Listening in on the Alito hearings...

Orin Hatch: Judge Alito, some Democratic members of this committee have stated that you are against women and minorities attending college. I find these allegations outrageous. So, can you state, for the record, are you against women and minorities attending college?

Alito: No, Senator. I am not. The values that I was raised with, and instilled in me by my mother and father, support women and minorities attending college.

Hatch: Some far-left liberal groups have suggested that you would advocate the killing of kittens and puppies. Is that true? Would you advocate killing kittens and puppies?

Alito: I certainly would not. I believe my values, instilled in me by my working-class family, are supportive of kittens and puppies, and their right to live long, and, ah, cute lives.

Hatch: Judge, the unhinged homosexual communist media have made allegations suggesting that you oppose rainbows, and flowers, and girls in pretty dresses. Can you please state for the record your position on rainbows, flowers, and attractively attired young women?

Alito: Certainly, Senator. I do not oppose any of those things. My working class upbringing, and the values of my hard working parents, definitely embraced rainbows and flowers. And as for girls in pretty dresses, I believe there is no right more essential to the liberty of the American people.