masking a serious alcohol problem.

Also – don’t expect that “grit your teeth and take it” attitude to extend beyond the playing field. Once you are home, he will become helpless - incapable of even pulling that blood-stained jersey off over his head without breaking down and sobbing like a baby.

Good news! His type are prone to travel in packs, so if it doesn’t work out between you, he’s got about 30 friends just like him you can date.

1B - Sport Watchers

Yes, this is the most common kind of boyfriend. If you’re engaged to one of these guys, be prepared to plan your wedding day around whatever sport playoff thing is happening that time of year. And yes, even though he thinks hockey is stupid, he would still rather watch the Stanley Cup playoffs than attend his own wedding reception.

If you never watch television yourself, and if you, in fact, don’t care for the company of people all that much, then the Sports Watcher is the boyfriend for you. But, if for some reason you wish to watch a program of your own choosing on the television, you will soon realize that that is an argument you cannot win, because can’t you see how you wanting to watch that movie on cable (the one that you missed in the theatre because he wanted to stay home and watch that NASCAR thing) is just not as important as the Bengals-Lions game in which one of his fantasy players might come off the bench in the second half? TV control-wise, your only recourse is to take up watching a sport that is completely abhorrent to him, and then demand that he spend equal time enjoying that sport with you. Choose a sport from this list:
1. women’s gymnastics
2. figure skating (men’s or women’s)

2A - Home Repair Doers

This guy not only knows how to fix the shower head and replace a broken window pane, he actually does it! Yeah, like, without begging! Not only that, but when you come home from work each day, he will say something like “Sweetheart, I planed a quarter inch off the top of your closet door, so it shuts properly now.”

Sure, his interest in decorative cabinet hardware does come off as a tad gay, but it’s a small price to pay for getting your toilet fixed for free at 3am, am I right?

Do not let this guy go easily, or if you are planning to break up, make sure you stay friends, so you can call him to install that new ceiling fan while your current boyfriend, Sports Watcher, catches up on Canadian Rules Football.

2B - Home Repair Watchers

In spite of a garage full of power tools, this guy seems to fix almost everything with duct tape and spackle. Nothing he fixes stays fixed, and he usually breaks something else in the process, either by hitting it accidentally with the hammer, or by hitting it on purpose after throwing the hammer after hitting his thumb with the hammer accidentally. This guy will never let you buy any home furnishings, always claiming he could make it much better himself. But first he has to watch twelve more episodes of Yankee Workshop.

This guy’s propensity for screaming in pain, cursing, and throwing hammers will begin to become tiresome, and after several months, you will find yourself goading him into complicated electrical wiring projects on high-voltage fixtures.

3A - Car Mechanic Doers

This guy will change your oil for you, your wiper blades, and your spark plugs. He will rotate your tires obsessively. He will rush out to the driveway to adjust your idle because he didn’t like the way it sounded when you pulled in. He will save you thousands of dollars in repairs, but you must be prepared to listen to him explain how every single thing you do behind the wheel of your car is wrongity-wrong-wrong. Oh, and how he can’t believe you bought that make and model of car in the first place, don’t you read Motor Trend?

Also, his fingernails are never, ever, clean. I know, it sounds trivial, but after awhile something like that can take its toll on a gal’s piece of mind.

3B - Car Mechanic Watchers

He knows every year of every model of American car on sight, and will constantly call them out for your edification, but he can’t figure out how to change his dome light. He used to impress you with his ability to open up the hood and tinker, but lately you’ve noticed that his diagnoses always seem to consist of vague rumblings about “the starter.”

On the plus side, this guy usually serves as an excellent buffer between you and those leering garage mechanics. On the down side, he will probably expect you to go to the car show with him.


Anonymous said...

So, which one is Spooney?

Anonymous said...

oh, thank god i married a home repair doer. i laughed out loud at the 'planing the top of your closet door' thing because...vikki, are you hiding in our house? i mean, that's EERIE.

love you-


vikkitikkitavi said...

Your man is classic HRD, lucky girl.

grooveva said...

Oh yes I dated a sports watcher... only once and gawd do I hate football!

And take note if you don't don't know someone who dated Viki I guarantee that you know someone I have or will. I'm still trudging through the muck like a good soldier out here in short-timer land.

Now if I could just find one of these HRD's, that's the stuff of dreams seriously...