Monday, December 12, 2005

Blue Balls for the Red States?

That's the title of a Harper's piece in which they excerpt some dumbfoundingly regressive bits from FEDERALLY FUNDED high school abstinence programs.

Bits such as:
While a man needs little or no preparation for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation.

5 Major Needs of Women:Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment

5 Major Needs of Men:Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support

HOURS of emotional and mental preparation? What the fuck is he doing to her, anyway?

I mean, sure, the first 15 or 20 times you take it up the ass it can be a little off-putting. But really, hours, ladies?

And then, the 5 Major Needs? WTF? By my government's definition, I am a man.

But wait, there's more, including this charming, government-funded fairy tale:

Deep inside every man is a knight in shining armor, ready to rescue a maiden
and slay a dragon. When a man feels trusted, he is free to be the strong, protecting man he longs to be. Imagine a knight traveling through the countryside. He hears a princess in distress and rushes gallantly to slay the dragon. The princess calls out, “I think this noose will work better!” and throws him a rope. As she tells him how to use the noose, the knight obliges her and kills the dragon. Everyone is happy, except the knight, who doesn’t feel like a hero. He is depressed and feels unsure of himself. He would have preferred to use his own sword.

The knight goes on another trip. The princess reminds him to take the noose. The knight hears another maiden in distress. He remembers how he used to feel before he met the princess; with a surge of confidence, he slays the dragon with his sword. All the townspeople rejoice, and the knight is a hero. He never returned to the princess. Instead, he lived happily ever after in the village, and eventually married the maiden—but only after making sure she knew nothing about nooses.

Moral of the story: Occasional assistance may be all right, but too much will lessen a man’s confidence or even turn him away from his princess.

The other moral of the story: Shut up, bitch.

And some advice for the love-lorn:

Sexual relationships often lower the self-respect of both partners—one feeling used, the other feeling like the user. Emotional pain can cause a downward spiral, leading to intense feelings of worthlessness.

Not if you do it right, asshole.

At conception, the baby comes into being. About the sixth to tenth day after conception, when the baby is no bigger than this dot (.), the baby snuggles into the soft nest in the lining of the mother’s uterus.

The newly developing person from conception until about eight weeks is called an embryo. Fetus is the technical term the unborn child is called from about eight weeks until birth. Most people just say “baby” or “unborn child.”

When referring to the mother, most people just say "skank" or "vessel for the man's seed."

Damn, who wrote this crap, anyway? Antonin Scalia?


david said...

Truly unbelievable. Beseiged by spam e-mail for Viagra and Cialis, now I've got Dick Cheney as my intimacy coach?

To hell with anti-impotency pills. I'm gonna need an IV drip.

Anonymous said...

My wife makes way more money than I do. She's a great Mother to our cats and I'm the primary domestic suppport.
By the government's definition, I'm a woman.


Anonymous said...

ya know, now that you mention it, I really DO need hours to prepare for sex. Hmmmmm.


your sisters cub-mate said...

"While a man needs little or no preparation for sex,..."

True enough, sometimes all it takes is a gentle breeze...

While I'm thinking about it, that "Recreational Companionship" item sounds more than a little interesting. Visions of fucking on a trapeze come to mind!

V said...

Oh. My. God.
I'm reeling from the fairy tale. Yes indeed, it must be true that my man will never feel like a man again because I *helped* him at some point. I'm sure he resents me horribly for helping him shovel out a space for his car after 11 hours of work or offering any suggestion in any stinking aspect of his life. Nice of the government to be keeping this bullshit alive......