Your Internal Revenue Service: making it less hard out here since 1953

In anticipation of the legalization and taxation of sex worker income, the IRS has released some preliminary federal tax compliance guidelines:


PIMPS

Vehicles: The purchase price of your business vehicle is not deductible as an operating expense unless a smaller, more modest vehicle such as a Corolla or a Dodge Neon is also maintained separately for personal use. Maintenance expenses (oil change, tune-ups, tire rotations) are deductible, as are rims (up to $750 per wheel), whitewalls, custom Louis Vuitton upholstery, and daily detailing.

Clothing: Clothes are generally not deductible unless they directly relate to the performance of your job. Allowed deductions include capes, fur-trimmed hats, and canes topped with ornaments designed to intimidate other industry professionals of a similar stature. Shoes are also deductible if they are constructed and purchased for the express purpose of placing up the posterior of recalcitrant hos.

Entertainment: Meals (including alcohol) and entertainment expenses for clients are allowable with proper receipts. Alcohol expenses outside of the “malt liquor” and “Cristal” categories must be accompanied by documentation justifying their consumption.

HOS

Gifts: All cash income received must be declared, even if your pimp tells that it is a gift and not to tell the other girls, who are all just jealous bitches and you are his favorite. Non-cash gifts received, including rabbit fur jackets, semi-precious jewelry, and silk nail-wrap gift certificates must all be declared if their estimated value exceeds $50. Gifts or cash given to individuals outside of the industry, such as baby-daddies who are NOT also your pimp, are not deductible under any circumstances.

Clothes: Skirts, dresses and shorts are deductible if the inseam does not exceed 2 inches. Shoes or boots with clear plastic heels or platforms exceeding 5 inches are also deductible. Due to the sartorial longevity of tube tops, their purchase price is not deductible, however, their value may be depreciated over 20 years or the life of the garment, whichever is shorter.

Grooming: All salon services are deductible, including: manicures, pedicures, acrylic nails, waxing, weaves, and hair dyeing, provided the hair color is not a naturally occurring one.


For more information, consult a tax professional.