Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Hoosier Target?

According to the Department of Homeland Security, the state with the highest number of potential terrorist targets is...wait for it...even though I gave it away in the title...wait some more...Yes! my own personal homeland, Indiana.

Yes, Indiana, with 8,591 potential targets on the DHS list, including the Amish Country Popcorn factory, has 50% more than New York (5,687 targets) and more than twice as many as California (3,212).

Which explains why DHS funds are distributed in such a screwy manner, because they use this wack list as the basis for that distribution.

In addition to the petting zoo, in Woodville, Ala., and the Mule Day Parade in Columbia, Tenn., the auditors questioned many entries, including “Nix’s Check Cashing,” “Mall at Sears,” “Ice Cream Parlor,” “Tackle Shop,” “Donut Shop,” “Anti-Cruelty Society” and “Bean Fest.” Even people connected to some of those businesses or events are baffled at their inclusion as possible terrorist targets.

Okay, there's an obvious joke there about the Bean Fest, but I feel like my readers have come to expect more from me than exploding fart jokes. Typical liberal blogger delusion, I know.

“Seems like someone has gone overboard,” said Larry Buss, who helps organize the Apple and Pork Festival in Clinton, Ill. “Their time could be spent better doing other things, like providing security for the country.”

Angela McNabb, manager of the Sweetwater Flea Market, which is 50 miles from Knoxville, Tenn., said: “I don’t know where they get their information. We are talking about a flea market here.”

Actually I think the DHS is totally on track with the Apple and Pork festival. Think about it. Pork. Muslims. It could be a significant symbolic win for Islamic extremists to take out the festival, especially since it occurs in a town with the same name as a president who is also strongly associated with a double entendre involving the word "pork."

And no, I don't think I'm reaching. Neither does the DHS:
“We don’t find it embarrassing,” said the department’s deputy press secretary, Jarrod Agen. “The list is a valuable tool.”

I wish I could say the same for you, buddy.


Pops said...

How many bombs would you have to set off in Indiana before you had a statistical certainty of actually injuring a person?

I know we would need to know the types of explosives, the overall potential power of the blast, etc. but we can ballpark it, can't we?

Oh, that's something else there are none of in Indiana: ballparks.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Yeah, baseball is not so popular in Indiana.

Baseball bats are extremely popular, though. As are numchucks, and those throwing star things you can make out of a tin can lid.

I'm not so sure the whole bombing Indiana thing is really about the statistical probability of success (i.e. body count) as it is about the probability that very few Hoosiers would be missed by anyone outside of the blast area.

It may be harsh, but it's true, mostly because a) Hoosiers are an insular people, and b) they are also dumb-ass rednecks.

Grant Miller said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Grant Miller said...

The terrorists must think you are still in Indiana.

Madison Guy said...

The same clowns who brought you the DHS list also brought you this list displayed here in the form of a map . Indiana is on this one, too, unfortunately.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I'm pretty sure it's already happened. That's why it's so flat there.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Grant: Even if I were, I would most definitely NOT be at the Amish popcorn factory.

MG: Fuckers.

GKristiL: That also explains the brain damage.

Spooney said...

We gonna get sum Ammish popcorn & party like it's 1699!

dad said...

Other than the Indy 500 with attendence of 250,000 and the rail system near Chicago, I can't think of anything in Indiana that terrorists would be attracted to.

Trains, subways, under river tunnels and a few bridges are where are attention should be now.

dad said...

"our" attention that is

vikkitikkitavi said...

Spooney: Little black horse-drawn buggy,
baby, you're much too slow.
Little black horse-drawn buggy,
I need a love that doesn't believe zippers are the work of the devil...

Dad: I'm all for wiping out the crowd at the Indy 500. I think the state could take a massive step forward right there.

Spooney said...

"My friends tell me I look good in black"

vikkitikkitavi said...

God, you're such a dork.